VERSION 2.0

I would be lying if I said the cacophony downstairs isn’t getting to me. It feels like they are smugly rubbing it in. “Look, we are down here enjoying our evening while you are locked up there wishing you were down here with us.” I imagine that’s what Ricky would be thinking to himself. Aluminium foils crinkling, a hotpot lid opening and shutting, Tony asking Maria to pass the rice bowl. Such a flurry of activity can only mean it’s the best night of the year. What used to be my favourite night. It’s Christmas night. In about thirty minutes once they are done with the meal, they will gather in the living room, wearing holiday themed pyjamas, all seven of them, and binge on Christmas movies till they pass out on the couch. Ah, the good old days when I was the don around here.

Tonight is also the one year anniversary of me getting shown the door, rather brusquely too I should say. Can you imagine that? Of all the 365 days they could have picked, it had to be on Christmas. Anyway, I shouldn’t complain about getting replaced since I once did it to somebody else. That guy who could only show pictures in black and white, the one with the hideous control knobs on the side and an even more hideous black and red livery — yeah, I took his job. You see, I was much better than him.

But now, I too have been booted for a new guy who’s better than me in every imaginable sense. I nearly broke my back trying to catch a glimpse of him as he was getting unloaded from the car. They call him the smart tv. I call him the show off tv. He can interface with Ricky’s PlayStation which I wasn’t able to...not without getting blown up I think. That right there is what sealed my fate. Additionally, he has internet capabilities. One time I heard Ricky talking on the phone with some girl. He was telling her to come over so they could ‘Netflix and Chill’. I’m too old to know what that means but I know for certain that I could never compete with that.

At my peek, the younglings used to fight for my attention, literally. I remember Ricky once smacking Maria hard on the stomach with a heavy rubber ball. Ricky is the youngest of the five kids and has always had quite the buffalo’s temperament. Maria then had a brilliant on-the-spot idea to prank the nine year old. She pulled a opossum on him. The boy lost his mind thinking he had killed his sister over a tv remote. He had slumped onto the cold floor beside her ‘lifeless body’, howling louder than a hornbill, mucus running down his nose and a yellow liquid tracing its way across the floor to my position.

Oh, man. It’s been eleven years but my side still hurts when I think back to that night. I’m grateful to Maria because…well, Ricky has always been wantonly aggressive and indifferent with me. I should have been his favourite thing in the whole world, right? I played his stupid cartoons and kept him entertained when all his friends left for boarding school. I cheered him up when dad raised his voice on him. When the Maths teacher pulled his ear for failing to master the table of nine, who was it that eased away the throbbing pain? Did I get a single thank you? Never. He would stain my glossy screen with his clammy-germy hands that he never cleans when he goes to the toilet. Another time, he spilled juice on me which found its way to my circuit board. And let’s not even talk about the time he knocked me over the stand and broke my regal hunched back as he was attempting to replicate John Cena’s moves.

So yeah, I’m glad Maria damn near scared him straight that Friday night. Even now despite the fact that I’ve been cast aside and left to rot in this dingy room, he still won’t let me be. In his high school sophomore year, he developed a curiosity for STEM. He would lock himself in here with me for hours, take me apart piece by piece then attempt to re-engineer me. Lucky I didn’t end up a Frankenstein. Don’t get me wrong, it gets awfully lonely in here so any kind of company is better than no company. Still, anyone but him!

Last night I got excited when Henry came into the storage room for the first time since he dumped me in here. Excitement, that’s something I haven’t felt in a while. I got hopeful that finally, finally I was getting freed from this hell hole. Finally Henry had realized his mistake and was taking me back to the airy and effulgent living room where I would reclaim my throne from that usurper.

Speaking of Henry, it took me a while to get over his treachery. I have been with him since his college days in that tiny cubicle. How could he toss me out like a used diaper? I am the reason Angie and him got together. I played the movie for them…the same movie that had them kissing and digging into each other’s clothes till they made love for the first time. I bet Benji, their oldest, was conceived with my patronage. I had to soldier through those raunchy ten minutes. It wasn’t all that pleasant for me, I can tell you that. And don’t for one second think I’ve forgotten about you either, Angie. How many Mexican and Indian soap operas did I play for you, huh? All those rib-shattering laughs you had till soda came shooting out your nose courtesy of yours truly, did it not count for something? She pushed me to the edge with those snoozefest shows of hers but being the professional that I am, I put up with it.

When the door banged shut and the lock clicked, just like that, my hopes were quashed. Over a decade of faithful servitude, the very least he could do is give me one more chance to prove my usefulness. He owes me that much. Then again, maybe I should spend less time hoping he notices me and more time coming to terms with my reality. No one wants to associate with me anymore. I ought to be glad they haven’t tossed me into the incinerator. Or perhaps that’s the best they can do for me…euthanise me. There’s no point keeping me locked in here like a captive. Just get it done with already, put me out of my misery. Allow me to transcend into whichever realm obsolete pieces of technology go to.

On such a night when everyone is surrounded by joy, I find myself feeling remarkably undesired. Discarded and abandoned. The present guy should be wary of those humans. Their world moves unapologetically fast. One moment you’re the epicentre of a family, feeling like a celebrity and the next you’re condemned to waste away in a cold dungeon in perpetuity. Not even the decency to accord me a fair hearing before a jury of my peers. They lose no sleep over it either. If anything, I'd say they are elated when it's time to kick us out for something they regard as an 'upgrade'.

Last week, Benji, who works in tech, was telling Ricky about something called a Metaverse. My rusty old wires couldn’t comprehend much of the conversation but from the little I gathered, it could mean the end of television. Oh, your days are numbered my friend. In due course you’ll join me as just another outdated and undesirable piece of junk.