Zoya

Tuesday, 13th March 1996

Bacon is my most favorite food. I just love bacon. Mom made me a nice breakfast of bacon and eggs today. Then I spent some time playing in the yard. Some new flowers had just bloomed in the flower bed, round, bright purple and with so many petals. They were so pretty, but they smelled weird, like rotting apples. Then Mom came out and told me I should come in for a nap, she needed to do something in the yard. I went in but I wasn’t feeling sleepy at all, so I sat there and watched Mom through the screen door.

I love Mom, she is the best mom in the world. And she always smells so good, like chicken or bacon. I watched her as she went into the tool shed and came back with her shovel. She started digging behind the flower beds. She dug and dug and dug, for a very long time. I almost fell asleep a couple of times watching her.

Then she went back to the tool shed, and after a while, heaving and panting, came out dragging something. It was a garbage bag, the big ones we buy for the outdoor garbage can, and it looked heavy. I could smell what was inside, I could smell the blood and beer. It was the man from yesterday who was in it.

My tummy started to hurt a little. Should I go out there and help her? But mom had told me to stay inside. So I watched as she struggled and dragged the bag to the hole, and rolled it over until it fell inside with a thud. Then she started piling dirt on him. After a very long time of doing this, she sat down and patted the mud there for a while with one hand, wiping her eyes over and over with the other hand.

Then Mom came back in. I could see she was very tired. Her face and clothes were covered in mud and her eyes were red. She went to shower, and then went to bed, with a heating pad on her back. She slept for a very long time. I sat at the door of her bedroom for a while, watching her. Then I went out to the yard again. I went to look at the spot she had dug. I could smell the man below. The smell of beer was still strong, and the rest of the smells weren’t good at all.

My tummy was rumbling and it was dark now, so I was glad when Mom woke up. We had our dinner. Mom gave me some meatballs while she ate noodles.

“What a good girl you are, Zoya,” Mom smiled at me. I was happy.

Wednesday, 14th March 1996

Aunty Razia came over today. She wanted to check on Mom since she hadn’t seen her at the mosque since last month. I like Aunty Razia, she always brings me treats. Today she brought me some very delicious cheese sticks. They sat on the porch and had tea and cookies, and I sat with them chewing my cheese sticks. Aunty noticed the purple flowers in the lawn, and walked over.

“That’s so funny, these same flowers grow over my Ammi’s grave! That’s the first time I have seen these anywhere else,” she said, putting a hand over her mouth. Mom laughed, but she almost dropped her teacup, it clattered on the saucer. She seemed a bit nervous.

“Oh, that's funny! I just bought them from the gardening store down the corner, “ she replied, fiddling with her hijab. “I don’t remember what they were called though.”

That evening after Aunty had left, Mom seemed very nervous. She told me to get ready and we went to the garden store. We browsed through the pretty plants there. I really liked the hydrangeas and roses. Mom and I decided to get the roses. When we got back I had a quick snack and a drink of water. Then we went to the garden and I helped mom uproot the beautiful purple flowers. It was hard because their roots were really long and they were hard to pull away from the soil. There were some strange pieces on the roots, pale pink, they looked like old chewing gum. I tried looking at them more closely.

“Mom, is this meat on the roots?” I held one of the pieces close to her face so she could see. Mom gagged.

“Give it to me, Zoya.” She grabbed the uprooted plants from my hand and stuffed them into a trash bag she had brought from the house.

Once all the purple plants were in the bag, we planted the roses in their place. I could smell all the bodies below. They were all rotting now. Mom was sweating by the end, her shirt soaked and dark. I don’t know if she was able to smell the bodies but it looked like she was about to gag again. My fingers started hurting a bit by the end with all the digging and planting. I know my Mom is stronger than other moms, because she worked on a farm for many years. I am not as strong as her yet, but she tells me I will be.

Thursday, 15th March 1996

This morning we did some math and reading. I miss school, but mom says it's safer for both of us this way. Then we went to the park, and I saw my friend Alice from kindergarten, back when I used to go there. Alice was with her babysitter, and I wanted to play with them. I started telling Alice of the gardening we were doing yesterday. Mom started suddenly laughing loudly, but it didn’t sound like a fun laugh.

“We really need to get back home,” Mom said to them and led me away. She was clutching my arm so tightly.

“Mom, I wanted to play with Alice!” .

“Stop whining Zoya, I will explain later,” Mom replied, clutching my arm even tighter and leading me away.

Friday, 16th March 1996

Mom has been feeding me this sticky sweet red syrup from a bottle since morning. My tummy starts hurting in the afternoon. After sunset I feel very sick. I am sweating and shivering, I go to bed early. Mom is by my side, touching a cold compress on my head, the bottle of syrup next to her on the bed. She raises my head a little and feeds me more syrup. She is sweating too, looking like she is sick herself. Then I pass out. Darkness.

When I wake up, Mom has taken my pajamas off. I try to talk but only warbled sounds come out, my jaw feels stuck.

“There there, Zoya,” Mom whispers, her face soft. “Everything is okay, doll.”

My body feels numb, I see that I have been tied to the bed. I am so, so tired.

“What a good girl you are, Zoya,” Mom says, smiling. She boops my nose. I can see the moon through the window, perfectly round and glowing. She unties me slowly, massaging my legs.

I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep, but I’m so, so hungry. Luckily mom has a steak ready for me. I finish it off in five seconds.

Monday, 19th March 1996

I’m getting very antsy, and can’t stop pacing around the house. So Mom puts on my flowered collar and takes me for a walk.

We see some kids on the street, I want to play with them. So I try to get close and say hi, but a growl comes out. The kids look scared of me.

“Don’t worry, she’s friendly,” mom says hurriedly and we keep walking.

A man passes us, he is getting too close to Mom and I don’t like it. I growl and lunge at him.

“You better train that dog, or it will be taken away from you,” he says to Mom, looking at me with hate. I look at Mom, her face has turned hard and cold. She reaches inside her handbag, and I am so scared because that’s where she keeps her meat cleaver. But then it looks like she changes her mind and we keep walking. I let out a sigh of relief.

Wednesday, 21st March 1996

The purple flowers are back again. They have sprouted in the flower beds, bigger and brighter than before. The roses we planted seem to be dying. When mom saw them this morning, she cursed loudly, then she got her gardening shears and cut off all the flowers in a frenzy. I felt very worried looking at her. When she was done, she came and sat on the porch, her face in her hands. I went and cuddled with her, we sat like that for a long time.

“Well,” she finally said, wiping her face with her hands and smiling. “What do you say we go for a nice walk in the woods? We could both use a break.”

Me and Mom drive to a hiking trail about an hour away. It is very green and pretty. There is a nice breeze so it's not too hot. Being in the woods always makes me think of what happened one year ago. Before that I used to go to school and had many friends. Then I went on this camping trip in Maine.

Saturday, 10th June 1995

It was just me and mom, alone in the woods camping. I felt very scared when we reached the campsite, I don’t know why. But mom told me that girls can do anything, even camp alone in the woods, and there was no need to be scared. That made me feel better.

We did a lot of hiking all day, and I even got to pick some really cool flowers. We saw some deer and rabbits too. Back at the camping site, I pressed the flowers into my scrapbook. We watched the sunset over the lake, and I wished I could paint a picture, it was so pretty. Then mom built a little fire in the charcoal pit near our tent and we cooked some hotdogs. I ate them with buns and mustard, they were so delicious. Sometime during the night, I woke up in our tent. There was a strange sound coming from the woods. It sounded like a puppy who needed my help. I got out of my sleeping bag and decided to look for it. I walked through the trees and crossed a tiny stream. That's when the thing lunged at me, biting my arm. I screamed in pain, but the thing wouldn’t let go. Then mom came running, she was screaming too. She had her meat cleaver with her, and she brought it down hard on its head. It dropped down and wriggled for a bit, but then went still. It looked like some kind of a wolf, with spiky black fur and many long sharp teeth. Its head had a huge split where mom had hit him, with blood and brains gushing out. Its mouth was red and wet with my blood. I looked at my arm and could see the bone through the skin. I passed out.

When I woke up we were back at the campsite and it was almost sunrise, the sky starting to light up. Mom was bent over me, touching a wet cloth to my head. I was feeling so weak that I could barely get up, so Mom wrapped up the tent and our things and carried them in a bag on her chest, and she piggybacked me on her back, out of the woods to the parking lot. I was so glad I have a strong mother.

My arm was still hurting so I passed out again, then woke up in a hospital, mom next to me. They had cleaned and stitched my wound but I didn’t feel much because they gave me medicine to make me sleep. I also had to get some shots but the nurse gave me candy after, and Mom told me what a brave girl I was, and everything was going to be okay. She took me back home.

Sunday, 11th June 1995

The next day I rested a lot, and Mom brought me food in bed. But by Monday, I was feeling very sick, and I didn’t want to get up. By Tuesday morning Mom was planning to take me to the doctor again, but then I got better. I was so hungry, and ate three eggs and five sausages for breakfast. Mom laughed at my appetite. After that I jumped up and down all around the house and Mom laughed at that too.

After a few days I started feeling different, like I was a new Zoya. I couldn’t stop sniffing at things. The kids in my class laughed at me, but Mom told me not to worry about it, I was still her perfect little muffin.

Monday, 19th June 1995

Then a few days later I got very sick again, sweating and shivering badly. Mom thought it was a fever, and slept with me that night. A scream woke me up in the middle of the night.

It was Mom, she was looking so scared, staring at me. Behind her I could see the full moon glowing brightly out of the window. My body felt weird. I looked at my arms, they were covered with gray fur. My mouth felt different, I raised my hand to feel my teeth. But my hand had turned into a paw! It had claws and all. I went to look into the mirror, but I needed all my arms and legs to walk there. And I saw that I had turned into a dog! Or was I a wolf? I looked like the creature who had bit me, with silver fur and long teeth.

“Zoya…,” Mom whispered, her face still so scared, “you turned into a wolf!”

Mom told me I couldn’t go to school like this, so I stayed at home. The smell of her vegetable biryani made me sick, and then the lentil soup she tried to feed me made me throw up. So she went to the grocery store to get me some steaks. She looked so worried that day, going through her old books on herbs and tinctures, wringing her hands. I curled up on the bed and mostly slept, watching her.

Sunday, 25th June 1995

On Sunday I had my normal body back again! Mom was so relieved to see this, she burst out crying.

“So it's just one week a month, we can deal with that,” she said, hugging me so tight I almost suffocated.

But I guess I was weird now. Kids at school started making fun of me, for sniffing everything and everyone. I couldn’t resist the impulse to lick my teacher’s arm whenever she helped me with the class activities. My brain got foggy when the full moon was approaching and I couldn’t concentrate in class. Plus I had to miss five days of school every month. So Mom decided to homeschool me. I think every month when I was converted, I scared her. One month I woke up as a wolf to see long red gashes on her face and arms. She had to get stitches for one of them on her arm. So she made this calming tincture for me from herbs, which she started giving me the day before the conversion. She also started tying me up until I completed the change into a wolf.

It gets scary for me sometimes too, but I am getting used to this more and more with every month. Sometimes even when I am a wolf I forget and behave like a girl, and when I am a girl I behave like a wolf.

“Mom, I am scared,” I told her after my third change, when I changed back into a girl and could talk again. This time as a wolf I had walked out of the house without Mom. Some children were playing in the street. I just wanted to play with them. But when they saw me walk towards them, they started throwing rocks at me. Mom rushed out of the house and yelled at them. She picked me up and took me back inside.

“Don’t worry Zoya, I will never let anyone hurt you,” Mom replied. “I’ll kill them first.”

Mom told me I’m so cool, to be both a wolf and a girl. She tells me I’m a very good girl. But I know she’s worried, each month I grow in size. Nowadays she can’t even pick me up in her arms. But she tells me not to worry, she will come up with a plan.

Wednesday, 21st March 1996

Back in the woods, me and Mom walk down the trail. It is windy today, the trees swaying and bending, the wind whistling around us.

“Do you want to run, Zoya?” Mom asks me and unclips my leash. I see a squirrel and chase after it, the dead leaves and snow crunching below my paws. I lose sight of the squirrel, and run back towards mom.

I hear footsteps behind us, and a man comes out of the trees. He is strange and scary looking, with a stinking smell and eyes that look dead. He is getting too close to mom, I don’t like it. I spring and lunge at him, before he can get any closer.

He is too surprised to react and I rip his throat out. It tastes delicious. But as I’m chewing on the tendons I hear mom sobbing and I stop. Looking at her sad face, I too start howling.

“It’s okay, Zoya,” Mom says, bending next to me and stroking my head. “But you can’t keep doing this. I’m enrolling you in those obedience classes tomorrow!”