Jolene

To the one that I loved.

I’m sorry that I could keep a secret.

No, no, no, no. Please god no. “Jolene!” I screamed. Just breathe. Just. Breathe. In. Out. The wind flowed past my face. The night sky hung low. The moon watched me every moment. My shadow was long. My legs were like jelly but I had to run. Run. RUN. The stars disappeared one by one as the fire got closer and closer. “Jolene,” the heat was no longer from my own body. “Jolene…” why did you drive? You shouldn’t have. “Please, please, please…” All I could hear was the roars from the fire, I couldn’t hear any screams. My heart was screaming but I didn’t feel it. The ground came out of nowhere. The darkness forced itself onto me. “Jolene.”

…

“Grace…” a whisper at first. “Grace,” who was that? “Grace!” My eyes snapped open to see two hands reaching down at me.

“I’m awake, I’m awake,” I said wincing, my hands already raised ready for the punch. I waited. Until I felt the hands wrap themselves around my waist. They were slow, gentle, not too fast, just right like a mother cradling their baby for the first time. I felt the weight of someone's head on my chest. I allowed myself to peer and see what was happening in my world. Then I noticed who it was. The whimsical bird nest of Jolene’s grey hair. My face got hot, my heartbeat quickened, “h-h-hey Jo-Jo-Jolene.” I swear if my heart was stronger I could’ve bounced her head off my chest.

“Grace,” she said, turning her head up to face me. Her auburn eyes like the beautiful shade of autumn brown. “I know you can but I always have to ask you anyways.” Her beautiful lips, red like a rose, if only the thorns on the vines didn't stop me. “Can you keep a secret?”

“Yes,” I said, making the motion with my finger sealing my lips shut. Oh her beautiful freckles, loved by the sun. Her skin lightly tanned. I let my hand that had been resting on the grass rest on her bicep. I could feel all the bumps and imperfections that made her perfect.

“Well,” she said looking away, her cheeks blushing. “There is this guy and he invited me to this party,” my heart dropped. My grip tightened on her bicep. “Don’t worry, he isn’t like the last one. He’s different. You two are actually really similar, I think you would like him.” Her dimple revealing itself. Her smile, contagious. But all I could think about was the last boyfriend. How he stalked her. How he used her. How she was curled on her bed until she needed to change the sheets because of the tears. How it took months until she felt safe. “The party is tonight, you’re invited of course!”

My smile didn’t quite reach my eyes, “that’s great.” My grip loosened. I looked up looking into the leaves of the trees that I was lying under. The green leaves. “But…” I looked down at Jolene, she doesn’t need to know how I feel. “But how are you going to swoon him with your hair looking like that?” I chuckled, curling her hair with my finger. But she didn’t laugh.

“Grace, don’t be like this, please.” Her eyebrows wrinkled. The weight in my chest got heavier as she lifted her head off my chest.

“What do you mean?” I knew exactly what she meant.

“You never tell me how you feel. What do you think? Are you actually happy for me?” she was gripping my forearm. At that moment my sleeves no longer felt long enough. I looked away. I couldn’t meet her eyes anymore. Her brown autumn eyes had shifted to the cold halloween that no one liked. The one where there was no life, no love, the time of the year where even the birds had had enough and escaped somewhere warm. I tried standing up, but Jolene pushed me down.

“You always do this! Why is it only me that is willing to share how I feel? Why do you treat me like a little sister? Are we not friends?”

“I… I just can’t” I muttered. “It isn’t like I share any of your secrets with anyone els-.”

“It’s because you don’t have anyone else!” The wind blew, obscuring my eyes with my hair. My whole body shivered. Sweat. Cold. Everything felt. Wrong. Jolene covered her mouth with her hands, tears already forming in her eyes, “I’m so sorry Grace… I didn’t mean, you know I didn’t.” Her hand was already reaching back to my arm but I brushed it off.

“It’s okay,” it wasn’t, “I know you didn’t mean it,” I did. I pushed myself off the blades of grass.

“No Grace, please. I am so sorry, please don’t go,” reaching once again, but this time I didn’t need to push her warm comforting hand away because she stopped herself.

I turned and looked at her, the first autumn leaf. My heart pounded in my ears. All I wanted to do was sit back down and say it was all okay and cradle Jolene. But I just couldn’t because then I would have to share, I tugged my sleeves as far down as I could. “I won’t tell anyone if you are worried about that.” I turned around and walked away from Jolene. After each and every step I cast a glance behind me to see Jolene get smaller and smaller. Then I stopped looking back.

…

Distant sirens brought me back. Where was I? Where am I? Why am I not in the- Oh god. Jolene. I heard the sparks from the fire, my face felt warm. I opened my eyes to see the blazing fire engulfing the car, flashing blue and red lights. “Jolene,” I said, reaching my arm out. “I’m back.” My sleeve was tattered, The scars revealed. Long lines of torn skin each one a different texture to the next scar.

A fireman? The fire began to die down. But the smoke only got larger. I couldn’t see. Was that Jolene? I tried getting up, but the weight of nothing was holding me down. I couldn’t, my body wouldn’t allow it. Until the fire and the smoke disappeared. I watched as the fireman cranked the door open and there were two disfigured grey and burnt bodies.

“Jolene,” I pushed myself up. I wanted to run, but I ran forward but the hands of the firefighters were already holding me back.

All I could do was scream.

It was all my fault. Because I could keep a secret.