Drama Funny Fiction

This story contains sensitive content

Explicit Language and Themes

I don’t like your tone.

I’m not yelling, Thomas? 

Well, I don’t like your monotone; it’s disturbing. I’d rather you be yelling at me. 

But I’m not. Have you done that report yet? It was due yesterday. 

Dean, Dean, I have rights here. You can’t just jump on me about some report without a written or verbal warning. 

Im not giving you a warning. I’m just asking for the report. 

See, there you go… using that tone again — (copying monotone) I’m just asking for the report. It’s nerve shattering. Im going to take a break. I have rights, Dean. 

Which rights are you exercising? 

… I don’t know. But when I find them, I’ll let you know. And oh yeah, the report will be sent by my owl, and he’s got a slanted eye. He don’t see too well and that makes him go slower than usual. But I promise, they’ll be there within the week; maybe next week. 

Thomas ….

(Mimics again in Monotone) Thomas…



Goddamnit Thomas! You know if we weren’t neck deep in financial shit, I’d fire your ass so fast it’d catch on fire! 

That’s better, Dean. I like the fire butt bit, too. It really gave me a case of the chuckles. 

Thomas…. (Sighs deeply), just get that report in by the end of the day. Ok? 

What report? 

(Inaudible cursing) 

Did you just call me an apricot? Or a faggot? Because there’s a big difference here: One, I’m a person, Dean, I can’t be a fruit… well, never mind; and two! I don’t have any cigarettes on me, and I can’t be lit and smoked and flaming… damn, the irony is killing me, but three, Dean, three! I truly have no idea what report you’re talking about…. 

(Deeper sigh) I didn’t call you anything, Thomas. And …

Remember Dean, I have rights here. I shall not be infringed upon. 

And… it’s your monthly report — the only report you ever have to write…. I have another call to make, please just get it to me by the end of the day. 

I have another call to make, too. I do important stuff, too, Dean. 

Hey! Thomas what’s going on, bud! 

Ah, nothing much man, just working like a mule. 

Same…. (Silence for a moment) want to come over and get high and drink this new whiskey made in Antarctica? 

They make whiskey in Antarctica? 

Not sure, but that’s what they told me when I bought it. 

Who’d you buy it from? 

…. Ok, you got me, I stole it. 

And that you lied it was from Antarctica? 

Yeah, yeah, whatever. I know you believed it for like a second. 

No, not really.

Well, do you want to come over or not? 

It is my lunch break…. But, I do have a lot of work to do — yeah, I’ll be over there in a hot 15 minutes. 

Great. Im already on my third micro dose of acid. I heard Bill Gates puts acid in his coffee, and that guy is like a genius and billionaire. You got to do what it takes, man. It’s already working! These numbers are speaking to me! I’m about to place a bet right now. It’ll change my life; I know it! 

Don’t get too balled-out before I get there. I need some Bill Gates therapy, too. And with what money? 

Don’t worry about it.  

Ugh… monotone.


Nothing. Be there soon. 

Wow, so you got yourself a dog… or wildabeast or something. 

Yeah, he’s just a pup; a rescue. Guess what I call him. 


Shit… how’d you guess that?

Lucky guess…. So, where’s this whiskey and weed? 

Smoked and drank it all last night. 

What? What the hell do you mean? That’s why I came down here! 

I thought you were bringing it, man. 

NO! I wasn’t!

Well, then we got to get more. 

Good idea…. I’ll be back. Got fifty bucks? 

Nah man. 

Not even a fiver? 

No… but I have some acid left. Want that? 

Why not. 


How long does it take for it to kick in? 

I don’t know. Twenty minutes or twenty hours, not too sure. 

That’s quite the range. 

No one said being Bill Gates was easy. 

No one even said he’s ever done that? Whatever, I’ll be back, dude. 

I read it on a Facebook post!

Yeah, yeah….

…. Don’t forget to get — oh, ah well. 

Can I get … that one. 

This one? 

No the one my finger isn’t pointing at. 

Ok, asshole. Anything else? 

Yeah, well, I’m not quite so sure… your shelves keep rotating. 

No, they’re not. 

Yes, they are 

SIR, no they’re not! 

Mrs., yes they are! 

It’s Mr., you basket case! Either buy this now or get out and quit wasting my time and patience! 

Ok. Do you take Korean dollars? 


Don’t use our saviors name in vain! I’m a priest goddamnit! At the Korean church down the street! 

You’re no priest! 

What? A priest has to always wear his black spot and robes? People of faith wear jeans and flannels, too, you know? I think you may be the antichrist here to test my faith!

No! I’m not! Now give me money or get out! 

Sure. Here’s AMERICAN money, since this RACIST establishment won’t take foreign currency. 

Good, now get out. 

Don’t I get a bag? 


I don’t need it for my face; I need it for my whiskey! 

Do it yourself. 

I will! 


It is good! 

Sweet Jesus…. 

You’ll burn in hell for that one… Franny!

It’s Frankie! Now get the hell out of my store before I call the cops! 

Buddy, guess what? I am a cop! And HQ’s going to be all over this place if you’re not careful. You ever heard of pizzagate? Yeah, well, we’ve heard talks of liquorgate — happening in this very town. 

I’m calling the cops. 

I know my rights…

What kind of whiskey did you get? 

Not sure. But I know it’s not from Antarctica. 

This isn’t whiskey, it’s rum. 

Same color. Who cares. I had to get out of their fast. Some crazy clown was arguing with the clerk and things almost got violent. I was lucky to have gotten out of there with my life!

Was it an actual clown? 


Was he funny? 

Why do you assume it’s a man? 

Have you seen a woman clown? 

Probably somewhere. I would bet any amount of money in the world; there has been a lady clown out there — SOMEWHERE. And no, he wasn’t funny. 

Shame. Nothing worse than an unfunny clown. Man, do you think we’ll ever be sober? 

If we’re lucky, no. Life is intoxicating, but in a way that doesn’t get you drunk. It kills you. Just like drugs and alcohol does, but with those, you at least feel something better than mundanity. I don’t know… it’s just a waste of time. Except if you ruining your life or something…. 

…. How do you mean? 

Nothing, man, nothing. I think I need to get to work. 

No, what did you mean ruining your life? Did you mean me? 

No. I didn’t. 

It may be the drugs, but I hear your thoughts, man. You meant me. 

I didn’t though. Look, just drink more of that whiskey, dad. And smoke some of this weed. I got to go. 

Don’t call me that. I’m not your dad. None of us have dads, man! There’s only ONE dad, and he don’t come around anymore. He got taken by an ancient species, and he ain’t coming back! Not never! I saw it, with my own eyes. ZAP! Taken! Most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. 

Believe me. I’d rather not use that phrase, but sometimes, your reality is too crazy for me to keep up with this… charade…. I’m going to take some acid with me. 

Alright man. Take it easy. You were always good at that… taking it easy.  

Yeah, you too, man

Tell Dean he’s still a blimp!

Will do….

Thomas, is that report done yet? I’m looking through my emails; nothing, nada, no report. 

What report? 

Thomas, look…. 

Before you go any further, I just want you to know that…. 


I know my rights.


Dean? You get punched by a client again? 

…. Just give it to me tomorrow. And how’s dad? 

Working on it…. Does the company insurance cover therapy?



Dad cut the insurance benefits in half after losing big in Vegas, remember?

I do now. 

Dad already went to therapy.

It’s for me. 

Ah, I see…. 

How’s the company?

Working on it….

February 19, 2023 21:19

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Mary Bendickson
22:40 Mar 25, 2023

Oops. Just looking through lists of stories and saw your title. I didn't mean to but I used the same title on my entry this week #190. Mine is nothing like this. Mine is just pure nonsense. Wish there was some search available so we could double check to see if we are duplicating title names, or even to find a title we what to re-read.


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19:17 Mar 03, 2023

This story had a color to it from the opening scene, from the opening line. The dialog held me from the first, but always looking in at the characters, never in sympathy, never thinking that I could knowingly trade places. Pending doom, pending circumstances beyond the will or ability of the protagonists to control. I was exhausted after reading these 3,000 words.


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