Debating my Future

“Please,” begged my mom. “Don't let your father down.” I really didn’t want to give in to him, but the love in my mother’s eyes was too strong to ignore. “Ok, I’ll think about it,” I told her, just to satisfy her. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to give in, and I disregarded the thought for the remainder of the day. That night was when the nightmares started pouring in. I dreamed that I was put in a dark room and locked in until I starved to death. But the crazy part was, my parents were standing outside the door, laughing hysterically. My father was holding the key that prevented my escape. At this point in my dream, I woke up. Terrified. I was sweating and breathing hard, and all I could think was, “I need to take this job.” 

The next morning I did not tell anyone about my nightmare. I couldn’t go back to sleep last night because I was too scared the door was going to lock and trap me in. I slept on the couch in the living room, because it was an open area. I did, however, fall asleep fairly quickly after all that. Before my father opened up his shop to customers, I asked to speak to him, alone. I asked him how much me working at his music store meant to him. “It doesn’t seem like much, but this store is the second most valuable thing to me,” he replied, then sighed. I felt a little guilty, seeing how much my father wanted this to happen, and then basically denying his hopes and dreams. But then I stopped myself. “What’s the first most valuable,” I asked. “You,” he said with a smile.

Now I really felt guilty. I knew I had no choice. My father kind of winked, then went back to go open his shop. I really wanted to go to college and be an astronaut, but I couldn’t just say no to my own father. I went home feeling defeated. When my sister, Olivia asked what was wrong, I was at a loss for words. Even though I really didn’t feel like explaining my problems, I decided to tell her. I explained how my dad wanted me to work at his music shop, but I didn’t want to work there. But despite my sadness, Olivia being my sister decided to make me feel even worse. “Well I don’t have to work there unless I want to because only the men in the family are obligated to,” she bragged. “Well, so much for the family being supportive,” I thought. 

I was going to have to make a decision sometime soon. My father has been pressuring me into this, and I hated it. I couldn’t bear to stand the mere thought of letting my parents down, let alone our ancestors, and other members of our family before us. If 

I refused, the tradition would be broken, but if I accept, so could my future. 

As the night passed, I grew closer and closer to my conclusion. My mind was racing faster than ever before. But it was clear to me that I had my answer. The next morning, I told my dad we needed to talk. I didn’t know how to break it to him, but there was no turning back. “So what did you decide,” he asked me. I had to be honest. “No.”

“What do you mean no?” my father asked with tears in his eyes. “No I’m not darkening my bright future to light up yours,” I replied.  The look in his eyes said it all. I knew how disappointed he was in me. I knew I was being pretty harsh, but I had no other choice. I had made my final decision, and I wasn’t changing my mind. I did, however, although I told him no, I felt bad for him. “Maybe I’m being too hard on him. After all, he is my father,” I thought. I really did feel bad for him, but I didn’t want to. I had been miserable, stressing and worrying over the big choice I had to make. Instead of being supportive, all I got was people pressuring me. I walked away, because that was all I could do. “I had really messed up,” I thought.

That night, just as I thought this whole catastrophe was over, I had another nightmare. This one, in a way similar to the last, I was kicked out of the house. And my parents, once again, were laughing hysterically at me. I woke up before anything else happened. It sounds childish but once again, I slept on the couch. I don’t understand why the couch is any better than my bed, but it gave me some relief that everything would be OK. Despite the couch, I was unable to fall back asleep, and I ended up awake at 3 in the morning. This time I knew I wasn’t getting away so easy. This time I wasn’t sure everything would be OK. 

I didn’t talk to my dad until late afternoon. We barely spoke. He just muttered,”Hi.” I knew how upset he was. I was afraid I’d make the situation worse if I tried to talk with him. I felt terrible. I was not only breaking the tradition but also my father’s heart. I was not changing my mind though. No matter how bad I felt, I wasn’t giving in. I wished there was some way we could both get what we wanted. That night I couldn’t sleep at all. I stayed up all night, trying desperately to find a solution. I wasn’t sure that there was one, and I lost hope of it. I realized I had made the right choice. I didn’t think it was fair to beat myself up like this. I was going to go to college. “I certainly hope I can get a scholarship,” I thought. I knew he wasn’t paying!

“The end of this is not coming easily,” I thought. This pressure I had been feeling seemed endless. I wondered if I would ever escape this torture. To my surprise, I did. Now it was all over. It was as if I just finished a week long marathon of watching horror movies and my eyes were taped open. I’m done.