Don't you remember?

As the spectral glow of the morning sun crept through the kitchen, the warm scent of vanilla and coconut overtook the air. Hm, she must’ve gotten a new perfume,  I thought to myself. A feeling of familiarity, vague yet known, overtakes me. Glancing around, my gaze stumbles upon my hands. Was that scar always there? I wonder. Before I can reassure myself my wife, Nora, peeks out from the bedroom.

 “Hey babe, can you grab my work shirt? I don’t see it here and I’m running a bit late.” She flusters as she stands in the doorway. Makeup mostly done, jeans half on, her t-shirt from the night before. She somehow always ends up running late, even when she wakes up early. I’ve always wondered how she manages to do it but I love her for it. 

“Sure, sweetheart. Did you leave it in the dryer again?” I ask.

She gives me a puzzled look then quickly brushes it off with a “‘nevermind” while disappearing back to our room.

“Did you see the news? Looks like they released the new update to the public. Good luck at work today, ok?” I say. We were fortunate enough to have gotten the update prior to the big release. Less waiting and chaos makes the whole process go a lot smoother. 

“Of course baby.” She calls. She turns the corner, hair tied back, jeans fully on, wearing her black work button up, which must’ve been in the bathroom. Although, I could’ve sworn she wore a white one yesterday. Who knows they’re always changing, I shrug it off as she grabs her bag and rushes towards the door.

“I’ll see you later, I love you.”

“I love you t-...” She shuts the door before I can get it out. 

I flop on the couch, a bit stiffer than I remember, and turn on the pannel. An ad for the new update of Arkaya plays on the projection. I’ve never been a huge fan of all the new technology, but it’s kind of hard to avoid when that’s what the world runs on these days. Nora works for Arkaya, so I kind of had to support her and get the treatment. “You’ll feel better than ever! Double your cognitive ability, boost your immunity, enhance your mental health! Don’t let worldly troubles get in the way of living your optimum life!” they say. It’s kind of nice being able to forget what you don’t want to remember. Whether your life’s going down hill or you’ve fallen ill, just go in and get an update. Occasionally, they’ll release a new one for everyone, to sort out bugs and what not. Nora had told me some people were having some unusual side effects, so Arkaya released a new mandatory update. I personally preferred when you could just get a vaccine or let your body do its thing naturally and be good, but then again it’s helped me a lot with my life, that’s for sure, and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had the treatment. Now that I think of it, I felt a little fuzzy after this new release and can’t remember much of how it went, but that’s normal, I think. I haven’t felt quite like this before. I feel detached, yet aware. It’s almost like I’m in my body but there are more layers, as if I’m wearing myself as a suit. Anyways, I’m sure it’s nothing. 

Nora sits in the sharp, spotless Wellness Division office at Arkaya. The smell of sanitizer and pine lingered through the air. The polished, white glass walls radiating a sense of dubious security. She always felt uneasy there but check ups are necessary. 

 “So, how have you two been doing with the new update? Any side effects? Things out of the ordinary?” The doctor asks Nora from across the empty white desk with an uncanny stare, almost robotic. His white coat is crisp as ever and not a hair out of place. 

“Nothing too significant.” Nora hesitantly responds. “I feel fine and my wife, she’s mostly the same.” She pauses. “Except she did ask me if my shirt was in the dryer again but she knows I tend to leave it in the bathroom. I don’t think I’ve ever left anything in the dryer. I always take out our clothes when it’s done so they don’t get wrinkled. She seems to have forgotten that, isn’t that a bit strange?”

“Occasional, insignificant misremembering is completely normal with the new update release. It should wear off after a couple days and go back to normal. Nothing to worry about.” The doctor states comfortingly with a forced, prolonged grin. “Why don’t we check back in about a week and see how things are. Does that sound good?” 

“Yah, yah that’s fine. Thank you.” Nora sighs reluctantly. 

“Anytime Nora. Good luck!” The doctor rises with a handshake, still grinning. He guides her to the door. Nora walks out muddled. He seems weirder than usual after an update, she thinks to herself. She glances back to see him still standing in the doorway before abruptly turning back to his desk. 

“Odd.” She whispers to herself. 

It’s been a little over a week since we got the new update. Nora seems to be doing fine. Me on the other hand, I’m not so sure. Things keep slipping my mind. Memories have changed on me then changed back again. Things I thought were one way seemingly becoming another. I remembered our trip to Rome last year, but the pictures on the fridge assured me we had gone to London instead. Same with the books I noticed in the living room. I had never been a big fan of Carl Jung, but the shelf had told me otherwise and I think I’m starting to believe it. My mind is playing ping pong with whatever it thinks it knows. Nora keeps assuring me it’s nothing to worry and it’ll pass but I’m becoming less sure. I feel myself sinking further within. Another version of myself trying to creep to the surface then returning. Giving me a taste of a life I once knew perhaps or maybe one I imagined. I can’t tell which is the one I’m supposed to know. I feel the knowing slipping through my fingers right when I think I’ve grasped it. I’ve been trying to figure it out, figure out what I’m supposed to remember. Nora told me to meditate, like I always do, to feel more stable. Is it bad I feel like I shouldn’t trust her anymore? She works for Arkaya after all, maybe they did this on purpose. I shake off the thought. I lay on the bed and try to clear my thoughts. Breathe in, hold, and breathe out. Breathe in, hold, and breathe out. It works for a moment but the thought of suspicion is lurking over me. I can’t get it out. It covers me like heavy dirt, I feel like I’m being buried alive. My heart quickens. Faster, harder, I can’t hear anything else. I can’t open my eyes. I feel stuck. Stuck in my body, stuck in my mind. Panic consumes me and I need to escape. From within the depths I hear a faint slam, perhaps a door. Next there is nothing, an empty space. Nora shakes me aggressively. I feel myself get yanked to the surface. She calls out to me with terror and dread in her voice. 

My eyes snap open. I stare at her perplexed. She stares back, eyes radiating fear. 

“What’s wrong? What happened? God, please tell me you’re ok, say something!” She cries.

I stare blankly at her, partially in a daze, then at the ground. 

“Say something, please.” She says calmer now.

“I.. I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it.” I whisper.

“Try your best.” She says impatiently.

I take a deep breath, but it doesn’t help. I feel my heartbeat creeping up again. A wave of confusion, frustration, and fear overtakes me. I snap. 

“I don’t know who I am anymore! Everything I think I know is wrong. My memories aren’t my own, they feel like someone else's!” I stammer, trying to catch my breath. Head still turned to the floor, my eyes dart around as I try to think of something to make her understand. I catch a glimpse of my hand.

“I don’t even know where this scar came from!” I exclaim in anguish. Hands shaking as I bring them up to show her. 

“What? You don’t remember?” Nora whimpers. “Last year? When we moved into the last apartment and they broke in. You don’t remember picking up the glass to protect me?” Voice shaky and distraught, on the verge of tears now. 

“No, I … I don’t.” I whisper confused, regretful. Trying to hide the fact that it’s a lot more than just that. But how could I forget something like that? Something so dreadful, so intense, so memorable. I remembered the break in but we had been gone. Getting groceries at the time or were we at the movies? I can’t recall, it’s too blurry, it’s changing too much. Too many options that feel right. All I know is we didn’t come back till they had already left. I was sure of it.

“We both agreed not to get an update until it was necessary, even though it was traumatic, it brought us closer together. We didn’t want to just erase it. This new update wasn’t even supposed to do that. I mean I still remember. I thought… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore.” Nora hesitated. “I have to go.” She hastily grabbed her keys and went for the door. I wanted to stop her, I did but I froze. What could I even say that would make her feel better? I felt so lost. As much as I wish I did, I don't remember. I didn’t even recognize the memories I had. It’s like my mind is grabbing at the void, for something, anything. Each one it grasps feels just as right as the other. I don’t even feel safe in  my own mind anymore.  

Nora waits in the waiting room outside of the director of Arkaya’s office. Overcome with impatience, she can’t stop tapping her leg. He calmly opens the door.

“Hello Nora, why don’t you come on in?” he says welcomely. Noticing her distress he offers her a smile and beckons her to come in.  

“She’s different. It’s like she’s in there but it’s not her. I don’t know who that person is.” she says through a trembling voice.

“Of course it’s not her. You knew that. That’s how the update works. We find the optimal consciousness and replace the existing one. Nora, what else did you expect? You’ll grow to love her again just as you have before.” states the director. 

“I know but I didn’t know it would be this different. It’s never been like this before. It’s always little things, barely noticeable. I think I liked her more before the new update. She didn’t even remember saving my life. It brought us together, it made us who we are or who we were I should say.  I don’t even know if she would do that for me now. I barely recognized the person that was in front of me.” She says, tears welling up.

“I’m sorry Nora, but you know what happens to the previous consciousness. That’s just how things work. It’s out of our control.” The director states.

“I know.” She flusters. Maybe this isn’t the best way, she thinks. No, no it’s better like this she reassures herself. It’s a good thing. There’s less disease, less crime, less pain, less suffering, less emotion, less intimacy, less knowing, less human. When things go south just get an update. Just let your optimal consciousness take over. Just erase who you are and replace it with a better you. I hate to say it but the world has gotten a lot better since the treatment came out, she thinks to herself. Arkaya has saved us, saved humanity. But at what cost? Why is everyone ok with losing themselves over and over? Losing what makes them who they are and switching to a version they can barely recognize? How can everyone be ok with this? Maybe we’ve gone too far. Maybe we should stop. We are playing God and the God we’ve chosen to play might just be the devil.