Days Gone By

The supermarket was packed at 12:30 on a Tuesday afternoon. Stay-at-home moms with their toddlers in tow, elderly couples struggling to read their shopping lists, and business execs on their lunch breaks bustled down nearly every aisle. Tamara gripped the handle of her basket tightly as a very pregnant woman bounded down the frozen food section after an unruly four-year-old. 

Tamara was glad that her days of chasing kids around were over; now, all she ever did was worry about if her were kids were doing drugs or drinking or something dangerous, or if their cars were flipped over in a ditch somewhere. 

She liked her kids more now that they were older and could take care of themselves. Not that she didn’t like them - or better yet, love them - before, it was just much easier now to get along with them. Being so young herself, Tamara found herself connecting with her kids more than most of her adult friends. 

Tamara had been just 18, a freshman in college, when she’d gotten pregnant with Hayden. Two months later, she and Justin had been married. They’d only been dating a couple of weeks before Tamara had gotten pregnant, and for the first year of their marriage, their relationship had been strained. Things got better after their second son, Christian, was born, once the two began to learn more about each other and understand how best to live with one another, but they were by no means soulmates. 

And that was why, after nearly 16 years together, Justin had filed for divorce from Tamara. A week after the divorce was finalized, Justin moved to California to be with his 23-year-old girlfriend in Malibu - the same one he’d been dating for six months before filing for divorce. 

Tamara had hardly been surprised; she had never been particularly close with her husband, especially in the last few years of their marriage. They’d had separate bank accounts, knew none of each other's passwords for anything, and even had their own friend groups. Tamara had always chalked it up to the both of them being fiercely independent, but it hadn’t occurred to her until nearly two years ago that perhaps the reason they were so distant with each other was because they simply weren’t meant for each other. However, she’d known that when they’d gotten married, especially since the only reason they were holding the ceremony was for the benefit of the little life growing inside her and both of their very traditional families. 

Now, at 36 years old, Tamara was single again. But she hardly considered herself to be “on the market”; she certainly was not interested in dating again, not for quite a while at least. Maybe she’d wait until after she couldn’t have kids anymore. She didn’t think she wanted to start over with a baby after being out of practice for so long. 

She’d only dated two guys in her entire life thus far - Justin, obviously, and Andrew, her first love. Andrew had been every girl’s dream of a high school bad boy. He rode a motorcycle to school, had a major problem with authority, and was more interested in getting high than doing his homework. That’s what had drawn Tamara to him in the first place. Actually, that’s what had drawn every girl in school to him. 

Tamara had been scared shitless when Andrew first approached her on the track during gym class in eleventh grade. He’d been watching her run from the bleachers, eyes raking over her slim figure in the tight gym shorts and matching tank top. Tamara had caught his eye several times, noticing how he laughed with his friends as they no doubt made vulgar remarks about her and every other girl on the track. 

When he’d come up to her that day, his opening line had been, “Those shorts look really good on you, but they’d look even better on my bedroom floor.” His devilish smirk had her running off down the track again, trying to push his stupid pickup line out of her head. The look of disgust on her face when he’d spoken to her must have gotten to him; after school that same day, he’d apologized to her in the parking lot on her way out to her car, in front of all his friends. They seemed shocked, and he seemed uncomfortable doing it, but Tamara knew his apology had been sincere, so she’d forgiven him on the spot.

From that day on, she and Andrew had become close friends. He took her to wild parties, made her skip school with him, and even gave her her first joint. A few months later, their friendship turned into something more. He had been her first, and after that, they’d been inseparable. 

Funnily enough, it seemed that instead of making her wild, Tamara somehow made Andrew calmer. When they were together, he no longer tried to play the role of the bad boy. He’d even made plans to actually do something with his life, talking about going to community college or a technical school. Tamara had been so utterly obsessed with the idea of them building a life together that she neglected to notice when things started to go wrong in his life. 

Growing up, Andrew’s father had been an abusive alcoholic, always beating on him and his mom and his sisters. He’d left when Andrew was ten, but came back every so often when he wanted a place to stay and a woman to throw around. Andrew’s mother was so messed up that she always welcomed him back home, always believed his lies about wanting to be with her and the kids again, about loving her. Suffice to say, his childhood and early adult life had been tumultuous.

His dad came back about a month before their graduation. Tamara and Andrew had been in a strong relationship for nearly two years, and they were more than ready to start their lives together once they left high school. They’d planned for Andrew to move with her to college, where he’d go to the local community college while she got her bachelor’s in nursing. Tamara had already picked out the cutest apartment for them to get during their second year there. They wanted to get a dog together, and learn how to cook each other’s favorite meals, and figure out taxes and mortgages and loans and all the other bullshit you only have to worry about when you’re an adult, together.

But then his dad came. And then graduation came. And then the principal called Andrew’s name and he didn’t walk across the stage. He didn’t even get out of his seat. Tamara found out later that he hadn’t shown up, and no one had seen him the entire day. 

Three days later, after countless phone calls, emails, and drive-bys on Tamara’s part, Andrew came to her house at midnight, throwing stones at her second-story window. When she’d come downstairs, he told her he was leaving and that he’d come to say goodbye. He’d kissed her brow and left her driveway on his motorcycle. Tamara had never heard from him again.

Sometimes Tamara would catch herself wondering what her life would’ve been like had Andrew never left. If she would’ve ever met Justin in the first place. When she would’ve had kids. If her career would have even been the same. But she knew it was a moot point. 

She loved her kids more than anything, and she was grateful to Justin for at least giving her the gift of motherhood, if nothing else. She didn’t want a life without her kids, no matter how amazing it could’ve been.

Tamara paused in front of the frozen meals. She knew she had to work late shifts at the hospital this week, and it’d be much more cost-efficient to have her kids heat up these than order more pizza. While trying to decide between Banquet meals or Lean Cuisine’s, Tamara’s shoulder was jostled by a passing shopper. 

She turned to yell at the person, telling them to watch where they were going and to be mindful of others. Her breath caught in her throat as she took in the tall, muscular man before her. His face was set in a frown, and the hard glint in his eye told Tamara that he hadn’t planned on apologizing.

Shock crossed his own features as he took in Tamara. It was quickly placed with recognition. Tamara felt that she knew him as well. His face looked so familiar to her. And then all it once, it hit her. Every memory the two had ever shared came flooding back into Tamara’s mind, and at the same time as she said, “Andrew?”, the man said, “Tamara?” 

The two shared an incredulous look as they processed what was happening. Andrew shook his head as he stared into her face, and Tamara’s eyes swept over every inch of his body as she drank in his toned physique. He certainly hadn’t looked like that in high school. 

“I can’t believe that I’m seeing you right now. This can’t be real…” Andrew muttered the last part to himself as he stared into Tamara’s eyes. She was at a loss for words, not even able to form a comprehensible thought. It was really Andrew, standing in front of her in the middle of the frozen food aisle in the supermarket. This wasn’t happening right now. 

“Um, how have you been?” Andrew offered the question with a shrug of his shoulders, visibly unsure of himself in this situation. Tamara finally noticed the fatigues he was wearing, the stars and stripes on his right breast pocket, and the name badge above them.

“You joined the military?” He’d never talked about joining the military. He’d hated the government back in high school, going off on political tangents about how Big Brother was watching us and how the politicians were trying to control us. Tamara had just ignored him because he’d sounded like a crazy person, but she had never expected this. He stood taller and straightened his clothes.

“Marines,” he said gruffly. “It was my only option really, after everything…” Tamara didn’t know what he meant by “everything”, but she wasn’t in the mood to press him about it. Just as their memories came flooding back to her, so did the resentment from him leaving her. She didn’t much care to talk to him anymore. 

“Well, it was nice seeing you again. I hope you take care of yourself.” Tamara shot him a weak smile and shifted the basket to her other hand, turning away from Andrew. His hand shot out and gripped her shoulder.

“Tamara, wait - ” She shook him off, stepping back a few paces from him. He looked like he was sorting through his thoughts, trying to come up with something to say. His eyes held something that looked like pain, and it shot a knife right through Tamara’s heart. She decided to listen to what he had to say. 

“Look, the truth is, not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you,” Andrew said. His hand raked through his buzzcut and came to rest on the back of his neck, massaging it as he tried to continue. “I’ve hated myself every single damn day for what I did to you. It’s seriously the biggest regret of my life. I wanted that life with you so bad, and I was so afraid of screwing it up, that I just ran.

“I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t want to end up disappointing you, and I decided it’d just be a hell of a lot easier if you hated me. So I left. And like I said, it’s the biggest regret of my life.” He sighed and closed his eyes. Tamara looked around at the other people in the aisle. They were watching the exchange with interest, but quickly looked away when they realized they’d been noticed.

“I know that’s probably a lot to hear and I’m sorry for saying it in the middle of the goddamn grocery store, but I’ve been wanting to say that for the last 18 years.” He finally seemed to notice Tamara’s shocked expression and muttered to himself, “Shit.” 

Tamara didn’t know what to say. That was certainly a declaration of love if she’d ever heard one. But she couldn’t help remembering how terrible it’d felt when he’d left, how she’d cried that entire summer before going off to college. The only reason she’d dated Justin was because they’d hooked up a few times at parties and he was persistent about making it a more regular thing. And the only reason she’d hooked up with Justin in the first place was because she was trying to forget about Andrew. Trying to fill the hole in her heart that he’d left in his place. 

“I know you probably still hate me. I wouldn’t blame you. But maybe I could explain everything over, I don’t know, like, coffee, or something. Would you let me do that at least that?” His pleading tone tugged on Tamara’s heartstrings. As much as she didn’t want to, she couldn’t resist a chance to see him again. All these years later, and she was still a sucker for him.

She reluctantly nodded her head, and relief filled Andrew’s eyes. He nodded his own head and smiled a little, a brief, breathless chuckle passing his lips. Tamara couldn’t help but smile a little, too. His smile had always been infectious.

“Thank you. Thank you so much, seriously.” That little smile stayed on his face, and this time it was Tamara’s turn to chuckle. This grown man before her looked so damn cute.

She had to remind herself who he was and what he’d done to her before she got too carried away. She also had to make sure the both of them knew it was just coffee and a chance to explain the past, nothing more. 

“It’s just coffee, Andrew. Don’t get too excited. It’s not like we really have any good coffee places around here anyways.” Tamara shrugged and let the basket swing a little beside her. Andrew’s face fell a little but he quickly recovered.

“I know that. I’m just happy I can explain myself, you know. It’s been almost 20 years in the making.” Neither of them smiled or chuckled at that. 20 years had gone by and Tamara had never heard from him, until today, that is. She didn’t really know how to feel about that. 

“I’ll give you my number and we can figure it out from there. I’ve gotta run, so…” Andrew nodded and handed Tamara his phone. She quickly put in her cell number and handed it back. “I’ll talk to you soon then.” 

“You sure will,” he said, then immediately cringed. Tamara had to stifle a laugh at his embarrassment. He’d lost his smoothness with the ladies clearly. 

“Goodbye, Andrew,” Tamara said as she walked past him toward the checkout, her search for frozen meals abandoned. The kids could just order pizzas.

“Bye, Tamara.” And with that, the two parted ways. Tamara was left with the feeling she’d had when they’d been so young and so in love - hope. Hope for the future, hope that she could forgive him, hope that he’d changed.

But she knew as she was walking out of the supermarket that whatever he had to say, she’d probably forgive him anyway. At least for old time’s sake.