Just a Taste

After countless years of uninterrupted studying, she was finally going to be done. Hours and hours of sitting and depending on books and knowledge to fight the sense of loneliness that invaded most of her thoughts. She was almost done with school. She had three days left and yet she was again waiting. Marnie was so sick of the endless cycle of hurry up to get something done only to be stuck waiting. The cycle pervaded all parts of her life, but most frustratingly was social. She didn’t want to wait anymore with school she had been waiting for life to begin for so long now. She wanted to be wild, to cast aside rules. Even more than that she wanted to see two of the people that let her find enjoyment and feel a connection to the world. 

For Marnie to study effectively she had to do it alone. Study groups were a distraction for her and she couldn’t afford those in the last stage of her Master’s program. This led to good grades, but a very poor social life. She didn’t even remember the last time she went out with friends. She missed secrets and good food with the kind of company that makes you feel connected to the world again. Books can’t offer the same connection people do and once you connect to people the connection to books is pale when a person needs human connection.  She was lonely she missed people. No one could help her with that or could they?

Miriam and Cade had been a welcome distraction throughout the program they were Marnie’s favorite people to steal a few minutes of freedom during a rough week. She had told them a while ago she would be graduating soon, and they had promised that when the time came, they would all celebrate together. 

Promises meant something to Marnie they always had she was the kind of person who went out of her way to keep her word. She expected the same of her friends and acquaintances. It had been the cause of a lot of grief in past friendships. Letting go of this expectation was a goal, but it was not reality currently. She wasn’t able to move past her need for people to keep their promises to her. 

In preparation for the upcoming date, Marnie had invited Miriam and Cade to hang out. She failed to mention the reason why. She wanted to know if they would remember, but also she really just wanted them to want to hang out not feel obligated due to this being a special day for her.  She was also asking them to do something a bit different than usual. She was so excited! She had proposed their trio go to a bar a loud one with live music. Usually, they went to dinner or met at her home. This was something she thought would appeal to all of them but be new and exciting at the same time. Even friendships can get stale if nothing new is ever added to the equation. She didn’t want that to happen and there were already troublesome signs in their friendship and she was hoping she hadn't noticed too late to fix the problems. 

Marnie hadn’t noticed due to school occupying most of her time, but it had been a while since they had talked and longer since they had met up. They didn’t work together anymore due to changes in Miriam and her own career paths. Friends don’t have to always be together, though right? Cade told her that when she mentioned that she missed them.  The changes will lead to new topics of conversation and deepen the relationship. Besides she had more time now they could realize all those plans for hikes, nights out, and camping trips. The question then was why hadn’t they answered her? Marnie had invited them, but so far she had not been answered. 

This night was so important to her she had built it up so much! One more night like all the rest is not how she pictured her first of freedom. She could clearly see what would happen she would come home. The house would be dark and quiet. She would let the dog out talking avidly about work and the latest gossip. She would then ask the dog about her day locked up while they wandered into the night. Once done wandering they would eat something quick to warm up and watch some crime show on tv. They would drift off then it would be a quick walk a bunch of pills and off to bed. Not much of a celebration. 

She had asked many people if they had plans. Most people did, but surely her friends would want to go out with her. It had been so long. Everyone was so busy lately. They had made promises and made plans. They wouldn’t just walk away from that for no reason. Yet Marnie’s phone remained silent. She went over the plan it was new they wouldn’t be bored she was sure of it. This is important and they cared about her right?

The promised day of freedom came. Miriam never answered Marnie’s text. Cade said he was busy but they really should pick a day soon to hang out. So Marnie was alone. A week later Miriam answered, “Who is this?” They had forgotten the importance of the day. So many plans discarded. It had to be asked were they ever friends? How do you throw someone away like that so callously? Marnie waited and waited and in the end, she was cast aside. 

So, what did Marnie do with her first night of freedom? She ordered her favorite sushi, watched a movie she had been wanting to see, and smiled because loneliness suited her. She and the dog still had their walk, but tonight was different even if it was just in some small way. Maybe the only companion she ever needed was herself after all there are no broken promises with her. She never had to impress herself and she was just glad to have her own time to devote to activities she wanted to do not had to do. Maybe she thought to herself you only have to give yourself permission to end your own loneliness maybe friends were never the answer.