Happy Endings Aren't for Everyone

I felt my nails dig into the wooden table, pain surging through my body. I lifted my eyes from my feet to the vase that was placed on the table. The single rose that was ever so delicately placed in the vase was wilting, the once luscious red petals a now musty color of burgundy. The final petal fell to the ground and disintegrated on the wood. I felt a single tear run down my cheek and drop, splattering itself from impact. I looked out the large picturesque window at the gloomy world outside. Large clouds made the sky a depressing shade of gray as large full raindrops plastered themselves onto the window. I got snapped back from my sorrowful state to the sound of beeping from the monitors and a faint, weak cough coming from my lover. 

I swiftly sat up and walked over to a slightly more cushioned chair next to the large bed that held my wife in its horrifying grasp. I tried to keep a strong smile on my face for her but as soon as she flipped over to look at me my heart crumbled into a million pieces along with my strength. 

“Hi my love, we should call the nurse.” 

I looked into her eyes and could see the pain behind the smile that stretched across her lips. 

“Please, for me.”

I didn’t say anything in fear of my voice cracking but just silently nodded and pressed the button for the nurse. Within seconds the nurse in blue scrubs walked in, clipboard in hand. 

“Ah yes, hello Mrs. and Mrs. Jones. Are you sure you are ready for this Eve?”

A faint but sad smile appeared on her face as she nodded, it seems it was her turn to not be able to talk.

“I’ll give you guys some time.”

She left the room scurrying away leaving us in the quiet presence of one another. After moments of us silently sulking she dared to speak up, 

“Baby, look at me” 

I felt her cold skeleton-like hands on my cheek, her thumb rubbing in a rhythmic motion. I felt tears start to form, burning my eyes to the point they became red. 

“You can’t fight it baby, it’s gonna happen let’s just enjoy this time.”

“You can’t say that!”

I started to yell, but as I turned my face towards her my voice quickly died to a whisper as I looked at her features. Her ghost pale face fading in color, the sunken cheeks, blue lips, and frail body that replaced her once sturdy frame.

“How are you so okay with this?”

I ask, my voice trembling as I looked at the sweater paws my hoodie had given me. I watched her hand shift over to link in mine, making me look back up at her soft eyes.

“I will never be okay with this, you know that, but it doesn’t matter what we are okay with it’s going to happen and I’m done fighting it.” 

“How am I supposed to say goodbye to you? You are the thing that kept me going and you are the thing that completes me. We are married for goodness sake, we have two children! How am I supposed to say goodbye to you, my love?”

“What is our motto? We will find a way. You will find a way to carry on, watch as our children grow old. You are still able to be there, you haven’t lost them.”

“But I will lose you.”

“We will meet again I promise.”

I watched as her hand became increasingly shaky as she lifted her pinky finger and held it out for me to make a promise. It was childish but at this point who gives a crap. I was about to refuse her, turn away, leave, cry, yell, do anything but accept the reality of our fate. But I then looked at her eyes, the eyes that could say everything in just one glance. I looked deep into them, their green glossy state made me almost forget the pain. Made me almost forget the last of the whispy hair she had left. Made me almost forget the frail figure she held as if you could tap her, and she would shatter like glass. Forget her creased forehead with the twinges of pain in the corners of her eyes. It almost made me forget the smell of cleaning supplies that masked the horrible stench of tragedy, lingering throughout the ward. I lifted my hand and reached her pinky sealing the promise. 

I stood up from the old chair hearing it creak as I stand. I let myself rest next to her in the white bed that was rock solid and clearly not made to comfort the feeling of despair. But as soon as I wrapped my arms around her, everything felt okay. Everything felt normal. It was an odd feeling, after years of everything being but normal, but it gave me a glimpse of what our life used to be. All the midnight road trips in the truck, the fields of flowers with pollen dancing through the sky. The romantic dates filled with giggles and blowing milk bubbles in our milkshakes. Reminded me of the first time we held our daughter and son. The time we watched them grow and become perfect. But most importantly it reminded me of us. Of the warm cuddles, and the harsh fights. The forehead kissed and apologies. Of love. 

I sat, her head resting on my chest, as my arms wrapped around her fragile boney waist. We stayed just like that for a long time but nevertheless it wasn’t long enough. I listened to her calm breathing and watched her head rising up and down as I breathed. But there wasn't enough time to say goodbye, there seemed to never be enough time to say goodbye. Not to the person who you loved with every fiber of your being. Not to the person you shared the deepest secrets with. Not to the person with whom you shared a ring with. Not to the person you vowed never to leave. Not to your favorite person in the whole wide world. When the nurse walked in I could see her eyes filled with pity as she walked over to the machines that kept Eve’s heart beating and the smile on her lips.

“You ready?”

She asked her voice soft and filled with sorrow. 

“Five more minutes please,” 

I begged, now alert, sitting up to face my baby. She was perfect in every way and no sickness could change that. 

“Baby I lo-“

“No. No. No. NO!”

It was supposed to sound like a scream, a demand, but it came out as a sob. A desperate sound that was found deep in my heart. She grabbed my hand and looked me dead in the eyes. She wore a soft smile through her pale lips, her eyes filled with emotion. She looked at me right before we broke into sobs embracing each other. After a minute of this, she pulled away wiping away my tears with her brittle thumbs. 

“Baby, this is the right decision, I have no more fight left in me. It’s time to move on.”

“But you are leaving me!”

“It needs to happen. I’m done.”

“But what about us? I can’t go on without you.” 

“We will live on when you see me again when like me your time has come and you have reached the same point I have now. I need to go.”

“But you can’t just leave me like that!”

“I would never leave you if I thought you couldn’t handle it. But you are strong, and I know you will be there for the children because you always have been. You will be strong because I know you and I love you. Because I know deep down you know it’s my time and that I believe in you.”

“But what if I’m not ready!”

“I’m sorry baby, but this is goodbye-“

“No! Please don’t do this to me.”

I cried desperately, my face still in her hands. 

“You are strong. But can you promise me something?”

“Yes of course love.” 

“Promise me you will be okay.”

“Baby I-“

“Promise me.”

It was her turn to sound desperate crying for the promise. Her eyes sloping downwards starting to fill up with the salty watered tears.

“Promise me you will continue to be happy, promise me you will take care of the kids.”

“I promise.”

“And promise me you won’t forget me.” 

This time I looked straight at her, my eyes now serious and determined.

“I promise you.”

And with that, she nodded to the nurse who smiled weakly as she started to click buttons. I looked back at my love and held her tighter than I ever have before, her head nuzzled into my chest. I heard her breathing becoming staggered and her face becoming drained. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My love dying and I could do nothing but watch. I kissed her one final time on the lips sending all of my love to her in one perfect kiss. She took one shaky breath and with a voice soft almost so quiet I couldn’t hear she whispered softly in my ear,

“I love you more than you will ever know.”

“I love you to the moon and back my dear. I will never forget you and I will meet with you someday, I promise you, I will find you no matter the cost.”

With our shaky exchange of words, we stopped and I pulled her into our final embrace and our final kiss. I felt her lips move less, then become numb, then become freezing, and then with her final force of energy, she pushed all of her love into a final kiss before I felt her lips leave mine. I laid her on the bed. Her skin ghost white, lips a dark blue, I pushed a strand of honey-colored hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear.

 I took in the final look of her body, noticing that her lips still formed a smile. I smiled for a brief second at the woman that I loved with all of my being resting ever so peacefully. After years of pain and suffering, she was finally at peace and that is when I realized what she meant by it was time for her to go. But as soon as these thoughts crossed my mind, the grief, the sorrow, the depression kicked in. I couldn’t hear anything but I felt my body tremble as I cried my heart out. The heart that held love for her. The heart that will always hold love for her, I promised. I sobbed until I couldn’t see, my vision so blurry. I sobbed to silence as the nurse rubbed my back in circles attempting to calm me down but knowing the pain that surged through my veins couldn’t be stopped. The pain that will forever live on in my heart. And as my sobs became heavier I realized one thing and one thing only. I never said goodbye.