Too Tight Skin

Warning - Possible Mental Health Trigger :

I could always tell the people who hadn’t outgrown their skin, they were grumpy all the time or just went about their lives on autopilot and never followed their passions. In fact, they don't even know what their passions were anymore. Life in the world is difficult enough and  it’s a painful process to become who you are meant to be, and begin to share your gifts with the world.  I guess that’s why so many people never choose to go through it.  It is a choice.  It’s the most important choice a person will make in their entire life.  Most people live out whole their lives  in skin that is way too tight, skin they are no longer comfortable in and haven't been for a really long time.  They followed the status quo, never rocked the boat, and barely dipped their oars in the water.   Their lives are a gray, bland, routine.  They saddest part of it was that they really think they were happy.  The world at large rewards this particular lifestyle, and constantly reinforces it by telling people they are being responsible and they are following the rules. The ones who choose to break free of their too tight skins are irresponsible rebels who would end up with nothing but the comfortable clothes on their backs and not the uncomfortable but very corporate and very fashionable attire that hid the pain of living in a too tight skin.  It was a sacrifice they are expected to make for the betterment of everyone concerned.

    Then there was me.  I was no longer content to live as they did.  This was no longer a sacrifice that I was willing to make.  So I quit my corporate job, donned my comfortable clothes, and chose me.  I chose me, to be me, to live as only I could live, to be who I was born to be.  I lost many friends who said they no longer understood me.  They didn’t understand my seemingly very sudden irrational behavior.  I had a good job, was making good money.  To the outside world I had a good life, to my inner world, I did not.

     I decided that the best way to start my new life was to seek out the company of others who had broken out of their too tight skins.  They weren’t as difficult to find as I imagined.  They showed up in the same places as people who hadn’t yet broken free.  They were easy to spot.  They were the ones with the new ideas, the creative tendencies, the ones everyone ignored and called crazy.  I fit right in.  

    I still lived in my little house on the edge of town.  I sounds so cliche now, but looking back, my whole life had been one big cliche.   I became known as the crazy herb lady who thought she could fix everyone ills with herbal teas and elixirs.   I had many corporate clients who swore by my remedies even as they visited their corporate doctors.  I had become quite friendly with one who was getting tired of have pills shoved down her throat when a much more pleasant regimen of the right herbal teas was fixing or relieving many of her medical issues.

     So Marya ,what made you do it?”  She asked me one day over a cup of mango chamomile tea.  “What made you decide to ditch the corporate bullshit and live your authentic life?”

I sipped at my tea and thought about her question for a long minute before answering.  “I ditched the corporate bullshit because I saw it for what it was, corporate bullshit.   I just got tired of being expected to do and say things that weren’t aligning with who I was on the inside.”

   “But how did you know that it wasn’t who you were on the inside?  How does anyone know?”  She asked looking very confused.

“It started with me just like it starts with everyone who breaks out , I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin anymore, and I needed to be.  I could finally look at things from the outside in and I didn’t like what I saw.  Much like what you are going through now, Jenna.”  I was as honest as I could be with my answer.  Everyone sees it and handles it a little differently.

    “But did you have someone you fell in love with before the realization caught up with you?  Someone “corporate” ?   A hint of sadness tinged her voice.

“I did.  We even talked about getting married.  He did the best he could do being who he thought he was.  I know he thought he knew what love was and so when he told me loved me, he meant it.  I couldn’t get him to see past the corporate bullshit. I couldn’t get him to see the things that I saw.  He broke up with me feeling angry and betrayed.  He still doesn’t realize that he is angry at the wrong person.  I didn’t betray him.  He betrayed himself and continues to do so living in a skin that is too tight.  I still feel sad when I think about it, but I did what I had to do for myself.  I didn’t want to lose any more of myself.”   I shrugged and stirred my tea.

      “I know, I keep telling the man in my life that I need to be loved for who I am on the inside.  I tell him our love of music should be bringing us together not putting a wedge between us.   He plays only “approved” music and doesn’t go any deeper than that.  According to him, he’s following the rules and being a good citizen, according to me following the rules and being a good citizen is killing him on the inside.  He just doesn’t see it.  It makes me so sad because I know he’ll leave me for the status quo.”  She sighed, clearly still conflicted about how to handle this dilemma.  She didn’t want to lose him, but she couldn’t go back to living like that again either. “I’m at a loss at how to handle this, Marya.”

       “I know to many I sound very selfish, but I say love yourself first.  Always choose you and what is best for you.  The wrong people not meant for you will leave you.  The people you are meant to be with, your tribe, will take their place one by one.  This is what’s starting to happen in my life right now.”  I tried to sound encouraging.  Breaking out of a too tight skin is not for the faint-hearted, it takes courage and a lot of potentially painful introspection.  I took her hand in mine and looked her straight in the eyes, “Remember, Jenna, there will always be those who have a problem with your choice, but it’s not about them anymore it’s about you.”

Jenna sighed and nodded.  “I know you’re right.  I can’t live like this anymore.”  So Jenna learned who she was, she played her own kind of music and lived her life according to what she knew was best for her, not like the ones who were still living in Too Tight Skins.

     I continued on my inward journey to discover more about my authentic self and what I really wanted from this life.  I was overjoyed to realize that I was in fact living it.  I discovered a new calling however, to help those who crossed my threshold how to break out of their Too Tight Skins.  There weren’t many who even realized that their skins were too tight, and that was okay.  The number of those breaking free was growing slowly but steadily.  I understood that some would never change, some would always follow the party line and that they were the ones who would tell everyone who would listen that we were the crazy ones.  They are asleep, they are mindless beings being led around by people who don’t want to see them reach their full potential.  I sympathize with them, I used to be one of them.  It only takes one to show them the error of their ways.  I broke free, I developed a new mindset, I worked to become who I was born to be.  I scare most of the ones still living in a Too Tight Skin.  Good, maybe a good scare is what they need to shake them out of their apathy towards life.  I became that one.  Will you?