Broken an Free

I have a secret.

Its been my secret for 20yrs now. We don't know each other but I ask that you refrain from passing judgment; I was basically a child myself.

I killed my love.

I can sense your confusion and perhaps a touched intrigued. Bare with me an I will entertain you with a story. Its simple really. Some might even say a classic, Brothers Grimm meets Nora Roberts. Though I myself am more of a Jane Austin fan.

Girl meets boy. Girl falls in love with boy. Boy promises the moon an stars. Girls heart is broken.

Not the Hallmark you write home about, I know.

We grew up together, running around in diapers playing in the mud. Childish crushes never last long an even as a little girl boys where gross. The years speed by as teenagers we faded apart. Both of us traveling new roads an experiencing life the only way teenagers seems to know how. Fast an hard. Different county's an school districts; a whole new group of friends.

A casual invite to celebrate a milestone birthday of a mutal friend, we are suddenly together again. I see him standing there at the bar holding a long neck laughing an its as though the world slowly, oh so slowly fades away. The only sound I hear is his laughter. My eyes trace the line of his neck to the width of his shoulders down to the flow of his arms. He looks like a man. Faintly I hear someone call my name an our eyes lock. My heart stops an just as quickly starts again. Yet the beat is different, seems stronger an louder. Or maybe thats just me.

He leaves the bar an the people he was with behind. Walking with purpose towards me. No walking is wrong. Stalking towards me. As he says my name, each individual letter sliding off his tongue to be caressed by his lips; the years apart fade away as though they never were. The laughter, the chemistry, the emotions. It was so raw an tangible. It was like everything you have read about in one of those $3 romance novels you can get at the dollar store.

A chance encounter at a birthday party one night an we were nearly inseparable for the next 15 months. Everything was happening so fast. Meeting the new friends, being welcomed back by the family. Remembering the good ol' days. Dates to the movies. Chinese food an laughter. Sitting at the park in the middle of the night counting the stars an talking about the future. Our future. A small house with a white fence an skme puppies. Every girl needs puppies.

I believe the French call it a Romance tourbillon. It was amazing and beautiful, utterly extraordinary an yet at the same time painful and turbulent, completely doomed from the beginning.

He said those 3 little words first. Wrapped in my arms buried inside me. I waited. At first I told myself I was waiting because it was too soon. Too soon to feel so completely overwhelmingly consumed by someone. Too soon to want to be someone's Someone. Now looking back I realize I was waiting because I knew we would never work. Like oil an water. Fire an gasoline. Bathtubs an toasters. Some things aren't meant to mix. When we were together; it was magical an I felt like I could touch the stars. Unstoppable; but when we where apart the doubt crept in an I could hear people talk. He knew I doubted. US as a team, a unit. He stood his ground an I thought that meant something. I thought if he had faith in US then my doubts where foolish. One day I'll learn to trust my instincts.

Then something changed.

He changed. He became more aware. More possessive. He needed me more. I felt like everyone else was pushing me away; I felt like I was drowning. I was treading water an he was always there saving me. That had to matter, to count for something. He asked me to marry him. Said he wanted me to be the mother of his children. He said it would be us forever against the world if we had to but at least we would have each other. We would have our love. This was my dream. I had never admitted to myself or anyone else this; it was a fantasy. A deep seeded fantasy that I would never obtain. Yet he was literally offering me the world. I said yes.

I was 22yrs old. Naive to say the least.

At 20weeks I found out that he was seeing another woman. When he wasn't with me, he was with her.

At 20weeks I found out that I was just a game for him. A bet between some friends.

At 20weeks I found out that it was all a lie and my doubts had been correct; I was a fool. A broken-hearted fool who thought she deserved a princess fairy-tale.

At 21weeks literally in the middle of nowhere Florida on the 22nd floor in a high rise working with a group of drug addicts, a part of me died.

All these years later, he's still with her. The woman. I can't bring myself to call her the 'other' woman. Their still together. They have childern together. That makes me the 'other' woman.

I learned a lot about myself in those 15 months. I saw the truth of who I was. Even more than that some people revealed their truth to me. I wish upon falling stars sometimes. I pray to the moon. I still tell the Sun good morning everyday. It's amazing sometimes the depths of our heart, like the ocean. Its seems to be endless at times yet all it takes is a tremor. A small tremor an the fissures open wide enough to fall in. I stopped loving him an started loving myself again. I am thankful for the experience.

I regret nothing.