The Unlikely Outlet Into my Life

It was like looking through a window.

The young woman looking back just didn't remind me of something familiar. Not right away anyhow. Somehow; I was strange to myself. I was unsure of how this had come to my mind, but it was there none the less. It was somehow surreal. It was a mystery to my thoughts. It was like I was there but unable to reach myself. I couldn't even begin to understand why this was. Not in these moments that I'm standing there and looking at myself in the mirror. Only it isn't a mirror and I'm not standing. I'm sitting at a desk and looking out the window to my right. Who am I though you might ask? Was I ready to reveal that?

Not particularly. You'll have to wait a little longer for the reveal of the mystery to me. I don't even know that I'm sure I can answer that just yet. I could give you a name right now, but what would that prove? A name is just something you are given. Something to put on a paper. It isn't you per say. There are many things that make you. I am not sure I know what most of these are to myself yet. Perhaps this is why I am so reluctant to give out who I am. Continue though. Wait a little longer and we might both become lucky in learning that about me. It is in these moments that I think of something so suddenly that it's like the shock of hitting an ice cold river you weren't expecting. Like the scream you might yelp out upon tripping over your own feet and stumbling to the ground so quickly.

What if I put into words on paper who I am? My mind has always been my salvation into realizing who I can be. I can put down on paper things about myself much easier than I say them. I have never been great with explaining who I am to someone. Perhaps it is because I've always been a little bit shy. Something that you wouldn't really think was something to see in me. I never appeared to be shy though; there are times this would have been clear. There had been moments in which I could have told you it was blinding with realization that I was not comfortable describing me. That I was not so ready to jump out there and take the bull by the horns. I'm going to far now though. Let me just put into words on paper here. Maybe you will begin to understand who I am.

Shall we begin?

Dear reader,

Hello there. I am your humble host. This is a little moment in the life of me. I could give you an array of names. Nicknames or real names. I could tell you who I am through little tidbits. We'll start with this though.

I am Rosalee. Many have called me Rose or Flower.

Why Flower you might ask? Well, let me give you a little explanation to that. I was often considered delicate to others. I was often seen as fragile. Not in physical being, but in mind. I was sweet and delicate like a flower in the way that I think. I could be described as a friend to everyone. I could be seen as someone who they could trust. Who you might ask? That would be those dear to me. My family and my friends. I tried to make friends with all that I could. Sometimes I made the wrong choices. Who didn't have mistakes here and there? Naive? Just wanting to fit in? Be liked? Perhaps it was many things that led me to choosing the wrong group of friends sometimes. It is in this that I've often been referred to as Flower.

I could give you more than this right? Where would that leave me though? It wouldn't tell you a story if I gave everything away all at once. I want to have you returning for more don't I? You'd walk away perhaps and that would be it if I gave you everything now. So I will leave it here in hopes that you return. Leave me a returning response? Let me know that you want to hear more and I will let you into another part of who I am. Go ahead and provide me likes. Even one will let me know that there's someone out there watching and listening. Even if it isn't with words of mouth, but words of thought.

Sincerely,

Flower (Rosalee)

Only a taste to give them. The potential reader or readers. Would I hear from someone or several others? I didn't know. That was a chance and risk that I took. Putting myself out there to have others learn of who I am. Someone might think of this as quite dangerous.

This wasn't exactly paper though. No, this was online. This was me being anonymous through a reading outlet. A site in which I could be whoever I wanted to in order to write. Writing was a passion for me after all. What I could not give someone in words; I could give them here. Now I had only to wait and watch. Perhaps sleep and see in the morning if my story continues on. Would it end there? Something told me no. There is something there that had me hanging onto hope like a child hangs onto their favorite stuffed animal. It had me ready to sleep and awaken to see what a new day would hold. Another chapter into my life. This was a strength I'd never realized I could hold onto. This was my sanctuary. My thoughts were my haven. I was excited to see what could come of it next.

If there was a next...I couldn't think like that though could I? If I stop believing in me, then will others? The answer there was clear enough. No. They wouldn't believe in me any more than I believed in myself. If I quit here then, where would my readers be left? In the dark and without interest. Walking away. I didn't want that at all. I didn't want them to walk away. I didn't want them to stop listening. The truth here was that I wanted them as much as I needed them to be there. Watching; and listening. I needed them to be wanting more....waiting for more. This was as much for my benefit as it was for them as the readers. My readers.