Family Reunion

Family Reunion

By: Linda Brodsky

     You have got to call the brat and make it clear that nobody in this family, nobody, skips the annual family reunion. 

    Sorry but this urgent.

    Fine.  No. Scratch that. I’m not fine.  I was fine. I was having a good day until a few minutes ago when I got the shock of my life.

    I am not being melodramatic. You didn’t hear those words spoken aloud.

    No, I did not misunderstand. 

    I know what I heard; that’s why I called. You have to fix this mess.

    Because I already tried talking sense into the little snot, and all I heard, repeatedly, was, ‘I’m not going to the reunion this year because I don’t want to.’ 

    Yes, those were the exact words sent out into the stratosphere. 

    I know.  Who above the age of five or below the age of sixty wants to attend a family reunion?

    I’m surprised the little turncoat hasn’t been struck by lightning or turned to stone.

    No, of course I don’t believe the universe actually works that way, but you and I are going to wish we could turn to stone when the family gets wind of this.   

    Then you’re not seeing the big picture here.  It’s not just the endless barrage of phone calls and texts a move like this will launch. Keep in mind, this entire family has access to social media.  It’s like knowing battalion of black widow spiders is out there waiting to pounce. And they will pounce. This is not a

simple act of mischief, it’s full blown mutiny.

    No, I’m not saying it will be our fault, I’m saying it won’t take long for the finger of blame to swing in our direction.

    Because someone in the family will find out that we knew about this and did nothing to stop it.

    We will too be blamed.

    Because you’re the oldest and I’m the middle child. It’s our duty to keep the baby in line.

    I know we’re not kids anymore. 

    Agreed. We have set excellent life examples, which will be rendered meaningless once word gets out that the kid is breaking bad.   You know how this family operates. We could be a pair of Nobel Peace Prize winners and it wouldn’t matter. Nothing we have accomplished, to this point in our lives, will count for a hill of beans if we let junior get away with this.   

   Remember what happened the last time someone suggested change.

    No, I’m not bringing up the Thanksgiving dinner incident to be hurtful. 

    No, suggesting adding celery to the stuffing was not terrible.  Some people do add celery to their stuffing. 

    Yes, it was unfair of the family to stop talking to you until you apologized.

    I thought you were beyond brave, sitting right there at the Thanksgiving table and suggesting that celery is not a controversial vegetable.

    It is nearly tasteless.

    I agree. It was unreasonable to react so negatively to such an innocent comment but when has this family been reasonable in the face of change.    Is it reasonable to hold us accountable for a decision made by our wayward sibling?  No, it is not. Which is why I am saying you need to call that little stink bomb and get this sorted out.

    Because, as I already told you, I tried. The first thing I said was, “Everyone attends the reunion every year.”  Followed by, “No one is excused for any reason. Not ever. “

    Yes, I pointed out that Aunt Milly still brings Uncle Art’s ashes, along with her lime gelatin and pickle salad every year.

    Yes, I did follow up with the, ‘Traditions are sacred in this family’ line. 

    Yes, I did bring up the year you broke your foot the day before the reunion. 

    I used the sympathy card out of desperation. 

    Honestly, I don’t know how you managed it. Your toes looked like overstuffed sausages smashed into that cast and those pain meds made you sound like you had your mouth stuffed with marbles. 

    No. I’m not saying it was funny, I’m saying you were a trooper to show up looking and feeling that way.

    No, I don’t imagine it was a good year for you.

    I didn’t know, until after the fire fighters left, that Aunt Milly made you use your cast as a doorstop during the evacuation.   Who knew one pot of scorched lentil soup could create so much black smoke?  

    No.  The sympathy card didn’t work. 

    Nope, guilt didn’t work.

    Shame didn’t work either.

    Yes, I did offer a bribe.

    I know. I know but it used to work. I figured it was worth a try.

    The reunion is three weeks away. Three weeks! Who backs out on a family event with only a three-week notice? They are going flip out if you don’t get this sorted out.  Do you want to spend the rest of your life hearing about how you let everyone down?

    Yes, you.

    You’re the oldest. 

    I’m only second in command.

    Fine. 

    No. I’m not mad.

    Don’t call then if you don’t want to.

    No, I understand. You’re tired of being dragged into these family squabbles. You’re not the peace police. I get it.

    No worries.

    When the calls start coming in, at least I’ll be able to say that I tried.

    Well, it’s true.

    What? What did you say?

    No. You cannot be serious.

    You are not going to beg off too.

    It’s tradition. It’s a family tradition.  You two are not going to leave me to face the family on my own. 

    I will hog tie you and drag you both there.

No, I am not kidding.

   What do you mean, settle down?  

    Yes, I’m hyperventilating.

    I’m sure my face is flushed.

    You’re talking about breaking family trad--

    What’s so funny?

    What are you laughing about?

    Is the brat there with you?

    Stop laughing. I can’t understand what you’re saying.

    April Fools Day?

    It’s not April.

    Not April Fools Day? 

    Caper Fools Day? What is a Caper Fools Day?

    I know caper means escapade or adventure.

    Really?

    A new family tradition. 

   We’re calling it Caper Fools Day.

    No, I’m not mad that they put you up to this.  

    Sure, who doesn’t love a new family tradition?

    You got me. 

    Yep. You got me good.

    I’m going to hang up and go lie down now.

    No. I’m fine. 

    Really.

    Yes, it will be such fun to hear you all talking about this little prank at the reunion.

    Everyone will laugh and laugh.

    Okay, see you both there.

    No. I can’t wait either.