Spring Confessions

Two feet. Left then right, perfectly striding one after the other, down this frozen but thawing path. I could feel the cold and hot contrast of the chilly breeze and the slight heat coming from the semi-hidden sun. I’m too focused on the two different sensations to pay attention to the words coming out of the other shuffling body close to mine. The blurry words belonging to my best friend Elijah who I’ve known literally my whole life to this day.

 I faintly hear him talking about how he reunited with some girl from our childhood and immediately shove down an oncoming feeling that seems like jealousy but that just can't be.  He says something about how they reunited at our other good friends diner. His name is Connor. My eyebrows knit together and suddenly my eyes widen as my perfect stepping rhythm skips a beat or two. I stumble and throw my hands out to catch myself. If I do fall, I'm taking Elijah with me. 

His short light laugh cuts through my panicked thought as his arms circle my waist in a supporting manner.  I steady myself and get my rhythm back into my step as we continue our little adventure to the convenience store on the corner of the street. I give all my attention to the stunning boy next to me as I rewind his little rant in my head to recap the very sad one-sided conversation to think of a delayed response. I turn towards him as I slowly gather the right words. 

“So, This girl. Is she the first love from our childhood you're literally always talking about?” He's mentioned a secret love interest from our younger years a couple times. I just had hoped it was me, but that's crazy. I can’t think like that. He looks at me with an unreadable expression.

“No, absolutely not. She's not even my type, nowhere near it and even if she was, she fell in love with Connor the second they met. Again. She's nowhere near as handsome as my secret love.” 

Handsome?

He turns his eyes towards the ground and gives a soft private smile. One that only me and maybe Connor have ever seen.  How I loved that smile. 

“Oh.” Was that really all I could think of saying. I mentally slap myself as I pick up my pace to match his. For a guy I have fairly long legs but Elijah acts like he's running some race every time we take one of these walks. I focus back on the conversation, thinking of what to say next. 

I’d always hoped that Elijah was like me, born with his heart on the outside. In a sense that's what it was. Just my heart unprotected and vulnerable.  I had just lost hope throughout the years and shaken off those ridiculous feelings and focused on keeping our friendship. I couldn’t lose what we had over silly feelings. 

“What even is your type?” I give a nervous chuckle, waiting on what he’s going to say next. He just might give me the answer I want. 

He lifts his eyes to mine into a gentle stare with a look as if he was trying to mentally send me a message. I tilt my head to the side as the sun shoves some rays of light at my face. Elijah sucks in a labored breathe and forces himself to look down as if the way his stride matched mine was just so fascinating. Knowing he just is going to ignore me after I asked him a question like that, I take a second look because I now realize that out of all the times we’ve ever walked together I think this is the only time our steps were in total sync. As if we were on the same page for once. I give my own soft private smile and I see Elijah staring at me from the corner of my eye. Probably thinking what I had thought earlier about his small smile he gave.

My eyes drift away from his and scan the area around us. I spot a light splash of color and squint to get a better look. Once I realized that was never going to help me see whatever it is better. I wrap my hand around his arm and gently drag the confused boy towards the odd source of color that looks so out of place surrounded by the bright pure snow.  As we approached the texture seemed to pop more than ever as a satchel shaped bag came into view. I slowed down and released Elijah's arm. I study the bag before I reach towards it, crouching to get onto its level. I graze the bag with the back of my hand and a shiver runs through my body as my skin makes contact with the frozen piece of cloth.  

Digging the bag out of the snowbank wasn’t so hard but my hands were numb after.  I lift the bag up and Elijah takes it from my shaking hands. He inspects the bag as I put my hands to my mouth blowing air towards my hands with little to no help to warm them up.  Elijah gingerly unravels the bag and squeaks a sound of surprise as something comes tumbling out of the bag onto the floor. He gave me a silencing look as to not refer to the very unmanly sound that escaped from the back of his throat. 

I let out a light chuckle as I approached him and the mystery items. I bend down to pick up what I now see is a book and twirl it in my hands a couple times. I open it up and feel Elijah coming behind me to peer over my shoulders to see just what information this book held. 

Property of:

Rory Savan

I shift my body around to face Elijah, wanting to see what we should do next. My face lights up as heat pools in my cheeks making my face a violent pink, I came face-to face with Elijah. His face so close to mine all I had to do was lean forward a couple centimeters.

 I have a faint idea in my head that just might ruin everything but I might as well give it a try. I flip the page over to see tiny careful doodles and smile to myself, thinking over what I'm about to do. 

“First entry. June 26th, 1946.” My eyebrows lift as I read those daring numbers. This book was ancient. How did it get out here in this snow? Why now? I shake my head lightly and clearing my throat as I continue with my plan.

“Today I got to admire the beauty of a boy that has been in my heart since before I could even remember.” Swiftly I form a certain speech in my head, a little revised since I last thought of it. I had planned many ways I could tell Elijah just what was racing through my head, but this seemed perfect. 

“He looked so perfect but charmingly flawed as we strode next to each other as we usually do. This time was definitely different. I had begun to lose hope since he never really laid his eyes on me the way mine landed on him.” I take a quick glance up to meet his eyes as something light and giddy flashes in his honey colored orbs. I pretend to try to find the place in the journal entry even though the book actually held words referring to a lazy cat that stole the young girl's water cup. 

“Walking around, stealing hearts and all I could do was watch silently as he threw smiles and shook hands. He didn't know just how much he meant to me and that hurt, but I always held out hope that maybe one day,  he would look at himself with the same amount of love I have in my eyes everytime I look at him. He deserved the world and I decided that he should be the happiest person to ever exist. Even if the person that granted him that happiness wasnt me. “ I look at him with intent to send him some kind of message about how these were actually the words I have been holding in for many years during our friendship. 

“I always wanted him to know that no matter what he does or who he chooses…” I step towards him and decrease the space between us that was already non-existent. 

“I’d always love him.”