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Creative Nonfiction Contemporary Funny

Damn, another one had quit on her yesterday! Su-10 (a funny and attractive brunette who worked in the financial industry and who was coincidentally the subject of an ongoing debate among the guys at The Court Street Bar and Restaurant about whether she was really part Asian or only an impression based solely on her use of eyeliner) had had it with interns! They were mostly over-privileged sons and daughters of the upper echelon’s clients at her corporation and in her strongly opinionated point of view were absolutely worthless. Less than worthless; they were a drag on her normally whirlwind workday activities who needed nannies more than mentors as they irritated her to no end. Interns—they were the bane of her inner office existence.


The only thing she hated as much is when people would sit in front of her big blue blanket during those precious moments of exhilarating freedom when she was able to spend some time relaxing down the shore at her beloved New Jersey beach. You know, the one Jeff Bezos saw while floating far above planet Earth during his maiden spaceflight and made him exclaim, “Whoa, that’s one helluva big blue blanket!” Well, maybe there were other things that could be added to that list, but she was too busy preparing for the arrival of a new intern who was her burden to bear that morning. And don’t get her started on that son of a bitch seagull who stole her last slice of white clam pizza the last time she had a beach day and while she was looking down at her cell phone. Fucking interns!


One such prior intern was a 21-year-old whose dad was a friend/business partner of one of her bosses. He showed up 2 hours late for his first interview because he was called into a "lunch meeting" and didn't have time to phone her. He brought along two Smartphones and his laptop too on the first workday after the initial interview (oh, and he was 10 minutes late!) and then slouched all day in his chair with an exaggerated bored expression on his smug little face. To add insult to injury he had his Daddy call when she emailed the useless little piece of shit to call the office. Wow, what a fucking keeper that one was!


And apparently, interns need explicit instructions on answering the phone:


#1 Please, answer the phone EVERY time it rings—on your own—without anyone prompting you.


#2 Get the person's CORRECT name and ask them to SPELL it if you have to. Who wants to read "Brian" called when it's "Ryan" who called?


#3 TELL the person that the call was directed to they have a phone call. Don't tell HER to tell them, that's why THEY are answering the phones. Parents, if you have nothing to do today then teach your kids how to answer a fucking phone that isn't their cell. If she has to do it when they become her intern, it just won't be pretty. PLEASE teach your children how to make phone calls. Apparently, this is a damn skill they are lacking. One of her interns was asked to make a cold call, and here's how that went:


(ring…) Hello

Intern: Do you have any non-qualified accounts?

Called: (click)

Intern: confused


Su-10 wondered if this genius ever learned later in life how to make a business call. And they never understand that when more than one phone rings, it's disruptive, and their mentors are not supposed to get off their business calls to answer them for you. Here’s a conversation she had with one of the company’s brokers:


Her: I'll have Ms. X teach the intern how we want our phones answered

Broker: I'd rather not have him answer the phones.

Her: Why?

Broker: I don't think he could handle it

Her: EXCUSE ME? YOU DONT THINK HE CAN SAY, "John Smith's office?"

Broker: Well, do you think he can even handle taking a message?

Her: Are you fucking KIDDING me? He's over 18 and can't take a message? Listen, this is how people learn; they are uncomfortable, they try, they fuck up, they're embarrassed, they keep doing it and THAT'S HOW PEOPLE LEARN!

Broker: You're right, it’s just that…


Back to the kid who used to start the conversation, "Hello, do you have any non-qualified plans?" Hey, how about starting with, "Hello, my name is ___. I work for ___ and we’d like to discuss___,"? Su-10 had to teach that 23-year-old how to make a phone call. There seems to be some kind of a millennial trend where these little bastards don't know how to introduce themselves and mention why they're calling.


Listening to an intern who was asked to order the boss breakfast was purely painful. Before the call he wanted to know, “Can you give me a menu that’s easy to order from (hmmm—well, they all do have a list of foods—and a phone number)? Oh, and your boss said he wanted me to order it ‘WITH toast, not ON toast!’ What does he mean by that?” Listening in on that conversation, and after he’d hung up the phone, she considered it her duty to tell him, “You need to give them our address. They don't know where you're calling from!” The same sad waste of flesh who didn't know how to make a call or alphabetize files for storage (which almost stroked him out!) was delayed again by NJ Transit. She was told to be gentle with the sweaty mess when he gets in. What did they think Su-10 was doing, taking him to lose his virginity? Then there’s the one who asked to be shown how to get to the 9th Floor on the office elevator. Nope, not going to fucking do that, kiddo…


The personnel director in her office said there are 50+ interns and the 8 that give them the most problems were all sons of brokers. The director went over to one and said, "If management emails you, YOU RESPOND WITHIN 30 SECONDS. GOT THAT?!" The loser then ran into his daddy's office looking like he was about to cry and/or crap his pants. This goes a long way toward understanding why when a cognitively challenged child is spawned by crazy parents these sorry-ass offspring are what they are. The spouses of upper management were no better than the feeble-minded children they foisted upon her.


What POSSIBLE reason can there be for a wife to call her husband at the office EIGHT+ times a day? Can't you call on his cell? It really looks pathetic when you call saying you’re lost on Long Island. Come on, you basic bitch, you've only lived there your entire life!!! Maybe you should look at a map or learn how to use your GPS. And phone numbers —look them up —for yourself. Seriously, if they're that bored they really need to get a job, or maybe do some volunteer work or just do SOMETHING with their fucking meaningless existence!


Su-10 fucking hated every fucking intern she’d ever had under her fucking mentorship. And no fucking exceptions, no fucking time, no fucking way. If it was up to her, she’d give them all fucking BB guns, and let them all fucking shoot their fucking eyeballs out!






August 28, 2021 14:49

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13 comments

Stevie B
15:14 Aug 28, 2021

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I testify that the tidbits thrown into this tale above about interns chronicles actual comments I've seen posted by "Friends" on Facebook and/or were heard during actual conversations with actual people possessing varying degrees of sobriety over an unmeasured number of many evenings at The (actual!!!) Court Street Bar & Restaurant. While I may have embellished a bit in order to enhance the overall entertainment value of this piece, great care was taken in preserving the truth and the integrity of what I endeavored to chronicl...

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Jude S. Walko
03:37 Aug 31, 2021

This is simultaneously the funniest and saddest post I've probably seen on here. What's more it's painfully relatable. In the film business we have PAs (Production Assistants) who are basically paid interns. They do the entry level tasks like answering the phone and taking lunch orders. Unfortunately in the words of one of my old mentors "They could fuck up soup!" The last paragraph is the FUCKING best!

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Stevie B
03:44 Aug 31, 2021

Jude, I was going to have my intern respond to your comment but apparently they thought Monday was Sunday, thus failed to show up today. Oh well, since we can't dock their pay guess there's not much else we can do. But so glad you got the intended humor of this tale and thanks for your kind words.

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Dhwani Jain
14:01 Sep 16, 2021

Hello Stevie! How have you been?

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Stevie B
15:40 Sep 16, 2021

Very well, and thanks for asking. How are you?

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Dhwani Jain
07:01 Sep 17, 2021

I am good too!

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Aman Fatima
10:05 Sep 10, 2021

I can't really relate to this but I do understand there are people like these interns out there and having an intern that this would be sad. Anyway loved the story and it was funny but I felt really sad for Su-10. It was enjoyable.

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Stevie B
11:17 Sep 10, 2021

Thank you for reading and enjoying it, Aman, and also for commenting.

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Aman Fatima
12:04 Sep 10, 2021

Welcome :)

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T M
23:01 Sep 06, 2021

Definitely written by someone who's had too much experience in an office. :)

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Stevie B
00:27 Sep 07, 2021

Or someone who listens closely to those who work in offices after they've had a drink or two...

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21:33 Sep 05, 2021

The frustration was felt! It fed the humor very well and made it an enjoyable read:-) Well done

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Stevie B
11:45 Sep 07, 2021

Thank you, Alboricah!

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