Sadder Girls

Trigger warning: self-harm

You hear your grandparents talking about their childhood. If your grandparents aren't rotting six feet in the ground, like mine. Whatever. The last time I had fun was two years ago, when we went to Maine for my thirteenth birthday. I was with my best friend, Blue. I don't know why her parents named her Blue. But, they did, so she had to live with it.

We were doing the Naruto run down the beach, screaming "Walgreens" at the top of our lungs. Just the other night we had borrowed a lipstick and a blush palette from there. The thing about stealing? When you think about it, it seems wrong, but once you're in the act? You pretty much have to be a pathological liar to do it. You have to be so used to having false statements come out of your mouth all the damn time that you don't even know they're false until after they've been said. That's how you get away with a lie. That's how you get away with anything. Just blinking wrong can give you away.

When we were running down that beach, there was an old couple walking by.

"Things have changed since we were kids," said the woman. Not kidding you, she actually said that.

I can't say she was wrong. I don't know if kids in the fifties cut their wrists, and screamed every time they look in the mirror. There are smaller clothes, bigger chests, and sadder girls.

***

I remember when I first cut my wrist. I had tried it before then, but I couldn't make a mark. Maybe I wasn't angry enough, or maybe I was too chicken. That night I did it. I was watching Naruto on a third-party site with sex game ads because my mom wouldn't let me download Netflix on my IPad. I was also way too self-conscious to watch it downstairs. I felt like a fifteen-year-old girl was much too old to be watching a show where most of the dialogue is "shadow clone Jutsu!" or "(insert random Japanese here) Jutsu!" The show did find a way to pull at your heartstrings, though. I can count all the times I cried.

1. When Kakashi was talking to Inari about Naruto.
2. When Haku and Zabuza died.
3. When Sakura cut her hair.
4. When Naruto told Sasuke the same words Sasuke had told him: "You hurt, scaredy-cat?"

I was watching Naruto, and the screen froze. What could you expect from a site like that? I don't know why I was so mad. I banged my IPad against my head and scratched my short, sharp nails down my face.

"Ugh," I said, changing tabs. I searched up "sad naruto aesthetic", hoping to add some pictures to my camera roll. I scrolled through, and found a picture of Naruto crying. Under it read "Naruto's done". Some fanfiction. I read some of it. All it was was depression, suicide, and self harm. I started crying, not even knowing why. And I saw the boxcutter on my messy dresser. I was crying as hard as Naruto in that picture, when I extended the blade and pressed it to my snowy white skin, right over a blue vein. No. It hurt too much there. I moved farther down my wrist and pressed. I could hear Naruto telling me not to do it, it wasn't worth it.

Three.

"Just stop and ask yourself why you're doing it."

Two.

"How long are you going to stay here?"

"As long as you need me."

"Too bad," I said with an angry smile. "I don't need an imaginary friend."

One.

No blood flew out of my arm. Just a dark pink cut that if you squeezed, a bit of red would show.

"It wasn't that bad," I said. "I'm being sent to boarding school. I leave in the morning. So I suggest you take your stupid self back to wherever you came from!"

"It's my job to help," he said.

I don't need you, so do me a favor and go kill yourself!"

He looked a bit hurt for once.

"Well, I can't do that. I'm not really alive. I'll be back when you need me."

"Go fall in a sewer."

"Can't. Already done it."

"You're that stupid?"

"There was no grate over it."

"Then stab yourself."

"Episode... eight, I believe. Did that, too. See you tomorrow."

Naruto disappeared with a swipe of his fingers.

I didn't mention boarding school. I didn't want to go. Maybe my imaginary friend wouldn't be so bad. After all, I didn't have any friends anymore.

The next morning, I woke up to Naruto bouncing off my walls. Literally.

"Don't you have something better to do with your life?" I said annoyedly.

"Oh no! My ramen!"

I rolled my eyes. "Don't have any."

"Whaaaat?"

"Oh no! I guess you'll just have to starve. It's your fault. You decided I 'needed you' or some crap."

"Oh, you do, you'll see."

"Don't you have some homework to do or something?"

"What? No, I left the academy years ago. But I should get going, I have to run to the boarding school, and it's two hours by car."

"Then go," I said.

Hopefully, by some miracle, he'd run into a hungry bear.

I'd packed the last of my bags the day before. Now I just had to take them downstairs with me. I left my room without bothering to turn off the lights, and went downstairs.

"Here's breakfast," said my manipulative, narcissistic, bipolar mother, handing me a plate of cold, gray eggs.

"Funny, not that hungry."

"You haven't eaten since last night, yes you are."

"I never knew you could read my hunger levels," I said.

"If you were full, you wouldn't disrespect me like this."

"I'll be gone for two weeks, probably more, because you'll probably forget I exist. Now is the best time."

"Shut up and get in the car," she said.

"Who would I talk to? You? Ha."

She shoved me in the backseat and took off. On the way, I could swear I saw some flashes of orange. Maybe it was Naruto. I almost hoped so, I could really use some company, even if no one else saw it. Everyone at school was already hating on my Instagram, so much I had deleted it.

"Is it bad to have an imaginary friend as a teenager" I searched into Google.

"At that age, teens need to be cultivating real relationships, and imaginary friends can distract from and prevent that. So yes, it's bad, because teenhood is really when kids need to be communicating with adults and other kids their age."

I felt like a retard.

Naruto, you're not helping.

"I was going to eat that!" I yelled at the girl who had dumped my lunch on my lap.

"What are you going to do about it, cry?"

"No," I said. "I'm going to cut the shit out of you!" I yelled, flipping my pocket knife out of my jacket.

A teacher pulled me off her.

"That's quite enough! SRA! Now!"

What did you do wrong?

If you're asking about if I tried to assault a girl, I did. But you can send her to SRA too for dumping my lunch on my lap.

Why do you feel guilty about what you did?

I don't.

Have you apologized for your actions?

No, and I'm not going to.

How are you feeling right now?

Angry, mistreated, and depressed. Like total shit, thank you very much.

Write an apology note to the person/s that were negatively affected by your actions.

No.

Two hours later, I got a note in my dorm saying I had to go back to SRA in the morning and fill out a form because of the form I filled out.

Everything was too much. Tears flowed down my face, my chest heaving.

"Hey, Naruto? If it's not too late... I really need you."

"Here I am. It's never too late."

"Thank you," I said through my tears.

"I saw what happened today. I put an anonymous tip in one of the suggestion boxes."

"You did?"

He nodded. "What you wrote on the SRA form... pretty cool."

"Would you help me get out of here?"

"Not if you'd get hurt. Imaginary friends can only do what's best for you. You're free to do what you want, but if it's harmful to you we can't help you to do it."

"I get it. Well... for tonight will you just sit with me?"

"Of course. And tomorrow, too, if you want."

"I want," I said.

I cracked a smile for the first time in two years.

"is it bad to have an imaginary friend as a teenager" I searched again, and went to a different article.

The answer?

No.

I guess all that running had made him tired. He had already fallen asleep. Imaginary friends were light as a feather. I picked him up and put him in the other bed next to me, and got in my own.

"Thanks for sticking with me," I said.

I turned off my light and closed my eyes.

Tomorrow would be just as bad. That I knew from experience. But now I had someone to make it just a bit better.