Manmade Eclipse

The director was a perfectionist and everyone was always pissed at him. He’d do each take twenty thirty times over and wouldn’t let the people leave until they got it right. It had to be perfect. Now it was his best film yet and they were on the very last night. It took place in the desert at night on the roof of a car. There was a boy and a girl.

“Kiss more slowly,” he said. Well they did it again. “That’s too slow. Faster.” Again. “Let me see it with the brights on.” Again. “Move the car. I want the moon in the background.”

“Holy shit,” said the actors, “It’s three in the morning. We have to get SOME sleep.”

“You know how many nights I was up writing this thing? You slept last night. You can deal.”

Well he had them that night until around five and then they blew him off and went back to their trailers. None of the takes were good. They said their lines differently each time and played it out differently or the lighting was off or the camera guy fucked up or whatever. Always something. Then there were five days until the thing was due. That is, all of the filming had to get done. They still couldn’t get this one scene because it had to be filmed at night and the actors needed to sleep.

“Tonight we’re staying up until we get it. It’s almost due. I don’t want to be stressed out.”

“You’re stressing yourself out. There’s nothing wrong with a little imperfection.”

“Yes there is.”

“How about this,” said the girl, “Why don’t we film it during the day?”

“NO!” They all looked at him like he was crazy. “Are you fucking kidding?! Scenes like this happen at night. Everyone knows that.”

“Sleep happens at night. That’s what everyone knows.” The boy and girl and the crew laughed.

“I worked my ass off writing this shit and I’m not compromising because you guys need your sleep. I haven’t slept in three days and I’m fine.”

“You’re not the one on camera though are you.”

“What difference does that make?”

“Look at you. You look like shit. Like you haven’t slept ever.”

“A night without sleep wouldn’t kill you. Just get it right.”

“Why don’t we do it during the day and they can do one of those editing tricks to make it look like it’s night?”

“Bill can you do that?” asked the director.

“It’ll look like shit,” said Bill.

“Either the scene looks like shit or we look like shit.”

“Go to bed for now,” said the director, “I’ll think of something.” Everyone went into their trailers and the director sat out thinking of what to do. Well they couldn’t move the scene inside because they needed the sky and the stars and all that and the breeze. Perhaps they could relocate to Alaska or one of those places where it was night all the time? Then he had an idea. Yes!

Google search eclipse. When the moon covers the sun completely making it appear to be night during the day. Next one in two years thirty three days and eleven hours.

Fuck thought the director.

Then he had another idea. He went to the textile people who made the costumes and bedsheets and curtains and all that. They made the curtains for the stage productions which were especially dark and he thought he could get them to make one to cover the sun.

“WHAT?!” they said.

“Yes,” said the director. “There’s a scene we need to film at night and they won’t stay up and can’t get it right. The thing’s due in five days and I need it to be dark. Here’s a million dollars. I’m thinking we can use some of the planes to fly up there and spread it out.”

“You know the sun’s a million miles in diameter, right?”

“Yes but the way the eclipse works is the moon doesn’t cover the sun. It only appears to cover it since the moon is closer and the sun is farther. In fact for the set we only need a little area to be dark, so the sheet can actually be smaller than the moon.”

“THAT’S STILL TWO THOUSAND MILES!”

“Make it a quarter. Five hundred. You can make a five hundred mile sheet, no?” They all looked at each other. “Fifty million dollars,” said the director, “Make it happen.”

So the people got to work with the sewing machines and everything else they used. The best way to do it was to make a bunch of smaller sheets and sew them together. Even then the smaller sheets were each a MILE long and they paid to use the fabric factories around the set. The director paid them. And soon there was a massive sheet folded up in the center of the street on the set with ropes sticking out that were tied to each corner.

“What’s this?” said the actors.

“You’ll see.” Then he went to the plane people. They had these little jets they would use and tied up the ropes to each of them. “You’re going to fly up close together. If you spread out too early it’ll catch wind and be even heavier.”

“It’s going to be heavy as hell anyway. I really don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Nobody thinks any of my ideas are good. That’s how I know they’re good. You just don’t think they’re possible.”

“They’re not.”

“Get in the planes please.”

The planes took off. There were four stunt doubles trained to do things like this. It would be the highest they ever flew and for the longest time and once they spread out they would fly in circles. The director had given them food and water.

He called everyone out. It was early in the morning and the actors were cranky but they stood in the desert set in the sun as the director told them to watch it.

“I thought you only wanted to film it night?”

“Watch.”

They stared up at the sun. There was a little black square that got bigger and bigger as it got darker and the dark got bigger and bigger and soon it was night, essentially.

“Ta-da! Everyone change. We’re filming now.”

“What the fuck did you do?!”

“Solar eclipse. When the moon covers the sun completely making it appear to be night during the day. Next one in two years thirty one days.” They kept staring at it. “GO CHANGE! Those guys can’t fly around forever.”

“WHO?!?!”

“Stunt double pilots.” It was too dark to see the planes but the actors changed and came back out and got on the car. They shot the scene. Really it was day but dark and the director hoped they wouldn’t notice when it became really night. They still hadn’t gotten it right. A little too bright.

The director took out his phone. “YO! I’m gonna call all four of you. I need you to move to the right a little. In exactly five minutes fly slowly to the right until the guy in front of you stops. I don’t want the thing to rip.” He called the other three and told them it and five minutes later everyone watched as the square moved a hair to the left. “You moved the wrong way. Other way.”

“Can’t you just move the fucking car?!?! It’s much easier to move a car than four planes you know!”

“I like the place it’s in now. Five minutes. I’m calling all of you.” The actress got up from the car. He yelled at her to get back and she said she had to pee and he said fine. Then the man actor figured he might as well pee so he got up and neither came back for twenty minutes. The director’s phone rang. It was a pilot.

“I have to take a shit.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“What do you want ME to do? You’re the one who set this thing up.”

“What do you usually do?”

“Well I usually don’t fly for a day straight let alone three so usually I go before.”

“You didn’t go before?”

“Two days ago. Yes.”

“I don’t know what you want me to do.”

The director hung up the phone and went into the trailer. Both of them were sleeping. “What are you doing? Let’s go!”

“It’s nighttime. We’re not stupid.”

The director checked his watch. Eight hours he said. Be back on set.

In the morning they were there but it was day. The square was gone. The director called the pilots. “Where’d you guys go?” What happened was they realized they wouldn’t know

how to get back because jets weren’t meant to go that high and tried to find their way back and were somewhere else now. It was a couple hours before they spread out again as the director had told them. He offered them each a lot of money. They still hadn’t gotten the shot right.

“Five more takes,” said the actors. “This is ridiculous.”

“You’re ridiculous. I don’t see why you can’t do it right.”

They did the five more takes and then the square was gone again and it was bright. The actors went off into their trailers and there was nothing more he could do. The movie came out. He wasn’t happy with the shot but everyone else was and you really couldn’t tell if it was one of the ones taken under the eclipse or actually at night. And he was happy with that.