I'll be gone at Midnight

There was some drinking, of course, but Carlotta wasn’t interested in the drinks.  If she had been a younger, prettier woman she might have found the prospect of free drinks more likable.  But she was mostly here for the books, wasn’t she? Her long-time friend had invited Carlotta to her work party.  It was just like Carlotta to have a librarian as a friend. It was also just like Carlotta to have gotten banned from the very library where Zeala worked.  It had been an accident. Well, mostly. But apparently, the ban didn’t apply to parties. That or Zeala hadn’t told her boss who Carlotta was.  

The library felt strange, full of drunk, loud, and excited people.  The year was ending and with it the whole century. This wasn’t an everyday sort of thing.  It wasn’t an ordinary thing to see a library come alive with lights and music blasting from every possible speaker.  It wasn’t an ordinary thing to be stuck in a library in the rain without an umbrella and wearing the most expensive thing your mother has ever bought you.  But if one was possible, so was the other. Carlotta had conveniently parked in the farthest stall from the doors, hoping that she could avoid the drunken crashes that were sure to happen.  How was she supposed to know that twenty minutes into the party she would feel sick? How was she supposed to know that thirty minutes into the party she would be so bored that her eyes would think the fork across the table from her was attractive?  An hour and thirteen minutes into the party she was reading in the furthest possible location from the screaming and dancing crowd. And two hours after she’d arrived at the library she felt eyes on her.  

Carlotta had situated herself so that she could see but not be seen unless someone was determined.  And had a good eye. So when she looked up to see someone looking back at her through the bookshelves, she knew he was either very sober or very, very, not sober.  His walk wasn’t helpful in determining. Not in the slightest. He walked with that arrogant air that always got the girls in high school. The kind of air that only the king of the world himself should be allowed to deploy.  But no, it was used by all the idiots. And it was very attractive, despite all that it warned.

Carlotta looked back down at her book.  He didn’t see her, simple as that. There was no way he could see her.  And even if he did, there was no way he would seek her audience.  

“What’s a pretty girl like you doing, sitting all by yourself?” 

Carlotta did not look up.  

“Do all the lovely ladies read out of their ears now?” 

He laughed at what he must have thought was a hilarious joke.  Definitely drunk. Incredibly drunk.  

The man left her alone.  Carlotta thought that would be the end of it.  If that was all the human interaction that she would have to do tonight, she would be okay.  Maybe it was worth it. The book she had found was good. She certainly didn’t have the money to buy it, she would have to read fast.  

 The man came back a couple minutes later, his own choice of literature in his hands.  Carlotta still didn’t look up, only noticed his height and shoes with her peripheral vision.  It was much harder to focus on her books with him right next to her. She was paranoid at times that he would be looking over her, reading and or judging.  Just breathe, she told herself, just breathe. People usually went away if they were ignored for long enough. But it got harder and harder to reassure herself as time went on.  If he was going to go away at some point, he sure didn’t show it. Maybe he had fallen asleep. Or maybe he was looking at her, staring at her strange complexion and odd assortment of clothes.  Carlotta closed her eyes and waited for the next time he turned his page so she could rightly scold him. The moment came but it felt like there was something stuck in her throat. She waited a while longer, listening intently.  Her book must have felt neglected. The words on the page didn’t matter anymore. Just the anticipation. And then the page turned. Carlotta slammed her book shut and looked at the man.  

The millisecond between when she looked at him and he looked at her seemed to freeze.  It was as if time had slowed down, even though her heart rate increased dramatically. The man was stunning.  His hair was black with grey streaks in it, and his eyes were cold and blue as the sky. Carlotta looked frantically from one eye to the other, feeling her breathing getting shaky.  The frozen moment ended and Carlotta stood up quickly. She searched her mind for something to say, but all the signals came up blank. There was no normal response but to walk away.  She started walking to the bathroom, the book still in hand. He wouldn’t follow her in there. He better not follow her there.  

“Wait!”  The man said behind her.  A couple footfalls and then his hand was on her back.  So warm and steady. It felt just like Alex’s. If she closed her eyes and let her mind wander, it was as if she stood in the doorway of his house.  That time it had been raining as well. Exactly three years ago. She was going to leave but Alex convinced her to stay. And then when he went out in the street later that night, he…. 

No, it wasn’t Alex.  She was in a library, she reminded herself.  In a library on New Year’s eve, with music blazing and anticipations rising.  Carlotta pulled away and continued walking. She didn’t know this man. This wasn’t Alex.  This wasn’t Alex. This was not Alex. No matter how much he looked like him, he really did, or how long he was willing to wait to talk to her.  It wasn’t Alex. And as she walked through the bathroom doors the implication hit her. It wasn’t Alex. Alex was gone. He had been gone for so long but she still couldn’t let go of him.  Why couldn’t she let go??

She must have been crying pretty hard.  The next thing she knew someone was picking her up and carrying her up the stairs.  Carlotta didn’t open her eyes. Her chest felt tight and her head was hurting. It always did that when she started crying.  It was as if her body didn’t think that she was going through enough at the time. As if she needed more anguish and pain.  

Upstairs was dim and quiet.  Very little of the music and sound of pounding feet made it through the ceiling.  The person carrying her set her down on one of the large couches made for reading.  It was soft and held her steadily. Then the man started rummaging around through cupboards and chests.  He managed to find several large blankets and pillows. He started making a blanket fort around Carlotta, pushing all the bad things out.  

Soon the man came back with a stack of books, a flashlight, and some food.  He was quiet and shy, but he also wasn’t afraid of anything it seemed. The pair talked for hours about the books and food.  About their lives and their dreams.  

Carlotta still didn’t know his name but that hardly seemed to matter.  It was as though someone had seen into her soul. It was like he had been waiting here all his life.  Waiting for her to ignore him. And the more that she talked to him the more sure she was that even her ignoring him was something he would kill for.  Besides, you can’t ignore or hate someone you don’t actually like, can you? It takes far too much energy.  

Carlotta hadn’t spent the 31st of December celebrating.  The pain from the last three years bled into everything she did.  Everything she said. Bitterness and regret, that’s what it was. Pain and loss.  But maybe the gods, or karma, or pure luck and coincidence had given her this new opportunity.  Maybe now she’d be able to find some peace.  

But not in the way that she thought. 

The man held her.  She kept thinking of him as Alex.  Who knew, maybe that was his name.  Alex held her for what seemed like hours.  Maybe it was. All Carlotta knew was that when he took her hand and led her down the stairs and out the doors, the drunken party makers were getting ready to countdown.  It was only a couple minutes now. Alex-- no she didn’t know his name-- The man stood in front of her right outside the doors. The rain fell lightly on them but it wasn’t as harsh as earlier.  He looked into her eyes and whispered to her.

“I know…” He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. 

“I know that you’ve missed me.  I’m… I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you have to continue on living without the love and… And care and affection that you deserve.”  

Carlotta knew.  It was Alex.  But he had died??  He had died right in front of her. 

“They let me come back for one day.  I just wanted to make you smile again.  I wanted--” 

But then his speech was interrupted by a flood of tears.  With hands in his face, he tried to calm himself. He embraced Carlotta and held on for a long time. 

“I spent most of the day transferring money and buying you gifts and.. And… And I’m sorry.   I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I’ll be gone at midnight. But I…” 

He pulled away from her arms and looked into her eyes.  He kissed her and then held her again.  

“I love you.”  He whispered in the dark. 

Carlotta knew that it could all be a joke.  It could all be a horrible joke or some elaborate prank.  She could be the biggest fool in history.  

But it could also all be true. 

For the first time, Carlotta had gained hope that she would see the man she loved again.  

She looked up at him. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

They smiled.  

Though I’ll be gone at midnight 

My love will still embrace you.  

For the wind doesn’t wait to be seen, 

and the sunlight doesn’t wait for reprieve. 

Though I’ll be gone before daylight 

My love will still surround you 

For the flowers growing don’t wait for permission, 

and the mighty don’t wait for submission. 

Though I’ll be gone at midnight 

My love is like the stars 

Overseeing the cold and the distant,

as well as all beauty in existence.

Carlotta hugged him tightly once more as the people inside started counting down. 

“10,

9, 

8, 

7, 

6, 

5, 

4, 

3, 

2, 

1!!”