Shadow Dances

As I stand on the stage, my heart pounds as I breathe in anticipation.

The first musical notes float through the air, and I feel the familiar thrill of butterflies swirling in my stomach; it is both exhilarating and agonizing.

I close my eyes and let the melody wash over me, each beat fuelling my energy. My fingers slowly trace the curves of my body.

From the front row, someone releases the sweet smoke of a cigarette and, it spreads to the stage like a wave. 

 The lights dim. A single focus on red light sets on me, calling the attention of everyone in the room. 

Just as my fingers reach the end of their trail onto my breasts, the lyrics begin to play.

I let the rhythm take control, my body melting with the smoke that rises slowly.

My arms come into view, and I stare at my fingers, moving them slowly, creating a wave-like movement of the satin of my dress.

I feel like a Phoenix, burning through the sky.

The shadows overtake the room dressed as figures of mystical dragons and bird-like ancient gods. 

A hurricane of demons burst through my chest; they remind me that I am but a shadow of what I could be, of where I could go. 

My body undulates timidly, bringing life to my hips. 

I caress my face softly with the back of my hand, my eyes closed. A reminder of the kindness and comfort that I once had.

I can be strong. 

A stronger beat of my heart brings in the energy from the outside.

I can be powerful. 

I can bring the world to its feet.

A sudden swirl brings my body and soul to life. 

I close my eyes, drinking in the energy. There is something unique about a room full of expectant eyes all staring at you; all waiting for your next move. 

I inhale the alcohol and smoke, a smell so familiar that it has become soothing. I feel the inebriating vibrations of desire emanating from the crowd, and I feed off it.

With elegance and ease, I jump left of the stage, just enough to glimpse the balcony where he stands. His piercing blue eyes watch my every move, trying to dig into my soul. My skin gnawing in despair. The butterflies in my stomach begin a violent dance of their own. 

Life rushes out of my body, and I fall to my knees at the same time as the melody softens and pauses slightly. 

A second passes but I can't move. With heavy breathing, I stare at my hands pressed against the wooden floor. 

A beat echoes through the air. 

I hit my feasts on the floor and force myself to look up again. 

Everyone is looking expectantly. 

A louder beat builds up the music once more. 

I let the music control me, fighting the crippling anxiety inside. 

From the depths of my memories, my mother's voice echoes strongly. "The music is part of your ancestry. It lives inside you."

I bite my tongue, feeling the sour taste of my own blood. 

As the music becomes louder, I rise to my feet again. 

An explosion of light surrounds me as I let my body fall back, twisting and twirling on the floor. I am possessed by agony and ecstasy; by love and despair. 

I lay still on the floor and slowly arched my back while my hands trailed a path through my body. I find him staring at me again. His gaze suffocates me, and I find myself holding my neck with my own hands. 

Dancing has been both my gift and my curse. A legacy I was born to carry on.

I close my eyes once more, silencing the voices, the fears, the demons that haunt me. A feeling of loss brings back the despair for movement. I look at him – staring blankly at the stage. There is no emotion. He is but a figure of power and control. 

I envy him for that; I want that. A feeling that comes so naturally to him while I am filled with a storm of bipolar emotions, of voices arguing and poisoning my mind. 

I am again on my feet, as the music reaches its higher notes, bursting with energy. I punch the air left, swirl, and punch the air once more. 

The music hits faster and louder and my body follows the energy. 

One more swirl, and then I force my upper body down as if dodging a bullet. 

As the violence hits, my body and soul are corrupted by thoughts and voices that are not my own. 

I jump as high as I can. Once my feet hit the ground, I crunch and punch the floor. 

Angry shadows follow my movements, growing through the walls, coming from each corner, each hole where light cannot touch them.

Our eyes met again, but this time I am no longer scared. Fuelled by the energy of the music, I am angry. An anger I never knew existed in me but is now consuming me, burning through me. 

I throw the veins of my dress into the air, and they burst into shadowing flames, burning everything in their path. They rise higher and higher as I release my anger out into his world. 

I peek to see his eyes widen, and I smile widely. The insanity of it all has finally hit me. 

I am a giant in command of all the demons that battle their way out of my body, destroying everything in their path. The statin of my clothes flames above the heads of everyone in the front row. 

The music continues to play in the background but is now muffled by the crowd's screams as they trample over each other running away. I see them jumping through the air desperate to find their way out of my inferno. I should feel something, but I am numb to their paint, just as they have been to mine. 

I watch peacefully as the chaos takes over the bar in front of me. 

My body is still dancing, my hands creating wave-like movements of shadows, as I move off stage. In a feline way, I jump swiftly to the floor. 

At a table, right in front of me, there is a glass filled with a viscous blood-red drink. It seems appropriate. Grabbing it I weigh it between my fingers before drinking it in one single go. I lick my lips as I stare at him, watching him disappear behind the flames and smoke. 

The drink burns me. Leaving a trail of pain that I am quick to embrace. My mind is cloudy. 

I inhale the smoke and smell of burning wood and flesh.

I am a powerful goddess, coming alive from the ashes of generations of renegades. 

I will prevail over my demons. I repeat it like a mantra. 

I hear a guttural roar. Staring at the horizon of smoke, I look out for the threat I know will inevitably come my way. 

The music ends but another one follows, this last one loud and heavy, as if it could read the room. 

Maybe it can.

I breathe deeply, taking in the anger from the lyrics. The energy fuels me with power and confidence. 

Even though my dance has ended, another one is about to begin.