The Lost Years

You wake to the sun filtering through the sides of the ill fitting night blind and pull the covers tight around your face, not quite ready to give up the cozy cocoon feeling and the vestiges of your wistful dreams. The night was generous with no restless bouts of insomnia, just dreams of a sweeter time, with Jack facetiously poking fun at your beat up flip flops while racing you down to the lake.. These are the best mornings, where you allow yourself to perpetuate the bliss of nighttime dreams with Jack into a daydream, sipping your coffee with him beside you. Him reading his newspaper and relaying articles of little interest or disconcert to you followed by his many rants. You relish these moments, chasms from the solitude of the day to day routines that you fill your hours with.

You make the coffee dreamily and smile as you envisage Jack’s jests, “Do I have to finish making that coffee for you, my cup’s still empty.”. 

“Not a perfect brew till the last drip Sir Jackson” you say playfully.. As the coffeemaker spits the last bits of steam you pour yourself a cup and sing out in your reverie “Coffee done, come and get it my liege”. 

You slide into your favorite chair and gaze out over the shimmering water. “The lake is so calm this morning.. I so miss all the kids out splashing around, seems like there’s rarely any young ones up here anymore” you say out loud, enjoying the sound of your voice reminiscing.

The knock at the door snaps you into the here and now as you remember what day it is. Every Friday Teddy Jansen delivers the mail right to the door. The once a week delivery could be dropped off in the mailbox at the end of the cottage lane way by the main road, but Teddy liked to check up on the few that lived up here full time. It gave him some comfort knowing the more isolated of this small community were okay. 

“Oh oh, this won’t do, hope Teddy hasn’t heard us talking away, he might send the men in white up with a straight jacket and take me away” giggling and whispering quietly to Jack. You rush to grab your sweater to cover yourself before opening the door, still only wearing your pajama bottoms with a camisole top and no bra. . 

“Morning Teddy, looks like it’s going to be a fine day. Fresh coffee on, can I pour you a cup?”

“Thanks Annie, but have a cuppa on the go. Supposed to be a scorcher for the next few days, may get busy up here. May bring the family up myself, git a swim or two in.” 

Teddy tips his hat as he hands you the bundle of mail which looks like a bunch of flyers for the most part. “Thanks Teddy, you’re a Gem.” you say as you watch him walk away..

Refreshing your coffee you sit at the table so you can spread out the flyers to peruse for deals, any reason to take a run into town. As you remove the elastic holding the bundle together an envelope slides out and drops on the floor. You reach down to pick it up and gasp as you recognize the familiar handwriting of your long lost Son. Your heart races and your hand shakes as you hold it up and examine it for a return address, but there is no indication of where he is. . 

Your thoughts go back many years to him sitting at this very table with Jack both of them talking philosophically about God versus evolution, a topic discussed so often, a topic that typically could incite angry differences but never seemed to with the two of them, they could go on for hours. So much alike the two were yet so different in their views of life. And you reminisce about all the decisions you and him made about his life, school, travel, girlfriends and so much more, as well, sitting at this very table. Just the two of you. Looking out at the lake and pondering life’s choices. Dillon always came to you to discuss his big decisions. Like putting school off for a year to travel Europe, about his grades and his best approach to becoming a Nurse, even writing up his Valedictorian speech. The two of you had that very sweet bond only given to a Mother and Son. He was always gentle and thoughtful, over considerate of others, first to step up and help, and so soft spoken. Such a treasure.  

It’s so hard to believe things turned out the way they did. Nobody could have imagined Dillon abandoning his family and friends the way he did.  Years have gone by and many sleepless nights, crying quietly so Jack wouldn’t hear. Every Birthday, Dillon's, Jack's, Yours, even his Sisters’. Each of these days and many more would end with you lying sleepless in bed and grieving his absence, the ache of a broken heart, the empty place in your life you always thought he’d occupy. Thoughts of how it came to be and wondering what you could have done differently. Bewildered, and not understanding what you did wrong. The hardest though was Mother’s and Father’s day, hoping as the hours ticked by you would hear from him, a text even. How did such a loving and sensitive boy like Dillon just turn his back on everyone he loved. 

Sometimes a memory would trigger your grief, out of nowhere, intruding and sabotaging a perfectly normal day. In the middle of the afternoon while you sat on the dock contemplating life, or when you were at the supermarket and saw a young boy with his Mother, even sometimes a young couple together would do it. You always imagined your Daughter in Law becoming another Daughter, and extension of your family. You never imagined someone tearing your family and dreams apart, especially when you never meddled or interfered.

You carefully open the envelope and unfold the letter to find a picture of children. Two beautiful girls and a younger boy. “Our Grandchildren Jack” you say as tears spill down your cheeks. Their names written on the back with their ages in the assumed order they were posed.  Jenna age 14, Tara age 12 and Tyler age 9 yrs, with the date April 3, 2015. Only 3 months ago.  Just like your own children, Donna your oldest, Darlene you middle child and Dillon your baby.  You look at these three beautiful children in front of you. Jenna, tall and lean with wavy brown hair, a stunning young lady. And Tara, also with brown hair but straight with a pink  hair band neatly holding her hair out of her face, a little shorter but slender and so cute. Then Tyler, with striking red hair, unruly wavy and thick, and freckles everywhere, a playful grin on his face. You can see Dillon in all three of the children, especially in the girls, his eyes and mouth. You wipe the tears from your face that threatened to roll onto the pages of the letter in front of you. Your Grandchildren, little parts of Dillon but still strangers to you. All the years lost, stolen from you, and forever from Jack. Even from them. How could Dillon let this happen? Your thoughts threaten to make your heart explode.. 

Then the familiar bitterness settles in the pit of your stomach as you think of her, Janine. The unimaginable damage she has caused you all. The unwarranted ridicule towards everyone that has known Dillons love. Such a pretentious controlling woman. Like a black cloud, showing up at your door one day, uninvited.  You’d only met her once, Dillon only a couple of times more. The ex-girlfriend of a friend of a friend, showing up as if Dillon was hers to claim. Manipulatively urging him into each step of her predetermined idea of how she wanted her life to play out. 

In the beginning, she was very cordial with all of you, a bit precocious in a witty way, but still charming. You should have seen the signs, the little hints of a manipulative and controlling personality. But you didn’t. You wanted to like her. You wanted to make her feel welcome.  But as the relationship with Dillon solidified, once she had the commitment in the form of an engagement ring, the trouble started. Discontentment and vexation towards  his friends, one by one. Then the condescending behaviour, correcting your comments and views as if all of you were obtuse, without the good sense to understand anything, She especially focused her contempt on you, constantly correcting every opinion or comment you had, telling you what to think and smirking or rolling her eyes.    

Before long she had moved Dillon away from everyone that cared about him and he grew more stoic and bitter by the year, focusing his disdain on his once dearest friends and sadly his family. He once told you, as if convinced of it himself, that Janine had diagnosed his boundless energy and  humor as Attention Deficit Disorder. This was classic abuse, controlling him by impairing his self confidence, self worth, ensuring his reliance on her. 

Every holiday, every Christmas spent without him, every Thanksgiving was heartbreaking. You were left feeling discarded and traded in for his new family, her family. Less deserving, unworthy and unfit in comparison to the Watson’s, his in laws. 

Dillon tried in the early years to at least keep dialogue going but it was difficult.  Jack, bitter with his behavior, argued with him most of the time. And you only spoke of what was going on in your life, afraid to ask too many questions about their life, fearful of being accused of meddling.  Early on, when there were still token visits, it was so difficult, you couldn’t do anything to please her. You were damned if you did, damned if you didn’t with respect to absolutely everything. Whatever you cooked, whatever gift you gave, whatever you said. Every visit was so filled with tension you looked forward to them leaving. If you asked Janine anything personal you were prying, if you didn’t, you didn’t care. Every gift you gave, she either already had, it didn’t fit or match her decor. All of you, always walking on eggshells, every visit a disaster And after every single visit you’d cried yourself to sleep... 

When you thought things were intolerable, it got even worse. Janine  started to block you and the girls from her social media, as a contact on their phones and eventually from their life. But not before the vile messages accusing you of  things you hadn’t done or said, insinuating things that never were. How could you possibly be guilty, you never saw them, rarely talked with them, text messages were only out of necessity, brief and impersonal. The final straw for you, when you started to receive warnings of someone trying to access your email account and bad login attempts to your Facebook account while you were actually logged in. You couldn’t be certain it was Janine, but the timing was very pretty suspect, and your instincts told you it was something you could imagine her doing. The last communication you had with either Janine or Dillon was the carefully typed email you sent to his work account. Desperately trying to ensure it was for his eyes only and wouldn’t be intercepted by Janine. You felt he should be aware of the extreme level of blocking of communications between you all.. That you were concerned you wouldn’t be able to reach him if there were an emergency. 

Then you probably went too far. “I’m not accusing Janine, but really the timing is very suspect. I can’t think of anyone that would try to do this and Facebook breaches are almost always someone known to you. What did any of us do to deserve this Dillon. I don’t want to cause trouble, we’ve never interfered and we are absolutely perplexed as to why we are being ostracized from your life. We never imagined this is how life with you and Janine would be.”

And that was the last time you heard from your sweet boy. Until now. You lay the letter on the table in front of you and ponder at how short it is, so many years lost and so little words. .

“Dear Mom, there is so much for me to tell you and I really don’t want to do it in a letter. I know I don’t have the right to ask but I hope you will see me and let me try to apologize for the way I have allowed you all to be treated. Janine and I moved Barrie almost 12 years ago. I got a great job offer there.”

Your hands trembled at the news that they were no more than 45 minutes away from you all that time. It felt like they had fallen off the face of the earth, or moved to another province at least. You had no illusions that Janine would ever be a part of your life but why would Dillon not have visited himself, brought your Grandchildren to meet you. Even a letter. Sobs escape your throat as you think about how much you’ve lost, forever lost to Jack.  

“I can’t even begin to ask for your forgiveness that I wasn’t there to say goodbye to Dad, to be there for you when you needed me most. And I don’t think I will ever be free from the shame and sorrow that I didn’t find a way to spend time with him before it was too late.

“ I’ve spoken with Donna. Please don’t be angry with her, I asked her not to say anything to you. I wanted to speak with you myself first” Not surprising it was Donna he went to. Your oldest and most studious. Everything by the book. If he’d contacted Darlene she wouldn’t have been so cooperative. Darlene, your steadfast, has been your rock since losing Jack, always there for you, taking you shopping, Sunday dinners, trying so hard to fill some of what was missing in your life. What would you have done without your Darlene. Donna on the other hand, has always tried to be the voice of reason, her point of view at least. Always wanting you to move to town, to an apartment where you were close to amenities and less to take care of, less of a worry for her, less of a burden for Darlene.  Always distressed about you at the cottage by yourself, especially during the off season months when most of the cottagers closed up and went home. But this is the place that felt like home, the place your best memories lived.

“I wasn’t too surprised to hear you had moved to the cottage permanently, I know how much you and Dad loved it there. You’ve always been so strong and independent, I always admired that about you.

“I am hoping you will be open to me coming to spend a few days with you next month, you can meet the kids, I’ve told them so much about their Grandma and they can’t wait to meet you.

“ You probably don’t know this but Janine passed away a few months ago, she had been diagnosed a year ago with ovarian cancer and lost her battle in March. I’m mostly telling you this so you don’t say something to the kids, they are doing pretty good now but still struggle sometimes.”

You should be devastated and you are for Dillon, your heart aches for him. But instead shocking news only serves to lift a huge weight from you. A cloud of bitterness, gone, and a feeling of absolute renewal. Like the first day of spring where anything seems possible. Dillon and his Children’s loss shouldn’t feel this way for you and you feel a pang of guilt..  

You realize you’ve been doubtful about meeting your Grandchildren and seeing Dillon because you couldn’t survive another token visit, to have a version of your son you hardly know back for a moment and lose again. But without Janine, maybe he would return to your life in a loving way. Your Dillon, the Dillon you've always known and loved, back in your life like you once dreamed and hoped for. Maybe you can have it back, you can make new memories, forget about the lost years.. 

Oh how your heart aches that Jack couldn’t be with you. You’d given up all hope this day would come. You thought you would die not having the chance to say goodbye to your son. You cry, for the loss, that Dillon will not be able to reunite with Jack. You cry for the lost years with your Grandchildren, your only Grandchildren and you cry for the pure joy you feel that you will be reunited with your boy. 

“I know I have no right to ask this of you after breaking your heart. You and Dad loved each other so much, you taught me to love and cherish my wife no matter what, to put her first. All I ever wanted was to experience the kind of love you two have had. I lost so much trying to make Janine happy. But I have three amazing kids I love so much and am so thankful for. I hope you will call Mom, I miss you so much.”

And so it is. The sun is shining. The lake is shimmering. And life has taken on new meaning. “Did you ever think I’d have our Dillon back Jackson? Oh how much I wish you could be here to meet our Grandbabies. I miss you my love.”