Knickknacks and Whatnot

You looked out the window, and for the first time, thought how wrong the weather forecast had been. The weatherman said that it would be sunny out. A perfect day for a picnic, to spend time with family and friends.

"Family and friends, my ass," you thought. You were alone in the world. You looked around your small, dark room. It's messy, clutter everywhere. You felt like the wall is closing in on you. You blink back the tears. It’s too early in the morning for that.

You sigh. You take a deep breath. You count 1-2-3. You got up out of bed and started your day. You try to navigate the giant mess that is your unpacked clothes and other luggage. Knickknacks and whatnots of simpler times. All that is left of 5 years of marriage.

You sighed again. You have been doing that a lot lately. You stepped into the shower, took off your clothes. You look at yourself in the mirror, and not for the first time asked the question, “Was it my fault?” The person looking back at you had no answer.  She just looked sad and miserable. You are thirty five but looked about fifty. Well, finding out your husband cheated on you with your sister will do that to you, she guesses.

After taking a shower for a long time, you emerge ready to start the day. You took your time picking out your clothes. You are tempted to just wear black, but you don’t want people to pity you more than they already do. You feel like you are in mourning, though.  You put on your most cheerful yellow outfit and set out for the day.

You drove in silence, not really in the mood for music. You just want the silence, the blissful sound of nothing. It’s been three months since you left your house. Three months since your life changed. Your phone rang. You glanced at it and saw that it was your ex calling. You violently clicked the reject button and threw your phone away. The last thing you want is to speak to that good-for-nothing-cheat.

You arrived at your coffee shop. Business was good. For that, you were glad. At least one thing in your life is going great. You greeted your staff. They were a bunch of really hardworking people. You went directly to the office to start your accounting, something that you weren’t really looking forward to. As much as you she hated it, that’s the job. You booted up your computer and started poring over the numbers when the phone rang.

“Jumping Beans, this is Alexis speaking, how may I help you?” Silence. You waited a couple of seconds. “Hi. Is there anything I can help you with?” The line went dead. Annoyed, you put the phone with a huff. “Prank callers,” you told yourself with the shake of your head.

You started working again when your cellphone rang. Hoping that it wasn’t your sister or your ex, you picked it up and saw it was your mom. You sighed and rubbed your head. You feel like a massive headache is in your future. But, NOT talking to your mother will surely cause World War Three. Reluctantly, you pick up the phone and with the fakest cheerful voice that you can muster said, “Hello, mother dear! How are you?” Your mother wasn’t fooled and said, “Cut the crap. For the love of God, talk to your husband. Please.” “He isn’t my husband anymore.” You reasoned out, annoyed.

Ever since your mom found out that you left your house, she had been hounding you to talk to your ex and work it out. Of course, she had no idea WHY you left. You were trying to save your mom from the heartbreak of finding out your youngest child is a bed hopping slut. “In the eyes of God, you still are.” She said, her voice rising. You rubbed your temples. “Mom, I made my decision. Max and I are done. He cheated on me, mom. He had an affair with another woman for a year. I’m done. I can’t forgive for that, so please don’t ask me to.” Silence. “Just hear him out, at least. He said that you’d been ignoring his calls. If you want to end it, at least end it properly. I know he made a big mistake, I don’t condone what he did, I just don’t want you to have regrets, dear.” “The only regret I have is not finding out about the affair sooner.” You said, tears in your eyes. “Don’t you want to know the reason, Alexis? Don’t you want to ask him what the other woman had that you didn’t?”

You sighed.  That is the very question that you want answered. But at the same time, you are afraid to know the answer. Your self-esteem already took a massive hit when you saw the messages that your husband and sister exchanged: the flirty messages, the sexy pictures, the words of love. You felt your heart breaking. You wanted to stop reading, but you couldn’t. The feeling of betrayal cut you so deep, you wanted to die. You could not believe that the man that promised to spend the rest of his life with you and your sister (and your maid of honor) could hurt you like that.

“Alexis?” your mother asked. “Mom, not right now. I can’t. I’m not ready.” You cried. “Your father cheated on me once.” Your mother said it so quietly that you weren’t sure you heard it right. “What?!” You exclaimed. This was news to you. Your mother and your father didn’t have the perfect relationship, but you didn’t think your dad would cheat on your mother. You were always closer to her father than her mother.  You love your mom, but sometimes she can be a bit pushy.

“Your father and I were married for only a year when your father met a woman. She was exciting, intriguing and exotically beautiful. Your father was young and was tempted. I felt that something was off with your father, always coming home late, not wanting to be intimate.” Your mother stopped talking for a while then continued, “One day, I followed your father to a hotel. That’s when I saw them together, kissing. I never felt so hurt in my life, I wanted to die.”

“Did you confront them?” you asked. “No, I just left. I went home and packed my things. I left your father that night. I was determined to leave him and I did.” Your mother stopped, you can tell that she was having a hard time talking about it. “Mom, you don’t have to tell me all this. It’s okay, I understand.”

“No, it’s okay. I wanted to tell you this. Your father found me at Aunt Shelly’s house. I had been there over a month. I didn’t want to talk to him, but your aunt convinced me to.”

“He confessed everything. They had been seeing each other for six months. He felt like we rushed into marriage. We were very young when we got married and he wanted to see what else is out there. He wanted to see if he was missing something when he married me.”

“I hated him for saying that. But I was glad that he told me. I needed to know why he did what he did. I needed to know if it was my fault. He answered questions that I had in my mind. It would have driven me crazy if he didn’t tell me.”

You felt silent. Tears were falling down your cheeks. “It took me a long time before I could forgive your father. There was a time when I thought I couldn’t. But he persevered and groveled. I eventually forgave him. Not long after, you were born, and a few years later, your sister was born.”

“This is the reason why I wanted you to hear Max out. Ask him these questions. It’s your right. He owes you an explanation. It’s the least that he could do.”

By this time, you had been crying openly. “Thank you for telling me, mom. I really needed to hear it. I had been feeling alone for months. I felt like I could not talk about this with anyone. But I still cannot believe that dad did that to you…”

“Your father made mistakes, sweetheart. But he more than made up for it. He shows me every day that he loves me. I don’t regret taking him back. He gave two wonderful daughters that I love very much. Now, I’m not saying to forgive him or take him back, but, just hear him out. You deserve an explanation.”

“I promise to talk to him when he calls. I will try to hear him out. Thanks again, mom. I love you.”  You said. Before saying goodbye, your mother said, “Oh, by the way, please call your sister back, she said you are dodging her calls.”

You made some sound and said goodbye. That is another problem for another day. For now, she wiped her tears, took a breath and got ready to face the day.