Humanity's Sin

John woke up feeling weird. Something felt off about today. He couldn’t put his finger on what it was, but he suspects it was from his dream. He didn’t remember his dream was, but it woke him up in a weird mood.

He went through school in regular fashion. Talking with friends, going to class, flirting with girls, the usual. During the last class of the day, he day-dreamt about being a famous filmmaker, an aspiration of his, but one he would never pursue.

He left school, sped home, and studied for the SAT, which he was taking in a week. Being 17 is tough, he thought in a Jerry Seinfeld voice, imagining he was doing stand-up comedy.

He left his house at 6pm to start his night shift at the ice-cream shop in his neighborhood. He was worried about all the ice-cream he ate, but figured he would never become fat.

After a couple hours of a not-busy shift, on his way to the dumpster twenty feet behind the back of his store, he saw the silhouette of a tall man in the distance, draped by casting shadows. “Scary moment,” he thought, fear growing as the figure walked closer. At about 15 feet away, with the light of streetlamp illuminating the potential monster, John realized the man was a familiar face. The man in question, was a bit taller than John, with a beer belly, long legs like John’s, and a face that looked like John’s, but much older. The man got closer, and while doing so, John shrieked a reserved, but threatening, “Hey!” The man stopped five feet away, fully visible in the dark lot. This was one of those, “what the fuck” moments. This man looked like him, but older? What? The man spoke. “John, don’t freak out dude.” He took a breath, “I’m you, from the future.” John was in shock, and let out a dumbfounded reply of “really?” “Yes, I am.” “What,” John asked, perplexed, not convinced he was awake. “I know this is confusing but let me explain.” The man stepped a bit closer.

His face was clean shaven, prominent stubble present, his ears and nose were drooped down a bit; his hair was wavy and short, with a salt and pepper thing going. He had poor posture, and massive dark circles surrounding his eyes. He looked defeated. “I am you from the future. In my reality, time travel has been invented, and is open to the public. I have time traveled back to you at this specific time.” He paused. “Why… and how do I know you’re me?” John asked. “I know about the McDonald’s bathroom.” This was something so personal, so sinister, so private, that John knew this man was, in fact, him from the future. In disbelief that this was happening, with tears of awe in his eyes, John muttered, “How do I know this is real?” “What? I don’t know man, it is, believe it.” Future John then grabbed John’s arm, shaking it a bit. “See, I’m real, you’re real, this is real.” John just stood there, grasping the fact that this was actually happening. “Anyway, the reason I’m here is because I want you to change your life- my life. I know you’re planning to be a lawyer, and eventually, you will become one. You’re going to work here for a few more months *pointing at the ice-cream parlor*, then quit for the summer. You’re then going to go to the college for four years, go abroad for a semester, and that will be the best time of your life. You’re then going to go to law school, study hard, and become a lawyer, joining Dad’s law firm. You’re going to get married, have a family, and stay very close with your parents. You will have a loving family, and you will live a normal, upper-middle class life. You run a marathon, twice, and have a mild cancer scare, which you will beat quickly, until you end up exactly like me, 30 years later.” John took a few seconds to respond. “Ok, but why are you here?” “I’m here because I hate my life. I hate the way it turned out, and not a second goes by where I wish I did it differently.” Both boys stood in silence for a moment, then future John continued. “Listen, I love what I have, I love my family, I love my kids, and I love what I have, but I can’t stop thinking, and I continuously thought throughout my adult life, how this is not for me. And it’s not. I never chased my dreams. I’m an entertainer. You’re an entertainer, you’re not meant for a life like this, neither was I. I wish I chased my dreams, and I regretted it so bad, that I was willing to come back here.” “What do you mean you were willing to come back here?” Future John took a deep breath, then sighed. “When you time travel, you erase your own individual, current timeline, or something like that. When the government released this technology, they basically tell you how it’s kind of like killing yourself, I think. I’m not so sure, but if you change something significant, you cease to exist. And I was going to kill myself. So, I thought, ya know, why not do this? Why not convince myself to chase my actual dreams, not live in regret anymore. Because even if I fail, or if you fail, I guess, at least I will know I tried, and that is better than living the lie I did.” John stammered a bit, then continued his silence, signaling his future self to continue talking, and he did. “I know it’s selfish to leave my family and my life, but I couldn’t take it anymore, so I figured, I’d tell you all this, so you can live a life that is truly you.” “Ok, so what am I supposed to do?” “I don’t know, follow your dreams, make movies, become who you’re supposed to be, live your true life. Because even if it doesn’t work out, at least you will know you tried.” Future John then looked at a technological device on his wrist John hadn’t recognized before, then said, “Ok, I have to go, I don’t know what will happen, but I’m glad I said this. Goodbye John.” “Bye.” Future John then clicked some buttons, then suddenly, in a quick flash of light, he was gone, no trace that he was ever there.

John did not sleep that night. He tossed and turned, mulling over the interaction he just had, analyzing and reanalyzing everything he had heard, digesting, and calculating his future trajectory.

That night changed everything for John. He followed his elder self’s wishes, and decided he would tell no one about this. He started writing screenplay’s he had originally written down as mere one-sentence ideas on his notes app. He learned as much as he could from the internet and practiced writing every day. He started to read more, and study any and all advice anyone in the industry had to offer online. Once in college, he switched his major to film analysis and creative writing, then transferred to a top film school after his freshman year. He graduated on the dean’s honor roll, creating several short films while in school, even winning an award for one in his senior year. He began working as an actor for minor roles in films and shows in Los Angeles, eventually landing a major role in a movie about a year after his arrival in his new city. About three years later, a script he had written got picked up by a major production company, where he was the lead actor, and director. The movie was a semi-hit, but it was enough for other companies to invest in John for the future.

He had made it, his grinding had paid off, and he was living his dream. The next twenty years of John were filled with partying, traveling, writing, acting, and directing his own movies, along with a couple spiritual awakenings, a DUI, and a divorce.

By the time he was fifty, he had directed 18 movies, acting in nine of them, winning an Oscar for best actor, two for best director, and three for best original screenplay. He was a legend, and his dreams had come true. He was currently dating a 25-year-old super model, and had two kids, each with a different mother. He had houses in LA, New York, Miami, and Italy.

After a subpar sleep, still coked out and hungover from the night before, John walked to the bathroom to take a piss. He brushed his teeth, then hesitated before walking out. He looked in the mirror and thought about that night all those years ago where his future self-had visited him. He still was not sure that night was real, nevertheless, it was real enough. John then walked down his marble stairs, through living room two, past the dining room, into the kitchen, where he was greeted by his chef, who was cooking up his favorite breakfast.

John ate alone, speaking no words after “good morning” with his chef. Elizaveta was somewhere in Europe doing a modeling shoot for vogue, enjoying her youth. John finished his eggs benedict with caviar, then waddled upstairs. He laid back in bed, pulled up his laptop, and continued his writing for his new movie about loneliness. He was projecting, as he had done for all his past films.

Even with a career riddled with success, reaching the life most could only dream of, John found himself depressed, wishing for his life to be different. He thought back to that day, and how having a nice, loving family, being a lawyer, didn’t sound so bad.

For the next few weeks, John continued his writing, lazying around his house all day, not leaving his estate. His beard grew out, and he stopped exercising. His depression grew stronger, and he didn’t have any friends or family close enough to confide in. He ended things with his super model girlfriend over a FaceTime call. She was devastated, he was indifferent. Everything became a chore. John was not happy to breathe anymore. Nothing was satisfying.

After about a month of sickening laziness, John flew to New York City, where his freshman year college roommate, who he had stayed semi-close with all these years, had invited him to show him some new technology he had made. The friend, Malcom, was a very successful scientist, a brilliant mind, and he and John always had a great relationship.

When John arrived, Malcom gave no hesitation on showing him what the reason for John’s trip was about. Malcom had created a time machine. It was something he had shown very few people, and his reason for showing John was to see if he wanted to use it, as he had let some other friends do.

Upon seeing this machine, John was taken back. He had to sit down. Malcom saw this reaction and interpreted it as a marvel at his technological development, mistaking John’s reaction for what it really was: disbelief and sadness.

In this moment, where the current John, the new version of John, the moviemaking – not a lawyer- John saw the time machine, he had an epiphany so profound, so insane, so genius, that if he published a book on it, he would be remembered as his generations Aristotle. It was that no matter what would happen, humanity would eventually develop time travel, and that he himself, would never be truly satisfied with his reality. He would always want something he did not have, his greatest sin. He would never be at peace so long as time travel was possible, a different life was possible. Seeing that he could time travel, as his previous self-had done to change his past, he was faced with an existential crisis. What was the point if he could always change it? Had he always been changing his life, in a continuous, never-ending loop in the pursuit of an unattainable satisfaction; a perfect life?

John realized that he, or his past self’s, had probably been changing their pasts. His life meant nothing. He just kept living a life that would repeatedly get erased. What was the point?

At this thought, John took one more look at the time machine, in awe, and without saying a word, ran to the upstairs balcony of Malcom’s loft apartment, and stared down. He saw the ground, 70 stories below him, and new, if he would end his life now, it would all be over: no more loop, no more search for an unattainable happiness, just rest. Malcom was screaming at John, as John had climbed over the railing; the only thing halting his descent was his grip on the railing. But John did not hear Malcom. He was lost in thought. He was overwhelmed by this realization.

Then, Malcom grabbed John, with unbelievable, instinctual strength, and pulling him back over to safety.

John, with a look of shocked despair on his face, apologized to Malcom, and lied to him, saying he thought he was dreaming from seeing a real time machine. While Malcom was talking, John was not listening. He was thinking. What should he do? Shouldn’t he just end this meaningless cycle? Had the past John also had another future self come visit him? Had he had this same realization? John did not know, but what he did know, was that the perfect life was hypothetically possible if he would play his cards right. His stubborn self wouldn’t let that go. He knew he could do it, he knew he could, if he would just say the right thing to his past self, it was possible: a life yielding true satisfaction, true happiness, a real, beautiful, perfect life.  

So, John prepared what he was going to say to his past self for a few hours, then stepped into the time machine, willing to get true satisfaction once and for all. Then, John set the machine, with the guidance of Malcom, to that same day he had seen his future self, all those years ago, knowing that that future self no longer existed, as he was now that future self.

Taking a deep breath, knowing this was his right decision, his awaited end, anyway, John initiated the machine, and traveled back in time.

John woke up feeling weird.