Night walker

Sinking into place to notice how the clouds are going greyer. The fear we all once felt has long dispersed into a tired dull ache. There is no such thing as self esteem not at this point. Its meant to be sunset, at the gas station I buy a bottle of coca cola and two bars of chocolate. I sigh as the scan my card and I thank the teenager at the counter. My son Oscar's consumed by his tablet when I get back to the car. My daughter's Izzy's in the front looking out the window at the horizon. I hand her the coke. 

‘When is this done its been weeks Dad’ She asked picking the polish of her nail. I hate that she has to be afraid. I hate that I can do shit all about it. But I'm tired and I sigh again.

‘when we get to the ocean, If not there then I'm not sure’.

The radio crackles to some self absorbed host as I pull out of the station. The shadow- I call it, follows us looming. Watching. Never close enough to feel under immediate threat but always in sight. It makes sure its presence is felt. The sunset is a dull one of grey and stillness in the sky. My kids munch on the chocolate and we drive into the night. 

At 3 am I swear it is closer. I might be sleep deprived but I swear that if we stop it won't wait any longer. We’re running out of gas and I'm running out of time. I swear there should have been more stations but its just been the trees and sky for miles. We have to get to the coast I know this, but I don't know how far away that is anymore. Its 3am I swear its getting closer swirling and dark. We still don’t know what it is my daughter says it looks like a wolf- a giant black one but with swirling fur that's like the wind. When Oscars asleep or has headphones in we talk about it guesswork. Does it represent our fears? Is it from some other dimension? We talk about what Mum would do. What mum would think. More guesswork. She'd probably think its some devil that escaped from hell or some kind of other worldly ghost or spirt. God I miss her. Whenever I look back its just a shape of something careless and creature like. Its always giant but morphs on the horizon. It looks in pain somehow or maybe it just is pain. I can't communicate but it looks like things we would recognise. Sometimes it looks like a feeling. Like a memory of something. Other times its just a cartoonish distant giant. My son says he sees a deer that's not quite a deer. Like the legs are too long and the necks just bent wrong. Its always watching we all agree on that at lest.

Sometimes I think its just playing with us. Like it could end this road-trip anytime with little effort in a swift action. But where's the fun in that. Its late I must be thinking wonky. Where going on a road trip because we can’t afford plane tickets and all we know is that we think its lost. That's what We tell Oscar. It seems so anyway. We don't know why its latched onto us. Its not from here though. All I can think is the ocean. It seems like the ocean would devour it or that it would at least disappear. I have this feeling that if it hits something just as large and intangible as itself, then it might leave or die or something. Honestly I'm shooting in the dark. Running. We haven't actually talked to it yet. We don't know if its malicious or if it needs help somehow. I though for hours while driving of my options I can't keep running, I can't think up some imaginary solution because I know nothing about it. Can I risk whatever that thing might do?

I slowly pulled to a stop. Careful not to wake Oscar and Izzy leaning on one another asleep in the back seat. Under a blanket their grandmother knitted for them. I got out quietly. The plan is to see what it wants and to get it as far away from the car as possible. After writing a note on my phone for instructions for Izzy to call 000 and Grandma if I'm gone, and that I love her and Oscar more than anything that's why I had to confront it. I wrote that I'm so sorry and I hope one day they might understand but its ok if they can't. I opened my car door and stepped out into the night. The creature was watching and I watched it. Crying as I stepped away from the car. The air was cold my fear dissolved to exhaustion and I walked. It hung above me like a cloud of whirling noise and feelings. Whenever my brain tried to turn it onto something tangible it twitched and couldn't. It couldn't be named.

I asked it ‘What do you want?’

It couldn’t answer how could it. It felt warm though. I'm in disbelief and disrepair I sighed light a cigarette, breathed out the smoke. Maybe it doesn’t know why its following us. Maybe its scared. Except as I breathe in I breathed some of it in. I want to choke instinctively but I cant I don't. I just keep calmly breathing. Consuming this creature. In and out like its air until that's all there is. Air. In the pit of my stomach I feel it adjust. I cough and cough then throw up but I know its in me. Or that I am it. My lungs manage to breathe and I'm afraid to get back in the car with my kids. I love my kids and I feel this being love them too. Its a parasite. Buts its me now. Its strange is all I can think and I don't know if we are safe. It begins to rain I stand there for a moment. Still breathing forcefully calm. Then I get back in the car and drive. Towards the ocean.