Her First Halloween

Dear Diary,

8:00 a.m It’s Gracie’s first Halloween today. I bought her this cute little frog costume, that is big on her, so it looks like she’s swimming in a pool of green fabric. I made a little headband out of green pipe cleaners and wrapped it around her head for an extra accessory. I wish Justin was here. He would be so happy to see our little girl on this special night. I would have never thought that on our babies first Halloween, he wouldn’t be here, I’d be poor, and I would be going to a therapist that tells me to write in a journal. It’s unbelievable. 

8:30 a.m I forgot to mention before when I wrote my last entry, that my parents are coming to town to visit. They’ve bombarded me with email, texts, and calls every day that I need to get a hold of myself and take care of my baby. So, they decided to come to town and lecture me about it in person. So, to show them that I’m a great mother, and I have my life under control, I’m throwing a Halloween party and invited some of my friends and their kids. They’re coming at 4 tonight, then we’re going to go trick or treating in between 6-6:30. Whenever it gets dark.

9:00 a.m Gracie just puked everywhere. This is exactly what I need right now, especially when I have guests coming over because I know that they just love barf smelling houses. I’m a mess. My life is a mess. I want Justin. I want him to be alive, I want to live in a better house. I want my parents to get out of my life, I want my baby to have a dad. This is the worst day of my life. 

11:16 a.m My parents just called and told me that their plane just landed, and they’ll be at my house in about 1 to 2 hours. Gracie is playing in her playpen right now, and she looks so happy. My therapist told me to be specific in my journal, so I’m going to try and tell you every detail about what Gracie is doing. Her curly blond hair is bouncing up and down as she jumps on the small playpen, and she looks as if she has no problems in the whole world. I guess in a way she doesn't she's not the one whose husband died or has to clean up barf. But again, I guess she also has to deal that she poops her pants but I'm the one that's clean it up. l still can't help it but envy her the way she looks so happy all the time like nothing bothers her. I hope this is what my parents see when they come. I hope for their sakes I'm able to put a smile on my face like Gracie is so maybe they can see that I'm not a complete mess. My life has meaning. that they didn't raise a complete failure. They raised a little failure, but a complete one. And now my description paragraph is totally ruined. That's great. I guess I'll try again later today when I'm not busy trying to impress my parents and show them that I deserve my child.

5:45 p.m I'm sorry I haven't been writing in my journal for a while. It was a crazy day party. It went by so fast, my parents were actually nice and I wanted to enjoy it for once, and we're about to go trick-or-treating right now and I don't know what to do because I was supposed to write in my journal before this but I didn't and now my therapist is going to be so mad. On top of that, I need to put on a happy face because I'm taking my child trick-or-treating which is still so crazy that I'm not doing it with my husband, which still sucks, but I have to suck it up so my child has a great time. I don't know what to do because my child doesn't have a dad and I have to go trick-or-treating along with my parents who will be watching every breath I take. I don't know what to do. This is what I’ll do. I'm going to write a detailed paragraph of her first trick or treating. I will do it after trick-or-treating and it will be so fantastic my therapist will have to let me off the hook, and I'm a single mother, and if she doesn't that's rude because my husband died and I'll just play the innocent card I'll give her this sad puppy eyes. I figure it out. Okay, we're going soon, and I have to go get Gracie ready I'll see you later, bye. 

9:00 p.m It was amazing. It was Gracie's first Halloween and I'm so happy I got to be there with her. We walk down the block and it was so festive. There were so many Halloween decorations up and everyone was so kind when we were trick or treating. Everyone complimented Gracie on her Halloween costume and my parents even stayed out of my hair well at least as much as they could. Even though my husband's not here I think that I can make it I think that I can do it. I can raise Gracie without him. But on the other hand so, first, we walk down the street of our house we took a left at the first Hill and I was thrust taken there were so many costumes and they were all so different. Somewhere handmade just sheet thrown over their heads like a ghost and others look like they could be million-dollar costumes. Gracie’s smile never left her face she was so energetic she wanted to meet all the kids she was so excited when she got candy even though she was in her stroller the whole time it was like everyone we passed she put a smile on their face. She has this magical gift of her smile. It's just so fantastic and she's going to share with the world one day. I dressed up like a princess with this long pink gown beaded with plastic gems and Tracey was my little frog she was so cute in that outfit I can't believe it and I'm so proud of that headband I made her. I got lots of compliments from it. I met a lot of other moms and they seemed really supportive and we talked and they have a mom group on Instagram but they're going to let me into. So I had to say Gracie's first Halloween was a success. I got the mom's phone numbers and I think we're going to go trick-or-treating with them every year. Gracie met a lot of new friends and I have this whole new perspective and thanks for Halloween I think it's really a great time that people can come together and bond.