the light came back when i loved you

It was dark. It always had been. Whether she was in a windowless room or out in the bright sun, for Olivia the world always seemed dark. There was always something taking the light away from her.

Right now, Olivia sat on the floor next to her brother. Many people were gathered in the big tent, their faces illuminated by the numerous lanterns. They were bright and yet it was dark. She could see the light, but it seemed to never reach her. It never had. Not since she had learned what she had to hide in order to just exist in peace. Even though there were people jealous of her now – for being their leader’s daughter, for never having to worry about food or shelter, for various other reasons – if they learned what she had hidden for years, they would hate her. It was something Olivia didn’t want to risk, neither could she. There was too much importance on being perfect, exactly how everyone expected her to be – or at least seem like she was.

There of course had been times where Olivia had rebelled. She hadn’t wanted to be perfect; she’d only wished to be herself. Together with her siblings she had stolen snacks from the kitchen whenever an important dinner was coming up; they had sat in trees and poured water down as visitors to their village arrived to discuss wars and peace. They had done whatever they felt like doing, all while their parents shook their heads with a smile as they wondered when their kids would finally grow up.

That day had come. Only it hadn’t really been one day, it had happened gradually. Less and less the siblings would come up with stupid things to do, until one time was the last.

Thinking back, Olivia realized what they had done could barely be called rebelling, since their parents never minded. They had wanted their kids to have a childhood before one of them would rule and the other would act as advisors. Childishness would have no place there.

She had grown up, her siblings had too. Olivia missed the days where she saw the light, felt the sun’s warmth on her skin. Her childhood days had been sweet, nothing to worry about, she had been only playing and trying to make friends. Which, as a leader’s daughter, wasn’t that easy. Parents would tell their kids not to play with Olivia, out of fear that they would upset her. Her parents had always told everyone that they wouldn’t make judgements on families depending on whether their child had been nice to Olivia or her siblings, but the fear was still there. Olivia had always had someone to play with, especially since her brothers and sisters were around the same age as her, but she had wanted more. Someone that was different, someone that wouldn’t one day rule next to her.

And then she met Cara. She had moved into their village on Olivia’s eight birthday, and she had wasted no time being careful around her. Cara had sat next to her when they were eating sweets, she had been singing the loudest for her birthday songs. They had become friends within a few minutes, and just a week later, when Cara had her birthday, they had promised to be best friends forever.

Only Olivia was close to breaking that promise. They still were best friends, and even now with the crowd in front of her, Olivia could easily spot Cara near the entrance of the tent. Their eyes locked as Cara smirked, before she started doing a little wiggly dance. Olivia held her hand before her face when she giggled, trying not to catch unwanted attention.

Cara always made her laugh. No matter how boring a town meeting was, Cara had a way to make it fun. As kids she would secretly make the ugliest dolls out of wood and leaves (one time there had been a worm on one) and she would hold them up high from the back of the tent whenever Olivia was looking. The entire town would smile when the two girls giggled behind their hands, heads stuck together in secrecy. Everyone knew them as best friends, and everyone was happy for them. So why was Olivia ruining all that?

She wished she would still see Cara as her best friend, her partner in crime, someone she could share everything with. And she did. Only she felt more.

Olivia had realized on a cold winter morning when they were 17. Cara had slept in her room, the two of them huddled together for more warmth. They had joked and laughed through most of the night until they’d finally fallen asleep. And when Olivia woke up to find Cara still sleeping right next to her, she had known. The sunlight had fallen on Cara’s face and when she opened her eyes, they had sparkled, making it impossible for Olivia to turn away. They had looked at each other for a while, neither of them saying a word, until Cara had moved her hand to brush a strand of hair from Olivia’s face. Her fingers had run along her cheek, softly and slowly. There had been no one else but Cara, her sparkly eyes, her tingling touch.

The moment had passed but Olivia had wanted to tell her, tell everyone, how she felt. She had to say how much she liked Cara and she was going to. Until that same day, just a few hours later, she had seen a boy her age confess his love to someone. Olivia hadn’t meant to spy, she had been to the woods to find the wildflowers Cara liked so much, when she heard his voice. Nervous and shaky, yet so full of emotion. She had almost teared up, hoping for nothing more than the other person liking him back. She had been surprised when she heard the laughter. Slowly, she had peeked around a tree to get a better look.

Two boys had stood in between the trees, one of them with a face flushed red, the other holding his hands tightly. The laughter hadn’t come from them. There were other kids, some of them Olivia knew from her classes, others she hadn’t seen before. They had laughed and whistled, coming closer and closer. The two boys had backed up a little, their hands clasped together. Olivia had been scared, she had been close to just running away. It wasn’t until one of the approaching kids picked up a stick and held it high in both their hands, that Olivia understood. They wanted to hurt those boys. For some sick reason, they wanted nothing else than to see them in pain. And when they started running and screaming, the light left Olivia.

She had tried catching up to them, tried to yell at the other kids to stop but she was engulfed in darkness. No words would leave her mouth, and while she was running, she knew she wasn’t getting any closer to the two boys. Olivia had followed the kids out of the woods to a heavy flowing river, saw the boys jump in, heard the others cheering. She had felt sick, her knees had given in, and she had sunk to the ground. Long after the others had left to get back to the village, Olivia stayed, crawling closer to the river with tears streaming down her face, hoping she would see the boys emerge from the cold water any second. She stared ahead, seeing the river flow into the distance. Her tears had stopped but she felt empty. The sun had started setting and Olivia knew she had to get home before the dark or she wouldn’t find her way. As she got up and turned to leave, she had taken one last glance at the water far away. She had squinted, seeing someone climb out of the river. It had been too far for her to make out whether it was one of the boys, but when a second figure emerged, she had smiled, finally making her way home. The boys had never come back, but Olivia hoped she would one day find them again just to see that they were okay.

One her way home, Olivia had decided she wouldn’t tell Cara. She had been too scared, and even now she still was. Barely a day had passed, where Olivia hadn’t thought of the two boys, holding hands while running to safety, when they should have been safe here.

It had happened almost three years ago, and things had changed a little since then. The chasing kids had received a punishment and they had become better people, but still they scared Olivia. Whenever she saw one of them in the village, she tried to walk past quickly, not making eye contact. She had feared her feelings, feared being herself for three years and now she felt something else.

Anger. Olivia was angry. Seeing Cara, wanting to tell her how she felt, but knowing people would hate her if she did. She imagined the disapproving stares she would get from all around, and her anger grew. Olivia wasn’t perfect, no one was. She had flaws – she was impatient, couldn’t carry a polite conversation for long – but loving Cara wasn’t one of them.

So, Olivia stood, forgetting about the town meeting, and stomped to the back of the tent. The people around her had fallen silent, even her father up front had stopped talking. She felt their looks, questioning, confused, but she didn’t care anymore. Maybe she would regret this later, maybe it all would work out fine. Now there was only this moment.

Olivia reached Cara and stopped. Her words caught in her throat. Cara looked at her, her eyebrows raised. The sunlight was shining in through the entrance behind her and Olivia saw the light. She could feel the warmth of the sun from here.

She would tell Cara. She would tell her now. Olivia stretched out her hand, her fingers softly touching Cara’s. Their eyes met and everything was bright. Olivia’s heart pounded against her chest as she waited. Then, she felt Cara’s hand in hers.

Their fingers intertwined as Olivia pulled Cara out into the sunlight, her next words already on her lips.