See You At Snowfall

“It won’t be long,” I told him while avoiding eye contact. 

Murmurs of George Harrison’s ‘All Things Must Pass’ from the car radio, and Elijah’s shallow breaths, where the only sounds. We sat in a dirtied cream sedan, parked up next to an empty gas station exactly fifteen miles from our hometown. It was 4:35 in the morning and the soft breeze was strong enough to blow fallen strands of hair across my cheeks. But, not heavy enough to cool down my body, and conscience, from Elijah’s scorching gaze. Sun rays had begun to pierce through the trees as the eerie blue of night sky transformed into a soft peach colour. A piece of me felt dread once light hit the windshield of the car. The only moments I’d ever spent with Elijah were after sunset when the rest of the world fell deep into slumber. When Annie, his girlfriend, was asleep. When my wrongdoings, my selfishness, could hide within dark shadows. 

“I can’t come with you,” he says, his eyes planted to my temple. 

“I know, I haven’t asked you to come with me, Eli.”  

I didn’t want him with me but I also haven’t been honest. I’ve led him to believe my feelings are deeper than what they are. Allowed him to ponder over the notion that I dislike being the ‘other woman’. When in fact I prefer it. My spontaneous decision to jet off to Italy happened without any doubt. Without any thought of Elijah or his feelings. Especially, void of any invitation for anyone. I’m not one for settling, and if I were, it wouldn’t be with Elijah.  

“If you hold on a little longer I’ll leave her. Then we can go wherever-whenever.” His offer makes a grimace take over my features. Guilt claws at my tightened throat. My eyes focus in on dark blue hues disappearing beyond the sky, wishing I could accompany them far away from this moment. Bringing my gaze back to the golden star, refusing to pity me and my poor decisions, my eyes roll as it shines. A beam of light causing my swollen berry lips to glow, exposing the only evidence there is of Elijah’s love and adultery.

“Eli, I don’t want you to leave Annie. Not for me.” I admit. My words are strained and I awkwardly fumble with my fingers. Lying to his face, telling him I’m in love with him that’s why I have to leave, enters my head only to flee at the realisation I’ll never be able to say those words to another-ever. 

“Just ask me and I will…for us I’ll do anything.” He says reaching for one of my clenched fists. My eyelids squeeze in slight irritation. His begging causing ruthless insults to build from the back of my throat, not yet ready to escape. 

“I won’t ask you anything other than to stay with Annie…the one who will love you. Eli-.” My body spins to finally face his watering eyes. With the intensity of his face, my heart pounds in fright. “Listen, I don’t want you the way Annie wants you…I don’t want you how I think you might want me.” Both my palms enveloped the pair of his to deliver my confession with a little ease. It does fuck all because his rage has him tightening his hold. His brows darken his eyes until the gleam of adoration is missing from sight. 

“You’re a selfish bitch.” He decided with a nod of his head and drop of my hands.

“I know.” I agreed in a blasé tone. This time it's him who turns his focus towards the rising sun. Clenching his jaw, his hands squeezing his thighs, trying his best not to spill any more abusive slurs. 

“When will you be back?” Never.

“Probably when the snow begins to fall.” I lie refusing to bite back at him for calling me a bitch. 

We hadn’t been doing this for long. I suppose I enjoyed the chase and sheer dishonesty of sneaking around with Eli. In the beginning, I didn’t care for Annie’s feelings, Eli’s, or even my own. It was a struggle to mind what others would think if they found out. Although I’ve gotten myself in deeper than I originally planned, still the fling has become an inconvenience at most. Elijah’s fingers wrapped around my bare knee and his fingernails left crescent moons across the skin. I knew what he wanted, how he wanted it, why he wanted it. Yet, for once doubt bubbled at the pit of my stomach. 

“One last time?” He asks inpatient enough to start undressing before hearing my answer. With windshields steamed up and the radio volume at its highest, Eli and I finished our affair. No tears shed. No bellows of objection. Only whispers of sweet pleasure.

It was the night of Christmas Eve when I heard from the old lover. I had spent the morning watching the winter sky dare to snow from a coffee shop window. Wondering around the local market in search of Christmas dinner ingredients. Afternoon time consisted of strolling through the lit-up parks in the rain, arriving home in the evening to settle on the couch with an Italian Christmas movie on the television. Twenty minutes into the movie and six sips of hot chocolate, the telephone rang from the table beside me. My hand was steady as I answered. My voice lacked insecurity while the one coming from the phone quivered in angst. 

“Hello May”

“Elijah? How did you get this number?” I asked immediately. We had mutual friends, a handful earning my phone number. The idea of Eli asking around for it sent waves of irritation throughout my body. 

“Does it matter?” He answered bitterly. Even though months had passed, I could read him like a book. The prolonging of his s’s and the lack of pronunciation with his t’s was the giveaway-he was drunk. Possibly, at one of our friends annual Christmas Eve parties. Maybe, drowning in cheap ale and self-pity on his own kitchen floor. Either way, I knew his temper had snapped and I was going to hear of how much he despised me. 

“Well, I guess not. Is there something you wanted?” I sighed. 

“You know…it’s been snowing now for a couple days.” He informs me but pauses for a painful twenty seconds before carrying on. “When it first snowed I laughed- fucking danced with delight in hope of you returning home. How silly was I.” The answer to his rhetorical question was scraping at my cheeks to leave my mouth, but knowing he was intoxicated and I was unbothered I kept quiet. “Tell me what it was. Did I not offer to leave Annie enough times? Is there some sort of past trauma that made you into the cold bitch you are?” 

“Elijah, where is Annie?” I ask in defeat. 

“Answer my fucking question”

“Which one?” I know I’m playing with his feelings. Taunting him some more as if it would make me feel better or change the situation at all. The angel on my shoulder repeatedly reprimands me for being such an indifferent cow, yet the devil on the other encourages me to push a little harder. 

“You never loved me?” He cried. Sniffles and sobs punctured my ear through the phone and my chest ached with second-hand embarrassment. 

“No,” I answered in the softest tone I’ve ever used. Before I could ask if he was okay, or even suggest he sobers up, the phone hangs up and I’m left with the foreign words of the television. The cable knit sweater clings to my body as I leave the warmth of my living room. Shuffling through the dining room, out the back door, I look out to the lake. Glitter sprinkled along the surface from the moons tender touches. The water is still and peaceful, just enough to erase Elijah from my memory. Droplets fall down my cheeks and I swipe them away with a smile, looking to the sky to see the bud of snowfall.