Tainted blood

After years of mental abuse, I knew it was time. As I watched the blood flow down my arms, I knew that it was time, taking my anger out on myself was no longer an option. She was killing me without even physically touching me, each cut represented her vile words. After eighteen years I knew that it was time to cut all ties. She begged me to stay, promised that she would never hurt me again. She told me that she loved my and that she was truly sorry; “Look what you love did to me.” I shoved my newly badged arm in him face. “I don’t think I can take anymore of your love.” I stormed out and slammed the door in her face, I was finally free on that wretched woman or so I thought. Even though I was no longer living under her roof she found other ways to torment me, my aunt would nag me constantly about giving her another chance. “Your mother is just lost right now, you need to help her find the way.” My blood would boil every time I heard those words. My grandmother would tell me; “You must respect her because she is your mother, she gave birth to you and that should be enough.” Almost every single one of my family members turned me away, thinking if I had no were to go that I would return back home, what they didn’t realize that I would rather die on the streets then go back to that tyrant. Finally my uncle let me stay with him and his family, I tracked him down on Face Book my mother forbid me from talking to him, claiming that he was mentally ill and very toxic. She would tell me horrible stories and their childhood, I never believed a single word. 

 I am finally living for myself, seeing a councillor twice a week. He has my doing self reassurance exercises, at first I thought they where dumb but after a while I realized that I was a great person. My uncle and his wife helped me with that, every night they would have me stand in front of the mirror and say five things positive about myself and after a while I began to believe it. 

 Over the next few years I managed to graduate from University with honours and became a social worker, I wanted to help kids that where in the same situation. To reassure them know that even though life looks bleak it wasn’t always going to be that way. I even fostered a few children until they were mentally ready for new families. My mother tried to contact me first by email and then she tried to show up and my door, each time I turned her away. She was much older and frail but still had the same soulless eyes. I came to far to start going backward, I felt bad I can’t lie. Anyone with a heart would feel pain turning there parents away, but the scars were a consistent reminder why I could not have her in my life. 

Fast forward to a few years later, I met the most amazing man at a conference that I attending with my a couple of my coworkers. He was the key note speaker at the conference, after his speech he took the time to answer the millions of questions that I had and the rest was history, we started seeing each other on weekends which was difficult because I lived five hours away, so of course when the opportunity for a transfer came up I jumped on it. The fact that he was boss didn’t really seem to bother me one bit. Also being able to move a great distance from my mother was an added bonus. I continued to take in foster child, preparing them for adoption. It was very trying at times but the fact that I could relate to these children helped a great deal. My husband was a big support which made it a lot easier as well. Jake and I even adopted a couple children, most people are looking for babies or really young children so when fifteen year old Amy and twelve year old Megan came to use we took them in with open arms and began the adoption paperwork right away. These children had never been to school and where so broken, Jake and knew they would have gotten lost in the system if there where placed anywhere else. Every birthday, Christmas and thanksgiving my uncle and his family would come down to make sure the girls had a big family get together, my mother would write to me begging to come see the girls claiming that she would be a much better grandmother then she was a mother to me. My uncle told me that it was up to me but he strongly  advised against it, taking his advise I wrote my mother a long winded letter explaining why she is never going to see me or any of her grandchildren. She continued to write me begging me to forgive her, when I began pregnant with twins I told my uncle that he was not to say anything to my mother because the last thing I need was the added stress and aggravation. When my two beautiful baby girls came into the world I vowed to love them with every fibre of my being and that on was every going to hurt them, I know that I was wrong of me to make a promise like that but I full intended to keep that promise. And as the grew from children into young women Jake and I told them every day how beautiful and intelligent they are are. We taught them love and compassion, their father and I also taught them that there was people in this world that would do what ever it takes to make them feel worthless and try to drag them down, family or not toxic is toxic.