Dreams under Stars

August 1997

It always seemed like such a vast universe, looking up at the stars. During the day, you just have thoughts rushing through your mind, never really thinking about the world, just the present. What flavor of ice cream you're going to get, what store you want to go to next, when you should hit the beach. It's when you look up at the empty night time sky when you really let your mind rest from the hustle and bustle of the day's events. You just think.

I finished washing my plate, a fragile white one with small flowers on the edges Grandma had gotten us last year. From the living room, Eoin was spinning around with Alivia, shrieking happily. I set my plate on the dish rack to dry, and smoothed out my pink and white striped tank top. Alivia set Eoin down on the sandy tile floor, letting out a deep breath. Eoin smiled happily and ran to me, a small green truck in his tiny pale hand.

"Hi, Eoin!" I said, placing a smile on my face. He shrieked with delight, and then ran back to Amanda. I thought about rolling my eyes but didn't. One year old's have strange thinking patterns.

I slipped on my black Nike flip flops and opened the white front door. It was 9:30 at night, and the sun had set over the West Bay, leaving only a thin streak of colors behind. Lavallette, New Jersey is tiny, just a thin island, so you could look East and West and see water on both sides. My sister Dina was outside, sipping a Sprite as she shuffled through the blue bag of sand toys laying on our concrete patio.

Dina nodded toward be as I slipped her a quick hello, before I took a seat on a wicker hair with fluffy beige cushions on it. I looked to my right and saw the dark boardwalk, and the high sand dunes that blocked the view of the ocean (much to my mother's disappointment). But it was still comforting knowing it's there.

I tilted my head back so it lay on the top of the cushion, and looked at the stars. The universe is so vast and large. It makes one think of how small they really are.

I heard Dina go back inside, leaving me alone in the night. I listened hard for the sounds of crashing waves, but none came to me. I never knew noises in the distance can be drowned out by absolute silence. It was...peaceful. For the first time in a while.

My green eyes danced across the sky, darting from one area of the galaxy to the next. My eyes landed on the North Star, the brightest in the sky. I smiled, thinking of the time Mom and I had watched Cinderella together, back when I was five, I think. How did the song go again?

Make....a wish...upon, a star..........makes no difference where you are....when....you wish upon a star, your dreams..come...true.

I ran through the song in my head, refreshing the lyrics in my brain. I gazed at the star longingly, wishing that were true. Mom used to tell me to wish upon stars. I grew out of that. But now, in this moment, I wasn't really thinking about what I'd grown out of. I closed my eyes, letting the faint salty smell of the ocean fill my nostrils, and made a wish.

I wish Mom could come back to me.

Then I opened my eyes.

I took one last glance at the glorious night sky, before I got up from my chair and walked back inside.

July 2000

Aunt Stacey had me take a job at the Sand Dollar Diner four blocks away-weekdays from ten to three. It's a nice little restaurant, very busy in the mornings. I always go for my shift and hit the beach afterward. Nothing like splashing in the water for a few hours after a shift at the diner. But the beach was a while away. My shift didn't end in two hours.

I grabbed a silver tray housing three plates of lunch for table 6 and walked over there. There is a Grandma and two kids fighting at the table. I set down their orders and was about to turn around when the elderly lady stopped me. "Megan!" she boomed, pasting a smile on her dark wrinkled face. I turned, puzzled.

"Sorry, excuse me?" I asked, confusion spilling over my face.

"Oh!" the women looked taken aback. "You're not Megan Houseir?"

I turned pale, the name setting off an alarm in my brain. I hurriedly pushed a stray hair behind my ear, getting slightly uncomfortable.

"Oh!! Um, no, she's my mother. I'm Meladia Houseir," I explained.

"Ahh! I knew you looked like her!!! I didn't know Megan had a daughter!!!" the women smiled, then shook her head. "I'm sorry. Allow me to introduce myself! I'm Kalaina Barnes. I was your mother's best friend in college. Go Bobcats!" she exclaimed happily, pumping her fist in the air. The several chunky bracelets on her wrist clanked down to her elbow in one colorful bounce. I smiled weakly.

"So, honey, how is your mom? You look just like her!" Kalaina noted. I watched her grandkids flee from the table to go look at the cakes at the counter, growing nervous. As I processed her question, realization spread through me. I inhaled sharply and met Kalaina's kind eyes.

"Umm....my mom died four years ago. She was diagnosed with breast cancer," I answered, rubbing the back of my neck. Kalaina let out a small gasp.

"Oh....I am SO sorry, Meladia. I had no idea..." she trailed off. "I'm sorry for your loss. Megan was a great friend, and no doubt a great mother too," she smiled sympathetically at me and squeezed my bare shoulder. I whispered a raspy thank you and looked at my shoes.

"Please, sit," Kalaina pressed, gesturing to the now empty seat across from her. I slid into the booth and gave Kalaina my attention.

"I'm terribly sorry once again!! Your mother was amazing. She actually used to work here in college! I lost touch with her shortly after we graduated.

"She was always doing her schoolwork on break, in that little booth over there, sipping a strawberry milkshake heavy on whipped cream," Kalaina smiled at the memory. "Before tests, I'd sometimes come over and quiz her. She had a mind as sharp as a blade, Megan did. Maybe it was the Russian gene in her."

I suddenly choked on those words. "Mom was Russian?" I asked, dumbfounded. I knew a bit of the language, but I was a beginner.

Kalaina said yes, clarifying. She noted that Mom went to Russia a few times in college, and actually met my Dad there.

"But Mom said she and Dad met in Germany," I responded.

"Oh! That was because they didn't see each other again after her trip for three years! They met again in Germany, Harold was working as an accountant!" Kalaina clarified, beaming. I opened my mouth in awe. This women was telling me things about my mother I never even knew.

"Well, this is making me feel..closer now, I guess," I expressed, unsure of the emotions I was feeling.

Kalaina grinned. "Yes, your mother was amazing. In fact, speaking of Russia, have you seen her diary? The first part of it is written in Russian! She tricked me and said I could read the first few pages after I rescued her hamster from the garbage disposal. Who understood Russian in the 60's?"

"Mom kept a diary?!?" I was being showered with new information about my deceased mother. It was kind of amazing. I picked at my beaded bracelets happily, longing for more.

Kalaina looked down at my wrist and smiled. "You really are your mother's daughter!!" she proclaimed, lifting her hands into the air. "Megan waited here at Sand Dollar, she looked like you, and loved wearing homemade bracelets!" Kalaina gestured to the jewelry hanging from my wrists. "There is so much you have in common with your mother!"

I blushed at the realization. Kalaina was right. Mom used to always wear creative friendship bracelets and hand made jewelry. She loved that kind of stuff. There was more to my mother than I thought.

Kalaina's grandchildren began getting rowdy. She signed and turned toward me, her smiled wrinkling her face. "I'm sorry, Meladia, I must go. I have to face life. But you go on. Remember your mom, darling. She was a wonderful person, I had high hopes for her future. And clearly," Kalaina winked at me, "She turned out well. Look at the girl she has raised!"

I blushed, grinning. I felt tears sting my eyes, but fought them back. "Thank you," I muttered in a hushed tone. Kaladia reached across the table to touch my shoulder. "Don't thank me, darling," she released her grip and sat back down.

I brushed off my striped apron, and stood up. "It has been wonderful meeting you," I told Kalaina. She nodded.

I turned and brushed a tear from my eye. "Meladia!" Kalaina suddenly called. I quickly turned to face her again. "Is your mom's desk still with you?" she asked. I nodded. "Look under the desk, behind the bottom drawer."

I bit my lip, unsure of this request, but nodded. I smiled weakly one more time and waved to Kalaina before finally walking into the kitchen and out of sight.

* * *

There was a pocket taped to the back of the drawer. In it was Mom's diary.

I spent the night outside reading the non-Russian parts. I felt my mother's spirit in every page, and hadn't been happier in a long time. I was becoming closer to Mom. I knew she wasn't coming back. But this was her in every page.

The night was dark, and I read with a flashlight. The stars glimmered above me as I grew tired and closed the leather bound book, setting it on a wicker footrest beside me.

I leaned my head back, thinking wandering thoughts: of my mother, of my life, of happiness. Stars do that to you. They let you pause and feel peace, let you think and smile.

I turned my head to the side and saw the North star, light years away in the night sky.

A moment popped into my mind. Of myself on this chair, three years ago, making a wish on the North star. For Mom to come back to me.

The song lyrics from that Cinderella song also became caught in my mind as I looked at the beautiful sky. This world was a treasure chest, and the stars were the most valuable jewels.

Make a wish....upon a star.....makes no difference where you are......when....you wish upon a star, your dreams....come...true...

I smiled at the line, and glanced down at Mom's diary. There was so much about her that I had just learned and was going to learn. Kalaina and this book had connected me to a woman of great proportions-as a friend, a wife, an explorer, but most of all, as a mom. This day had brought me closer to Mom than I'd ever been since she passed.

I looked at the stars and smiled. So maybe dreams do come true after all.