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Funny Happy Contemporary

I always wanted to be a blues singer, but there was one problem. I was happy. I had my own home, two cars in the garage, three lovely kids, and a beautiful wife. I had a wonderful life! What more could I ask for? I’ll give you a clue. A great blues singer I knew by the name of Blind Lemon Pledge once said, “Love makes you blind, but marriage, it’s an eye opener.” No wiser words were ever spoken.

Last Saturday, for instance. It was a warm sunny day and I decided to go golfing. I put on my golfing clothes and loaded up the trunk of my car with my clubs, shoes, golf balls, tees, and my lucky golfing hat. Everything was loaded, and I was going to have a wonderful day.

I was about to close the trunk and drive away, when, my wife stepped into the garage and asked, “Where do think you’re going?” As usual, her timing was impeccable. Had she walked in thirty seconds later, I would have been gone.

Well, being the man in the house, I was going to foot my foot down and tell her how I felt. I pulled my shoulders back, looked directly in her eyes and said, “Women, I’m going to put this stuff in the garage and when I’m done, I’m going to find out what you want me to do today.”

If you ask why I didn’t argue with her, I’ll tell you. I’m a man, and it’s impossible for a man to win an argument with a woman. You see, a man argues in the moment, but a woman, she prepares for an argument. My wife is no exception. Her memory of my past discretions ranges from wetting my pants in second grade to changing the channel from her favorite TV show last night. Emails, jokes, even mismatched clothes were part of her armory. When she finally finishes reciting all my faults, she asks, “Well, what do you have to say for yourself?”

“I love you?”

I love my wife, because she makes the rules, but they only apply to me. If she wants to visit her friends, she just ups and leaves without telling me. When she does this, I get scared. I don’t know what to do if she’s not there to tell me. What should I wear? There’s no food. I can’t see any of my friends since she's not there to give me permission to leave. If I try to call her, she just tells me, “What? I’m with my friends right now. You know I don’t like to be bothered when with them.”

On those days I do get to go out, I golf with my friends, and I can guarantee you she will call me before the fifth hole, and it will be something stupid. “Hello, honey? I’m playing golf. Don’t you remember? You gave me permission. You want to play a DVD? (Heh, heh) No, I’m not laughing at you. Can you wait until I get home? Of course. That’s right. Who needs to hang out with friends? Press the TV Input button. The TV Input button. On the remote. The remote. No, I’m not yelling at you. Yes. No. No. No. Hey, give me a chance to talk. You asked me for help. Hello? Hello?”

We had an argument.

She won.

I love my wife. I wouldn’t give her up for anything. She’s the most knowledgeable person I know. In fact, she saved my life. When we met in college, I took her out for a romantic date at McDonalds. I ordered two double cheeseburgers, a large order of fries, and two apple pies. When I presented this feast to the love of my life, she just stared at me.

“You know if you keep eating like this, you’ll be dead in a year,” was all she said.

Without taking a bite, she marched out the door with me following behind. Ten minutes later, we were sitting at Tofu John’s ordering Kentucky Boiled Tofu, and a vegetarian salad smothered with crispy tofu croutons. Then for dessert, we had Tofu Krispies dipped in honey.

As we walked the door, she said, “I thought that was a wonderful meal. What do you think?”

It was the first, but by far not the last time I said, “Yes dear.” But like I said, she saved my life. If I kept eating at McDonald’s, I would have been dead within a year. In retrospect, I’m sure she was filing this memory away for a future argument.

I love my wife. I know this because she says I do. I’m a standup comedian by trade, and needless to say, my wife has problems socializing with her friends because of this. I came home one day to find her pouting on the couch staring at a blank screen on the TV. Being either brave or stupid, I asked, “What’s wrong honey.”

Her eyes glowed red as she prepared to give me the laser-eye treatment. She blurted out, “Danielle’s husband is a lawyer, Sharon’s husband is an accountant, and Sarah’s husband is a doctor. So, tell me. What do you do?”

I sat down next to her, patted her on the back, and without thinking, I said, “Honey, I make fun of those guys.”

We had an argument.

She won.

I love my wife. We’ve been married for about a long time, and I wouldn’t dare love anyone else. We do have some traditions in our relationship. One of them is a game she plays with me each morning. It’s called, “What mood am I in today?” I’ve never won that game.

There was one game I won at. One night we were driving back from North Dakoda, and my wife had been sleeping for about six hours. So, being a standup comic, I decided to wake her up, comedian style. It was pitch-black outside and pulled up in front of a tree. I turned on the bright lights and screamed at the top of my lungs, “AHHHHHH!”

We had an argument.

She won.

So, to answer the question, "What more could I ask for?" The answer is nothing, for my loving wife is all I need.

March 07, 2023 17:11

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1 comment

Howard Seeley
04:26 Mar 09, 2023

My funny bone is humorous, just like my submission. Enjoy.


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