Alone

Mental health, death.

Her husband, Jim, lie dying in his hospital bed. He slowly took his wife’s hand in his and smiled.  “Maria, it will be all right.  You’re strong, you will get through this.”  He closed his eyes again.  He didn’t have much strength left in him and his breathing was shallow.

“No Jim, I can’t get through this, not without you.  We always said we can get through anything together…not alone! Please Jim, don’t leave me.”

Tears streamed down her face.  The thought of being alone terrified her.  She had been with Jim for almost forty years, two thirds of her life.  At the age of 61, she didn’t know how to be alone.  They couldn’t have children, and she didn’t have any family left. Now, without Jim, she would be totally alone.

Maria held on tight to Jim’s hand pulling it close to her heart. 

He opened his eyes and whispered, “I will always love you, Maria.”  His hand went limp, his breathing stopped, and he died.

“No!  Come back to me Jim!  Don’t leave me! Come back to me!”

Maria collapsed on top her husband’s lifeless body.  

“Jim don’t leave me!  I need you!”  

Sobs wracked her body.  The nurses ran in as soon as the heart monitor alarm went off.  They gently pulled Maria away and sat her down in a chair.

“Code Blue, Room 211.  Code Blue Room 211.”  The charge nurse calmly said into the intercom.  

The night doctor came in and took Jim’s pulse.  Jim insisted on a DNR, Do Not Resuscitate order on his chart.  He was diagnosed with lung cancer which had metastasized to his brain.  He knew there was no hope.  

“Time of death, 11:12 p.m.”  The doctor pronounced Jim dead, touched Maria by the shoulder, gave his condolences and left the room.  

Maria watched in disbelief as the nurses unplugged Jim from the monitors.  They pulled out the needles from his arm and lay his hands across his chest.  

“Would you like a few moments alone?” the night nurse gently patted Maria’s hand. “We need get the room ready for the next patient.  There’s a backup downstairs in the ER.  You can have a few minutes.”

“Please send up the chaplain.  I want to have The Last Rites for my husband.”  Maria could barely get the words out.

Jim was Catholic and wanted The Last Rites performed over him before he died but Maria could never bring herself to ask for the chaplain to come up.  She didn’t want to accept Jim was going to die.  Guilt came flooding over her, she had broken her promise to him, and she had to make it right.

The nurse drew in her breath, she needed to get this room cleaned and prepped but also knew she needed to be compassionate.

“Of course, I’ll ask him to come up.”  The nurse turned and left the room leaving Maria alone with Jim.

Maria rose and sat in the chair next to Jim’s bed. She noticed his pupils had enlarged; his face was losing color from the lack of blood flow.  She was so badly wanted to shake him and yell, “Wake up!  Stop playing around!”  Instead, she just sat there, stunned in silence.

A young man in casual clothes walked in, “Hello, I’m Father Greg.  I’m so sorry for your loss.  I understand you would like to administer The Last Rites.  Is this your husband?”

Maria heard his words and looked up, “Yes, this is my husband, Jim.”

Father Greg nodded, opened his Bible, took out a rosary, a bottle of Holy Water and began the ritual.  

Maria bowed her head and prayed along with the chaplain.  Tears were streaming down her face and she lightly sobbed.

“I’m so afraid,” Maria whispered to herself.  But it was loud enough for the Chaplain to hear.

“What are you afraid of?”  The Chaplain stopped what he was doing and sat down next to her.  

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Being alone. I don’t have anyone now.  Jim was my life, my heart, my soulmate.  What am I going to do?”  Maria tears and cries grew more shrill.  She began to hyperventilate and grew dizzy.

“I’m alone!” she screamed at the chaplain. “Don’t you understand it, I’m alone!  I have no one!” Maria started shaking all over.  Her eyes darted back and forth, her head started to spin, she felt a heaviness in her chest, and she collapsed.  

She slipped in and out of consciousness.  She remembers the chaplain calling for help.  The nurses and doctors running in, yelling orders for IV push and the shock of the electricity through her body.  The lights from the room grew brighter as people swirled around her, and then nothing more.

She could remember little else from that night. Several months had gone by and her life was still a blur, she was numb to everything.  She doesn’t remember packing the house, or how she even got on the road.  It didn’t matter.  Jim was gone, her heart was heavy, and she didn’t care if she was alive or dead.  

Finally on the road to a new house and a new life.  The drive was long and tiring.  Maria rolled her shoulders back and forth to relieve the stress.

Her two companions in the back seat, Charley her dog, and Muffin her cat, were all she had left in the world.  Every so often a faint “meow” could be heard from the back, but otherwise, they were great travelers, never complaining.

The GPS told her to make a right turn.  She turned into a dirt road, dust kicking up around her car.  Trees loomed over the road casting odd shadows.

“Kinda creepy,” she thought to herself.”  An odd thought crossed her mind.  “This is my final destination.”

Suddenly, a shadow darted out in front of her.  She braked and swerved her car to an abrupt halt.  It happened so fast she didn’t have time to see what it was.  “

“Must have been a deer,” she thought to herself.

“Wow, I really must be tired,” she said to her “kids” as she called them.  She rubbed her eyes and shook her head to clear it.  She checked the GPS to see how much further she had to drive.  1.3 more miles it read.  

She straightened the wheel of the car, and gently pushed on the accelerator with her foot.  She started to drive slowly on the dirt road.  She didn’t want to hit anything and wreck her car.  

Finally, the GPS rang out, “destination on your left.”

A sense of relief came over her.  It felt as if she had been driving forever, 

“We are finally here kids!”

She turned and smiled at them. These two are what kept her going.  If she were gone, who would take care of them?  She had no family left.  Now that Jim was gone, there was no one in her life.  No one who had her back, no one who loved her unconditionally except her loving dog and cat.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw another shadow darting in between the trees.  

“Must be a lot of deer around here,” she remarked to herself.

As she drove up, she noticed the house looked darker than in the online listing.  Foreboding in some sense.  Shadows from the tall trees cast grotesque shapes, constantly moving, almost crawling around the top and side of the house. The shadows reminded her of a picture of lost souls from Dante’s Inferno.  Her shoulders shook from a chill.  She quickly dismissed the thought.

The house was set back from the road as though it was a spider taunting a fly to come closer.  The two large windows, with blinds drawn at an odd angle, appeared to have a menacing stare.  The porch, with its dull broken fence, looked like a toothy grimace. Large stones set down for a walkway led up to the wooden stairs. A pathway to a house, beckoning her to enter. 

There were no neighbors for miles.  The nearest town was almost an hour away.  This was the quiet she was looking for, far away from the noise of the city.  But maybe this was too quiet, too eerie.

She pulled up to the house and turned off the car.  Opening the back door, she unbuckled Charley from his seat and allowed him to run out of the car.  There were no other cars around, no way he would be in any danger if he ran loose.  Then she grabbed the carrier with Muffin in it.  Muffin let out a loud sound.  Half happy, half angry she had been stuck in the carrier for such a long time.

As she slowly climbed the stairs to the house, a feeling of uneasiness came over her. She hesitated before putting the key in the door then opened it.  An acrid odor permeated the air.  Maria winced and suddenly felt nauseous from the smell.  A voice in her head cried out, “Run!  Turn back!  Drive away!” But she knew she couldn’t.  She had nowhere else to go.  

Calling for Charley to come inside, she set the carrier down and opened it.  Muffin slowly walked out, stretching and purring.  Charley came bounding in and stopped dead in his tracks.  He began to bark and growl at the entrance to the living room.  

“What’s up little guy?”  Maria gently picked him and hugged him to calm him down.  “You don’t know where you are, do you?  You don’t understand what’s happening.  It’s okay, I won’t let anything happen to you.”  

She kissed the side of his face and put him down on the floor.  He clung to her as they walked through the house, never leaving her side.

After getting her kids set up with food, water, and a litter box, she began to unload the boxes into the house.  Thankfully, the former owners left her some furniture.  She brought little with her on her cross-country trip.  Muffin and Charley slowly started to check out the house, sniffing and roaming about.

A few hours had gone by, and she decided to take a break.  

She went to her boxes marked “kitchen,” took out her tea kettle, a cup, a box of tea and some napkins. She bought Hostess Cup Cakes, chips, and a sandwich, while getting gas, for snacks.  She would go out and buy groceries in the morning.  She just needed something to get her through the night. 

Maria shivered. A cold breeze swirled around her as though someone was standing behind her.  She quickly turned around and thought she had seen a small shadow run into the living room.

“Hello?  Is anyone there?”

Maybe one of the local boys was curious and came in to see who had moved into the house.

“Come on out.  Hello?!”

She walked into the living but saw no one. She continued her search down the hallway.

“Would you like a cupcake?  I was about to have one.”

Maria walked back into the kitchen expecting to see a child sitting at the table, but there was no one there.

“Hmm, I really must be more tired than I thought.  There’s no one here.”

She went back to the table full of boxes and bags.

She took a cupcake out of the bag and placed it on a napkin. 

Today was her birthday.  

“Happy birthday to me,” she sighed to herself.  

She rummaged through the box she had just unpacked and found a small box of birthday candles.  She took one out and placed it on the cupcake.  She couldn’t find any matches, so she just pretended the candle was lit.

As she carried her tea and cupcake to the sofa, she sang softly to herself.  “Happy birthday to me….”

A wave of sadness washed over her.

“I’m all alone,” she began to cry as she slowly sat down. 

Wham!  The sound of a door slamming shut echoed throughout the house.

“Ahhh, what was that,” Maria screamed.  She shot up out of the sofa.

“Grrrr, ruff, ruff.”  Charley’s fur stood on edge.  Muffin flew into the living room, terrified of whatever made that noise.

“That does it.  Okay boys, that’s enough!  Come out here… now!

Enough playing around.  This is my house!  I want you out!”

Maria angrily stormed through the house looking for the hoodlums that were trying to scare her and her kids.

Slam!  The sound came from the front of the house.

Maria ran to the front and found an empty hallway.

“Little monsters!  She opened the door and screamed into the night.  Stay out of my house or I’m calling the sheriff!”

“I hate kids,” she whispered under her breath.

A shadowy figure stood just beyond the path.

“I see you, you little brat!  Come in here again and I’ll smack you!”

Maria nervously turned and went back inside.  Her hands were shaking as she locked the door behind her.  She leaned on the door and took a deep breath.  

Charley scooted quickly to Maria and tried to jump on her.  

She picked him and held him tight.  

“My nerves are frayed too little one!”

Muffin hissed at the door as Maria scooped her up into her arms too. 

“It’s okay.  I’m here.  No one is going to hurt you.” 

She put them both down on the floor and turned towards the living room and slowly towards the sofa.  Her knees gave out and she collapsed, sitting down with a thud.  

After all she had all been through, for this to happen on her first night in her new house.  

Thirsty from the adrenalin cursing through her veins, she took a sip of tea.  She sat back and closed her eyes, she was exhausted.

She thought about the boys trying to scare and why she hated having children around her.  Then her thoughts grew darker, deeper. Fear gripped her tight.

“This is why I’m alone.  Why I’m being punished! Why I’m going to Hell when I die.”

She closed her eyes and memories flooded back to that tragic night. She remembers laughing and singing along with the radio, feeling happy and a bit drunk. She didn’t mean to hit the boy on the bike.  He was just there.  She had a few drinks celebrating with her co-workers and was afraid to stop.  She already had one DUI against her.  Jim’s cancer was progressing, and she needed to be around to take care of him.  She couldn’t go to jail She couldn’t leave Jim alone.

The boy’s bloody body flew up and over her car, but she kept driving out of fear. She heard a dull thud as the body landed hard on the cement.

Eyes frozen on the road, driving a steady pace so as not to get pulled over by the police for speeding, she cautiously drove home.  

Jim was already asleep when she arrived.  Running into the house and slamming the door behind her, she vowed never to tell anyone what she had done.  The crime she committed.  The boy she had killed.  Not even Jim.  She would take the secret to her grave.

She opened her eyes and shook off the chill running through her.  She looked around for Charley and Muffin to give them a hug she desperately needed to shake off the loathing she had for herself.

“Hey, you two, come out for some cupcake.”  She waited but didn’t hear their paws padding along the floor.  She walked to the kitchen and took a box of dry cat food and shook it.  That always made them run at the sound of food, but nothing, no cat, no dog.  She began to search the house but couldn’t find them anywhere.  She began to panic, “Maybe they got out.  Did I leave the door open?  They don’t know the area yet; they could get lost in the woods.”

Searching for the box that contained a flashlight, she grabbed it quickly, and shined the light as she darted through the house, yelling their names.

“Charley!  Muffin!  Where are you?!”

Her voice becoming shrill with panic.

“Charley!  Muffin!  Here babies!”

She ran outside and screamed their names but heard nothing.  Shining the light on the trees and beyond, she felt as if she were in an abyss of nothingness.  

“Ha ha ha!”  A maniacal laugh came screeching from the house.

“No!  Don’t touch my babies!”  

The front door slammed shut and a shadow could be seen through the windows of the living room.

“Oh my God!  Don’t hurt my babies!  Don’t take them away from me!”

She fell running up the steps to the house.  Flinging the door open she ran into the living room and froze.

A young boy stood, covered in blood, by the mantel piece, sneering at her. Her dog and cat standing guard beside him.

A strange glow surrounded him.  He slowly pointed his finger towards the wall.  

She recognized the boy. It was the same boy she hit and killed.  Fear gripped her as she slowly drew her eyes up above where he pointed.

Words written in fire glistened on the wall above the mantel.

A feeling of dread came over her.  She suddenly froze.  A cold chill ran through her body, terror filled her eyes as she read the words aloud.

“Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here”

“No! No! You can’t be here! You’re dead! I killed you,” Maria screamed at the boy.

Memories came flooding back.  The hospital, Jim dying, her  fainting then a doctor yelling for help, hands pushing in and out on her chest, a white light and then nothing.

“This….this is my punishment for killing you!”

Maria’s mind swirled around like a carousel moving backwards.

“I died!  I died and I’ve gone to Hell!”

Her scream echoed throughout the house, throughout the woods, but no one was there to hear.  

She was all alone.