Regret

You stared down at your feet. It was still hard for you to admit it. Saying the words you had buried for years. If you told Rebecca this, things would change forever. You wouldn't be able to take it back. It would be in the open. You looked back up at her. She was staring at you in confusion. After all, you had brought her to the park in the middle of the night. Telling her "There's something i need to speak with you bout." She had come freely and you knew she would. She loved you. Adored you. She didn't second guess anything. You felt sick at the thought you might lose that once she finds out the real you. She believed in you wholeheartedly and you didn't want to lose that. It made it harder thinking this might be the last time she would love you. The lying for so many years. You had never been honest. You were so wrapped up in your thoughts you did not see it at first. Rebecca had been muttering something. You shook your thought away and pointed your attention towards her. "What was that?" You cringed at the loudness of your voice. She just stared back in your eyes and giggled. "I said I already know what your going to tell me!" She sounded so happy. Her voice low and sweet. You blushed a little bit. She knew? How? "I haven't.. told a soul..." you trailed off. Of course, she knew. You weren't the best liar. You had built this up in your head. You knew she loved you. So, why were you afraid she wouldn't accept you? "You knew this whole time and still loved me?" You let the surprise show in your words. "Yes, and i love you all the more." As she said it, she reached her arms towards you and buried you in a warm hug. You felt more whole in that moment then you had in a long time. She knew your deepest fear. She knew about it and she still loved you. You held her tight back. This was the love of your life. She was willingly to see past your fear and love you endlessly. You broke the embrace a little to soon, but you needed to speak. You stared into her beautiful blue eyes. There had been so many nights you laid awake, thinking about this moment. In very few of the scenarios, it went well. Yet here you were, being held by the women you loved. She hadn't crucified you for lying. She didn't scream and yell and make you wish you had continued to lie. She had accepted your darkest part without even a bat of the eyes. This was the love you had dreamed of so fondly every night. The one you thought you would never have. You had been doing it again, you realized. So caught up in your thoughts as she stood there in confusion. "Oh, sorry. I'm just...happy. The feeling is new. I kept this secret for so long that i refused to allow myself feel anything. I had to stay focused on trying to not be who i really was. " You were rambling on a bit but she didn't seem to mind much. She was watching you with interest as you spoke. Like it was the amazing information in the world. You smiled at her. It was going to be okay now. You didn't have to hide anyone. She was the only one who mattered and she accepted you. "C, I would of been there if you had let me in. I understand why you didn't though. I don't blame you for one second and i promise together we can make up for all the lost time. We will make sure you can enjoy life the way you want, without having to hide it." She had taken a step back from you as she was talking. She turned from you to look at the moon, but held her hand to you. You took it and stood beside her looking at the moon. It made you feel small. It made you feel like your problems were even tinier. You weren't the moon. You were just another person looking at it. You breathed in and let the air out slowly. You were going to be okay. You leaned into her as you staring at the moon. She leaned back into you. Just two people in love who were accepting one another. You felt complete in that moment, like nothing could take this happiness away from you. You had the strength you needed to be free of your secret. You suddenly get an urge and stand up straight from her. You tug at her hand as a "follow me" and wait for her to realize. You both then start towards the woods. You can tell shes a bit confused once again but you smile back at her in reassurance. She smiles back and you can tell her anxiousness subsides. We continue into the woods, barely lit by the moon. You give her hand little squeezes in encouragement once in a while. Finally, you get to where you wanted to take her. Its an old shed. You know shes never been here before. Its all apart of your plan. She knew your secret but still there was still a tiny part that pertained to it, she didn't. You wanted to complete the honesty. You let go of her hand. She stands a bit off and you precede to the shed. You open it, looking around. You find what you want and wrap it in some paper. As you close the door behind you, you see shes still standing there. She looks a little timid, staring at the shed as you emerge. She smiles in relief as she sees you come out finally. You smile big back, hiding the gift behind your back. You watch her eyes lower to your hands behind your back. They abruptly flash up to your face. her tone changes immediately to worry. You wonder why shes worried? Does she not trust you? You watch as she starts stepping back. "Rebecca..come now. You said you understand. I just want to help you understand a little better." You try to make your voice soothing. She cringes nonetheless and you wonder if she lied about knowing your secret. "I...uhm." She starts the sentence and you take a step forward, realizing shes going to run before you can explain. You were right unfortunately. She takes off in that moment. You unravel the paper and reveal the knife. You realize she never understood. She never did. She never deserved you. You take your time as you watch her start running, her panic setting in. You take the knife finally before shes out of sight and reel back. You fling it towards her. It hits it mark and smashes into her skull. You sigh. You knew it would hit its mark. Always does. You make your way to her fallen corpse. You rip the knife from it, uncaring. You lean down and kiss her. She lied but you forgive her. You look back at the moon. You smile at it like you always do after a kill. You sigh and start whistling. You waited years for the acceptance. Rebecca was your favorite. You sigh again. Perhaps, the regret was better.