The Voices Within

 First day of school again. This year I’m determined. I will get to campus and I will get out of the car and go into the classroom and take a seat and wait, wait for the students to come in, wait for the professor to start going over the syllabus. This is my year. It has to be. It is. I compel myself to believe nothing but the fact that this is my year.

That’s what you think. Ha, what an idiot!

I am not an idiot and I am quite frankly done listening to you. I’ve worked in therapy for too many years to deal with you.  So what?  I might be older than the rest of these college freshmen, it doesn’t matter. I’m not here to socialize, I’m here for school and that’s it.

What a loser. Of course, you’re old. You are so old because you don’t do anything. Your entire life is an endless cycle of regrets. You fail to act. You’re risk-averse. You’re lazy and unmotivated and a waste. Why are you even doing this?

 Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this? I’m doing this to get an education. I’m doing this to better myself. I am doing this because I am pushing myself to be better and do better, no matter what. This is what I want, this is good for me.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just go home and quit? I mean, it’s what you do best. You always quit when things get too hard. No one is forcing you to do this, there are many other options that are easier, just face it this is a mistake. You are making a mistake!

This is not a mistake. I want this. This is my future. This is good for me, a step in the right direction. I am going to get my business degree and start my company. It’s all going to pan out. I can see it. I just need to do this, and everything will fall into place.

Fall into place? Like it did before? How many times have things fallen into place for you Hayden? You know how many times you’ve hoped and hung all your ideals on someone or something and yet you are in the exact same spot you were 5 years ago. You will be stuck living at home with your dad for the rest of your life. You should just get used to it. You don’t have what it takes to be out here, in the real world. You are broken, remember?

I am not broken, I am anxious, I tend to cry more than most people and I don’t have any friends at the moment but that doesn’t mean I’m broken…I have lived like a shut-in for the past 5 years. Oh God! What if you’re right. No wait, you can’t be right. I am right. You are not real. Just a voice in my head. I control you, not the other way around. I can do this. This time is different. I promise. I paid for all my classes myself to ensure that I go to each and every one. That’s what I intend to do.

There is no other option.

Or is there? You know how you get. Just one second in that classroom and you’ll wish you had never left home. I know you better than you know yourself. It’s unnecessary to put yourself out there, you know what happened last time you did that. That is the reason you don’t have friends anymore. You made a fool of yourself. You do remember, right? You thought you would be bold and talk to that guy who you thought liked you. Turns out that was a prank that you fell right into. You are so stupid to believe that anyone would want you. I mean, really. I don’t mean to be mean but, you are special and not necessarily in a good way. You have so many problems that you don’t even notice anyone when they do try to be nice to you. Most likely out of pity, of course. I don’t even know why you try. You tried, you put yourself out there with Serena and her friends remember? You thought they were so nice. Then, they turned on you, I tried to warn you but, you said it’s different this time. Remember? People suck. I tell you this all the time but then you go and defy me and go try to connect only to fall flat on your face. Guess what? You deserve it. I am your only friend. I am here to protect you. I am here to help you so you don’t continue going through life looking like a fool like your mom always predicted you would be.

No, no you won’t make me cry. I am stronger than this. I am stronger than words, I am stronger than all these negative thoughts. Deep breath in and out. In and out. Alright, one step at a time. Turn on the car. Turn on the radio. Drown you out with music.

Ok, I’m here. Deep breath in and out. Oh God. I’m sweating, I’m panicking.

Me again. Are you sure you want to go through with this? I mean it’s not worth making you feel this horrible.

I’m gonna pass out. I think I’m gonna throw up. I don’t feel good. Maybe I should go home.

No. No, you’re getting in my head again. I can do this. Just one foot in front of the other. I can do this. I can get out of the car.

Alright, I’m out of the car. I can walk to the building, right? Yes, I will walk to the building. I have plenty of time. Deep breath. Just one small step at a time. Look around nothing is threatening. It’s a nice quiet campus. Everyone looks nice and inviting. No one knows you here, you can be whoever you want to be. Your past is in the past. Just breathe.

Now, I’m at the building. My heart is racing. I can do this, just breathe. This is going to be my year. It’s simple, just one step at a time. Nothing else matters. I can do this. What time is it?

I have 20 minutes before class starts. I’m fine.

You look like an idiot, who shows up to a college class 20 minutes early?

Would you shut up? I’m not listening to you anymore.

Way to stand out like a sore thumb. I mean you are only drawing attention to yourself now. You are already at a disadvantage since you should’ve graduated from college at this point and here you are starting now at 23. How pathetic.

I’m not listening to you. I did what I had to do. It’s no thanks to you. I will not have my anxiety ruin my life anymore. I have overcome so much, and nothing can make me feel bad about that.

Fine, if you don’t need me just try and get through today without me! See how far you get.

Challenge accepted. I’ve made it this far.

Oh, God. It's 11:15. Five minutes until class starts. I have to go in now. I’m going to go in. Deep breath. You got this. You are about to change your life. You are amazing Hayden.

Okay, go in now. Keep your head down. Okay, now go to the back row. Good, now sit and just take it all in. You’re in college. You did it. I’m so proud of you. Anxiety won’t get in my way any longer.

The professor is here. Okay, hopefully, they will just call attendance and then move on to the syllabus. Please no introductions, Please no introductions!

Dammit, alright we are doing introductions. This is okay, just going around the room and answering three questions. What were the three questions again? I have to come up with my answers now, so I don’t look stupid when she gets to me. Okay, there are 10 people in front of me if she goes around that way but only two if she goes around this way. Please go around the long way. I haven’t rehearsed the answers in my head yet.

Dammit, she went the short way and I’m next. Just say what the guy in front of you said. Okay, what are my answers? He sounded so confident. I’m gonna sound so dumb. Just breathe. I’ll write them down. My name, year and what I hope to get out of this class. I don’t know what I hope to get out of this class other than the fact that I want to get out of this classroom, immediately. Just breathe.

Crap! They are staring at me. What are my answers?

Hi, my name is Hayden, I’m a freshman and I’m hoping to get business knowledge out of this class.

Everyone is laughing. That wasn’t supposed to be funny. Oh,God. What did I do? I messed up again.

No, I don’t care to elaborate. Why would you ask me that? I gave you my answer. Stop trying to coax more out of me. No. I’m just gonna say no. Uh oh. Where is my voice? Why does it sound like that? Oh my  God, I sound like I swallowed a frog or suddenly got a cold out of nowhere! This is humiliating. That’s it I’m not coming back tomorrow. I can’t do this again. For another day. Everyone hates me. They all think I’m stupid and weird. I shouldn’t have come. I was wrong.

I told you that, but you said you were done listening to me. I predicted all of this why don’t you save yourself the trouble next time and just do what I tell you.

Because you don’t control me. I will overcome this. They don’t hate me. It’s all in my head. I did fine. I answered the questions and we have moved on now. Everything is okay. Look no one is even paying attention to you anymore.

Just breathe, you’ll be okay. It will all be okay.

I’m proud of you. You’re doing a great job. You got this! Welcome to college, Hayden. Just Breathe. You are on your way!