Finding the Light

TW: suicide, sexual assault

Rebecca reminisced about what her life had been, what she had done, what she had left and for a few minutes contemplated if this was her only choice, her best choice, if this would bring her finally peace...light.. she closed her eyes, released her grip from the rails, spread her arms like wings, and jumped.

Rebecca remembered being so shy and introverted as a small child. She would hide behind her mother at the sight of anyone coming near her whether it'd be an aunt saying hello or another child wanting to play. She didn't like school very much as she didn't have friends and hated being called on by the teachers. She was very faired skin and when she became shy her face turned so red making the other children laugh and call her tomato face. She didn't go to any school functions or parties as most teens her age would, she preferred reading and listening to music in the comfort of her room. She loved Frank Sinatra, jazz, blues, and practically anything from the Rat Pack. How she loved listening to Fly Me to the Moon it was one of her favorite songs, perhaps because her father sang it to her as a little girl.

She remembered Susana and her heart ached at the thought of her. Dear Susana how much she had meant to Rebecca and how soon she was taken away. She clearly remembered the day she saw Susana for the first time. She had been reading in her room when suddenly she heard music coming from outside. It was trumpets and drums and it had a tropical rhythm. The music was coming from a blue 1960ish thunderbird that was parked in front of the apartment that had been vacant for a couple months. A lady possibly in her fifties wearing yellow capri pants and a flowered scarf wrapped around her hair came out of the apartment along with a chihuahua running at her side. The lady started unloding boxes and articles of clothing on hangers from her trunk and walking with them into the apartment. She made a few trip back to her car then sat on the hood and lit a smoke. The lady looked towards Rebecca's window and gave a wave and a smile. Rebecca quickly ducked and remained sitting on the floor for a few moments. She slowly rose and peeked out the window and since she saw the lady had gone back in the apartment closed the shades and returned to her reading. Rebecca was intrigued by this new neighbor and the amazing music playing for her car radio.

Days passed until Rebecca saw her neighbor again. One day as Rebecca was walking home from school, the neighbor was coming out of her apartment and as she saw Rebecca coming, walked towards her and said, "I am Susana." Rebecca just stood quiet for a few minutes, "I'm Rebecca" she said, "and I liked the music playing the other day in your car." The lady gave a big smile. " I love that music it's from my country, it's salsa Cubana," she said. At that moment Rebecca didn't know how big a part music and Salsa where to play in her life. She was so grateful to Susana for introducing her to this genre and more importantly for being her friend.

A year had almost passed and one day as Rebecca returned home from school, she notice an ambulance parked in front of Susana's apartment. She froze in fright wondering what was going on and walked a bit more towards the ambulance. Soon the paramedics where wheeling Susana out on a bed, quickly placing her in the ambulance, and driving away.

Rebecca was worried and scared hoping Susana would be okay. A couple days later without news of Susana Rebecca noticed a women going into Susana's apartment and took the courage to approach her. "Excuse me" Rebecca said, "do you know if Susana is OK?" The women who looked very grief striken looked at Rebecca perplexed, "she was my friend," said Rebecca. "She is.. was my mother," the women said.. "she had a heart attack.. and unfortunately passed away". The woman walked into the apartment closing the door behind her.

Rebecca was left standing in disbelief... her only friend was no longer here and she didn't even get to see her one last time and say goodbye. How lonely and empty Rebecca felt. Her heart had sunk into a dark place. She remembered the darkness... the loneliness... that darkness that seemed to engulf her throughout her life.

She remembered being "happy" the first three to five years of her life. That was the time her father was around. Her father was a military man and was not home often, but when he was it seemed like the sun shone brighter. He loved Rebecca so much and would sing to her and tell her stories. Rebecca remembered falling asleep to his voice. He was a tall man, with big hands, and very strong or so she thought. Slowly by slowly though, he began to slip away he was schizophrenic, had bipolar disorder, depression, and was becoming angry agitated, aggressive and just absent in mind and heart. Therefore, he sought best to leave his family for their sake. Rebecca remembered waiting at the door for him, waiting for his songs, his stories, his voice, and his hugs. She remembers falling asleep by the door, but he never came back and never called. Rebecca never heard from him again. She felt broken it was a hurt that dug to the depts of her soul that even in her adult life could not get over.

Her adult life..tiny piercings of scattered light but always darkness. She took college courses, but never graduated, worked different jobs as a waitress, working in the college library, collecting tickets at the movie cinema... nothing ever fulfilling that was until she met Luis.

Rebecca was grateful to Luis, because Luis introduced her to Vive, the salsa band she sang with for a couple years. Rebecca enjoyed music so much growing up that singing had become a hobby of hers. She was frankly quite good, although she never thought that and was never told that because she always sang in her room alone .

Rebecca remembered Luis coming into the Denny's she worked at caring some bongos. Luis was an older fellow, long hair, dark glasses, and kind smile. When Rebecca returned with his meal, she quietly asked Luis, " you play?" Luis smiled and told her that he actually played in a salsa band and had a gig that afternoon. He invited her to the event and told her that they were looking for a female singer as the one they had would be moving to another state. Rebecca told Luis she loved salsa music and singing, but never had the courage to perform in front of people. Luis told her that if she wanted she could try out after the gig that afternoon and meet the other band members. Rebecca was hesitant, but her interest and love more music were great motivators and she believed this might be a chance to meet people and perhaps opaque her sadness.

Meet people she did. In fact that very afternoon she met Ricky. Ricky she thought, of course it was just too good to be true. At that moment everything was so surreal. She grew the courage to audition for the band, was now one of the female vocalist, and met this charming guy whom she would be in a relationship with for two years.

Being part of the band was great, singing was amazing. When Rebecca sang she felt she escaped from herself for a brief moment. When she sang she felt free. With Ricky she felt loved and she felt comfortable. Maybe Ricky would fill that void that she had in her heart for so long. After almost a year and a half of dating Ricky proposed and Rebecca was elated. Wow, she thought. This guy loves me in all my totality, in all my brokenness, he really loves me enough to make me his wife. Rebecca felt now the darkness would surely dissappear or at least fade and she would have the family she never had growing up.

Things never worked out for her. She wondered if she had been cursed at birth. A few months after the proposal she found out Ricky had been lying to her for quite some time. Actually, cheating on her for quite some time. He had someone on the side who in a text claimed to love and told he would do anything for, even leave Rebecca. He said proposing to Rebecca was a mistake and wanted to be with her, but was just waiting for the right time to tell Rebecca. Possibly not even tell Rebecca and just ghost her. Aside from the pain of losing her father and Susana, what Ricky had done was one of the greatest blows Rebecca had felt in her whole life. This tore her in minuscule pieces. She did not confront Ricky, but simply ghosted him instead. He called and went by her house, but after a few weeks of trying to contact her, he stopped. He only left a note saying to at least have the decency of returning his ring.What nerve thought Rebecca. He had made a fool of her, cheated, betrayed her trust and only had the audacity to ask for his ring.

For weeks Rebecca would stay in her room in darkness, alone, crying, broken, engulfed in rage and resentment. She would go to work, but called in sick several times. She felt like a zombie going through daily motions. She had no appetite, could hardly sleep, and the voices she had heard at times growing up were more loud and alive than ever. Rebecca would here them say things such as you are not worth it, you are not pretty or good enough, you never were and that's why Ricky left you, that's why your dad left you...

It was a constant torment. Rebecca was tormented with these voices day and night and there seemed no escaping them only when she sang.

Luis came by several times to encourage Rebecca to sing again as she had not been performing with the band after ending with Ricky. Finally, She gave in. Atleast performing would "alleviate" her pain. On Thursday and Saturday nights the band began performing at a little club. Nothing fancy, but they would get a good crowd. Rebecca began meeting people at this club, she began drinking, drinking a lot, daily, which drinking is something she had never done. She had several one night stands, something she had never done as well. She was even introduced to drugs. Rebecca was being catapulted into a darker abyss. Her heavy drinking and now drug use began making her miss work even not wanting to go sing with the band, meanwhile the voices grew louder. Rebecca this is what you needed they'd say, you've been missing out, this is life, partying, drinking, the drugs will give you the greatest relief and freedom you have ever felt. Those voices were pretty convincing because Rebecca used her savings to buy more drugs, more alcohol, and go out almost nightly.

Rebecca remembered the night Erik offered to give her a ride home. How could she forget. She had met him at a bar, didn't care much about him, but he served as a distraction. He seemed to like her though and seeing that she was in no conditions to drive or take a bus alone offered a ride. Rebecca accepted and now knows wolves do hide in sheep skin. After driving a few moments Erik drove to remote area, locked the doors and pinned himself onto Rebecca. She tried to fight him off, scream, but could not do anything. She cried and beg, but he only cared about his on satisfaction.

Rebecca remembered walking, walking, for a long time in darkness, walking alone. Mascara running down her cheeks. She felt lifeless, soulless just aimlessly walking in darkness. She doesn't remember how or when she got home. She just remembered taking all those pills and collapsing into a pit of utter uscurity.

She remembered waking in the hospital to her mother's face. Her mother. Always working hard trying to make ends meet. Her mother the seamstress, her mother the hotel housekeeper, her mother the nanny, her mother now her caregiver. After her father left, Rebecca's mother was left devastated and did her best to care for Rebecca as a single parent. Rebecca did not have a close relationship with her mother and never confided in her mother her feelings or thoughts. She was always good at pretending she was fine, but, Rebecca's mother knew in her heart that something was not ok and had hoped Ricky would be the answer for Rebecca. Her mother did not know the details of the ruptute but was saddened with news of the terminated relationship and decided not to delve or inquire

for more information. Being in the hospital, Rebecca had been evaluated and interviewed by a psychiatrist. Diagnosed to no surprise to Rebecca, depression and schizophrenia with the possibility of bipolar disorder. She was kept in the hospital for a few days and then sent away with an array of medications for depression and everything else in between.

The medications were awful. Rebecca felt outwardly numb, but the voices were still there, the hurt, the hollowness, the memories, all there. She had night terrors from her encounter with Erik. She felt she could never get back from that horrendous situation and it replayed almost daily in her head. She sometimes wanted to rip away from her skin. She felt disgusted with her body, with herself. She would hear her mother nightly pace outside her bedroom door checking to see in Rebecca was still ok...alive. Her mother's world revolved around her and the more her mother tried to get close, help, care for Rebecca the more she drifted away. She began to drift away to a point of no return. She tried to pull herself up using music, books, sing, but those voices, oh those voices knew just what to say, and those voices were louder than any song she sang or played.

Her whole life seemed like a string of misfortunate events. A life where happiness was not a card in her deck. Moreover, She could not be a burden on her poor mother in was not fair Rebecca thought that it was unfair to drag her mother into her hole. She had lost all sight of faith, all sight of hope, and was blinded by the haze for the prospect of a better tomorrow. She felt more broken, more alone, more empty than ever and believed it was time for her to see the light. So, after living so many years engulfed in darkness, Rebecca finally stepped into the sun.