Pat, June, Carol and Jane

We arranged the seating carefully for the rehearsal dinner. Becca (June’s mom) was on my right; Wilson (June’s dad) was on my left. Then my dad, Ralph; June; and my mom, Carol. The future in-laws were divorced and this was the first time all four were together. June and I sat strategically. We knew the two dads would get along. I would entertain Becca and June would take care of Carol. Our siblings and friends were on the other side of the table. We would not worry about them.

It was an April wedding so the dads talked baseball. My dad and I are Giants fans. Wilson is an Angels fan. Not ideal, but acceptable. Were he a Dodgers fan the wedding would have been off. We could address the designated hitter issue with him over the Fourth of July.

Carol and I talked cooking; I had made her dinner before. My mom and June were thick as thieves, whispering and laughing every time I looked.

My parents are in their early 40’s. June’s are in their late 40’s. We are the first of their children to marry so all will be in-laws for the first time. June is 29 and I am 25. We met at work four years ago; she supervised my first project. We have been a couple for three years living together the last two.

My cousin Kathy would officiate the ceremony tomorrow. June’s twin sister Jane would be her maid of honor, and my brother Pete would be my best man. Kickoff was set for 1p.m. Our flight to Hawaii took off at 10p.m. We have a nice house and yard, so we would have the ceremony there. We were expecting 40 guests.

June and I had developed a routine for balancing our parents’ needs. We managed the holiday conundrum: Christmas eve with parent A, Christmas morning with parent B, Christmas evening with parent C, apologies to parent D. I would golf with Wilson. We would have Becca over for dinner. Giants and Niners games with Ralph. And, June and Carol were workout fanatics. They liked to hit the gym and spa together.

Dinner lasted three hours. We hit their wine cellar hard. The toasts flowed freely. It digressed into a Friar’s Roast of myself and to a lesser extent June.

Pete told the calamine story one more time. He spoke about how I, as a youth umpire, emotionally scarred him calling him out on strikes. Kathy talked of holidays at the Regan’s – parents in the living room and the twenty cousins in the garage with the refrigerator full of beer. Jane told how she and June would pull the switcheroo on dates, at school, even jobs.

At 11p.m. Pete wheeled me out and Jane took June. Being that the ceremony was at our house and we had lived together for two years we were not overly concerned with convention. However, we did decide to spend this night in separate hotel rooms. We had rented a number of rooms at the local Best Western. The men were on the first floor in rooms 110-118; the women were on the second floor rooms 210-218. Pete had room 114 set for me. It had my suit for tomorrow and a bag to take on the honeymoon. June was on top of me in 214.

Despite the wine and the cohabitation, I was nervous and would sleep hardly a wink. Apparently, June was also nervous as I heard her moving about most of the night. I wanted to sneak up to her room like a high-school kid slipping past the chaperones. I refrained.

Breakfast for the men was at 9:30a.m. We were at the IHOP. The ladies’ breakfast would be at Denny’s. June and I were on separate schedules to converge at 1:00p.m. The idea was to have a good breakfast which would last until the reception in the afternoon. Kathy had spent the night at our house and would open it for the caterers and set-up crew.

Being so focused on myself and June and keeping our parents happy I really had not paid any attention to the plus ones. Becca brought one. Ralph brought one. Wilson and Carol did not bring plus ones. Becca’s plus one was not at the rehearsal dinner, but he was at breakfast.

Pete knew I would only need about an hour to get ready before the ceremony so he arranged for us to hit golf balls at the driving range. Pete, myself and the dads went through seven buckets. I focused on my 5-wood, 6-iron and wedge. I could always hit a 5-wood; no matter how bad a day I was having I could nail a 5-wood.

I could see Jane’s car as Pete pulled up to our house. The ladies were getting ready in the master suite, better mirrors, bathroom, etc. I would get ready in the den.

Jane burst into the den, “Where are your pants!?!”

              “Jane! They are hanging. It keeps the crease.”, I replied confused with her presence.

“Well get them on and go see June now. Hurry.”

               “What’s wrong?”, the butterflies in my stomach were gone. I was feeling a pit in my stomach now.

“Hurry.”

I put on my pants. Both legs at the same time. It was 12:40. I opened the door.

Oh my God! June and my mom were in each other’s arms, laying on the bed, lips locked. When they came up for air, they noticed me.

“Pat, we need to talk.” June and my mom echoed those words.

              “What the hell is going on here?”, I asked in astonishment.

“Pat, Carol and I have been lovers for a year now. I can’t marry you.”, June said matter-of-factly.

               “Mom?”

“I’m sorry Pat. Working out and spa days just developed into something beautiful. I love June.”, Carol said gazing at June the whole time.

               “Wow. Left at the altar for my mother. Were you in her room last night? What about the guests? This is embarrassing. My fiancé cheated on me with my mom. Or, is my mom cheating with my fiancé? I thought holidays were awkward before.”

“Pat, Carol and I spoke with Kathy. There will be a wedding today. It just won’t be with you. Pete and Jane are passing the word. We’ve changed the time to 1:30 in case anyone is uncomfortable.”

Carol added, “We didn’t plan it this way. It was just so clear to us last night.”

              “I hope you don’t expect me to walk either of you down the aisle.”

I snuck back to the den it was 1:00p.m. now, and I was not getting married. I would change and wait for the dust to settle. Let the guests that didn’t want to stay clear out, and the ones who stay be seated. I was hoping to get away unnoticed.

I waited. A thousand thoughts were racing through my head. My mom had me young and she was a workout fiend. Objectively speaking, she had a good body. Are they the suburban equivalent of Ellen and Portia? I have never had a therapist. This should be good for a few years of therapy. I will be a case study.

I could hear the music starting. There was a knock at the door. This time Jane eased into the room.

“Pat,” she started, “I don’t know what to say. I was shocked too. It doesn’t seem fair.”

               “Well, no one ever said life was fair. I imagine there are a lot of guests squirming in their seats right now.”

Jane smiled. “Pat, I’d be a bundle of tears if that happened to me.”

               “If I caught Wilson in bed with a younger man, I’d be in tears.”

Jane could not stop laughing now. “Pat!”

           “Wait here a minute, Jane. I’ll be right back.”

I ran back to the master bedroom. I took the airline tickets for Hawaii and June’s driver’s license. I ran back to the den.

               “Jane, I have a crazy idea. Want to hear it?”

“Yes, Pat. This day can’t get any crazier.”

             “That story you told last night about trading places with June. Did you really do that?”

“Yes, many a time.”

               “I have two tickets to Hawaii. A bag for me and a bag with all the swimsuits and evening wear you could use. I’ve borrowed June’s ID to get you on the plane. …. Jane, let’s go to Hawaii.”

“Ae, Pat. Makemake wau e hele i ka hokele me ʻoe.”