Intoxication

For the first time in months, everything was fine, but I couldn’t ignore the doubts in the back of my mind. I shook my head as I carried the last box into the living room where Dylan was already setting up his Xbox.

‘We’ve lived here for all of ten minutes, I can’t believe you’re already on that, Baby Bro.’

‘I told you to stop calling me that,’ he complained but he didn’t stop smiling. His joy was infectious. With a matching, uncontainable smile, I set about moving items to the right rooms. For months I could only visit Dylan at the orphanage but finally, finally, we had a house to call our own. There was still a gnawing guilt in the pit of my stomach thought - I could have got him back sooner if I hadn’t been so stupid…

‘Jas! Where are the biscuits?’ Dylan called from the kitchen, snapping me from my reminiscence.

‘We didn’t buy any yet, get some money from my purse and go get some if you want.’ I walked down the stairs but paused when I saw his face. He held out my wallet open, with a shallow face staring out of it like a ghost. I snatch the wallet back from him and rapidly close the flaps.

‘Why do you still have his picture in here?’ Dylan asked quietly. I sighed.

‘To remind me not to be that stupid ever again.’ His eyes, wide with fear, punished me. ‘Don’t worry Dyl, he can’t do anything to us anymore. He’s gone for good.’

‘Just like mum and dad… Do you think they’re sad up there without us?’ Dylan motion up towards the sky. I shook my head vehemently.

‘No! They have each other so they won’t be lonely.’

‘And I have you!’ He grinned his lopsided grin and my heart melted a little. I wished I could hand him the whole Earth right there - he deserved the world. But all I could do was ruffle his curls and pull him into a grateful hug.

After a minute he pushed me off. ‘Alright, that’s enough,’ he stuck his tongue out and ran off energetically.

‘There’s no orange juice either!’ He yelled a moment later, appearing back in the hallway.

‘Alright, I’ll go to the shop,’ I groaned teasingly. ‘Wanna come with?’ He pulled a face and I laughed.

‘Okay, see you later then. Don’t leave the house without telling me!’ I warned, stuffing my wallet and keys into my pocket. He was already too absorbed in his game to reply.

The fresh breeze hit my face and I breathed in my surroundings, memorising the street that would become home. I rush of exhilaration burst through me and I pulled out my wallet, extracting the photo. I decided to throw it away at the first bin I passed: I didn’t need reminding anymore. I finally had everything I wanted.

There was no harm in looking at it one last time though, I thought. It’s not like it would change anything, it’s not like it would bring him back to life. I flipped open the wallet and couldn’t help being drawn in by the photo all over again. The burning eyes, the one slightly crooked tooth, the birth mark above his eyebrow…

Without warning I hit something solid and it took a moment to register scuffed shoes and a man’s figure.

 ‘I’m so sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,’ I professed, scrabbling to grab the photo from the floor, even then it was painstakingly difficult to drag my eyes away from the unmistakable face of-

‘Wilder!’ The name sprang from my lips.

‘Jasmine.’ He stated, looking at the photo of him I clutched in my fingers with a hint of a smirk playing across his face. ‘Good to see you haven’t forgotten me. I certainly haven’t forgotten you.’

My chest tightened, my breaths becoming shallow and rapid.

‘What… How… What are you doing here? You’re dead.’ I stammered. And yet there he was. Standing right before me in the middle of the street, smiling at me. Revelling in my confusion.

He raised his hands and span on the spot for effect.

‘Evidently not.’

‘I… I have to go.’ I gasped and span on my heel.

‘What do you mean? We should catch up! I think we have a lot to talk about!’ he called but I sped away without pause, until I got home.

‘That was quick,’ Dylan remarked. ‘Wait, where are the bags? Didn’t you go to the shop?’ I couldn’t bring myself to speak; my mind raced. Maybe I had imagined it. Maybe it was all in my mind. I caught a glimpse of my pale, shuddering face in the mirror and struggle to catch my breath.

‘Jasmine? Are you okay? What happened?’ When he got no reply, he peered out the window to see a dark, hunched silhouette moving towards the house.

‘What’s going on?’ There was something beyond worry in his words. There was accusation. ‘That’s him isn’t it? Wilder. You said he was dead! Was it all just a lie so you could trick everyone and then go back to him?’

My head spun and he took my silence as confession. ‘You’re using again aren’t you? Why did you even bother getting me back if you were just going to give up straight away? They’ll take me away again. I guess I wasn’t really worth staying clean for then. I guess you didn’t really want us to stay together that bad.’

My head pounded and before I could reply, Wilder stalked into the hallway. He shoved Dylan aside in a second and followed me into the living room. He slammed the door shut and blocked it with a chair before turning to me.

 ‘Why did you running away? Is there a reason for you to be scared of me?’ his gravel tone droned.

I backed away subconsciously.

‘I… I can’t do this again. I have to look after Dylan, I have to,’ I was almost begging, him or myself I don’t know.

‘You can’t do what, Jas?’

Dylan pounded on the door, called my name, piercing my mind. I gripped my arms so tight my nails dug in.

‘This, you, drugs, any of it! Please just leave me alone.’

‘Why are you scared of me?’ Wilder yelled and I shuddered. His fists clenched. ‘Stop it! You have no right to act like a victim. I know what you did!’ He pulled a syringe from his pocket my blood went cold.

‘You tried to kill me didn’t you?’

‘Dare, I-‘

‘Didn’t you?’ He roared. My mouth fell open and I pressed myself back even further, the cabinet handles digging into my side. I struggled to take deep breaths as my throat burned. Hesitantly, I gave a slight nod.

‘You gave me an overdose.’ He had grown still now, quiet. But his soft tone only made my heart race faster. Sweat set my eyes on fire and when I blinked seeped onto my cheeks. I nodded again.

‘Why? I never hurt you. I was the one who was there for you when you parents died. I did everything I could to make you happy!’ I avoided his eyes, pressing my clammy palms hard against my head. The world swam in and out of focus and at the centre of everything was the needle in his hand, a lethal dose, just like the one I had held all those months ago.

‘I had to, Dare.’ I faltered as I spoke his name, the one I had called so many times. But never like this. Never with anything but love. ‘There was nothing else I could do. I wanted to stop, to get clean, so many times. I wanted to look after my baby brother! But you kept dragging me down with you!’

‘Didn’t you ever even love me?’ The tremor in his voice was like a knife; I felt a stab of guilt, twisting in my stomach.

‘Of course I did! I loved you, I still love you, so much, more than I can say!’ my voice strained and it was all I could do to stay put, stay away. Even then, his presence was intoxicating. ‘But that was exactly the problem, I have to be responsible, healthy, for Dylan. He has to come first. But I could never say no to you.’

‘So it’s my fault. I made you hate me. I made you…’ he motioned at my crumpled stature. ‘scared of me.’

‘I’m not scared of you, Dare. I’m scared I can’t stay away from you.’

Wilder stared ahead, glassy eyed. He was unsteady on his feet as he slowly raised the needle, gazing into it. After a long moment he seemed to make a decision.

‘Then I’ll do this for you, Jas.’

‘Dare, wait, what are you doing? Don’t-‘

‘Because it’s what you wanted. Because I love you too. More than anything.’

Silent, he forced the needle into his flesh and pushed the plunger.