INT. RECEPTION AREA OF BEAUTIFUL YOU ENHANCEMENT CENTER - DAY
A futuristic lobby. Serene. Soothing MUSIC plays, lending to the air of tranquility.
The receptionist, SABINA (20’s), composed, perfect in every way, sits at her desk. Attuned to her computer, but also aware.
PAULA (late 30’s) ENTERS hesitantly and approaches Sabina. She’s mouselike in her appearance and in her demeanor.
Sabina greets her with a luminous smile, sultry voice.
SABINA
Welcome to Beautiful You. May I help you?
Paula fidgets uncomfortably.
PAULA
Hi. Hello. I...I’m Paula? Paula Oberschenkel? I have a four-thirty appointment with Dr. Kopay?
SABINA
(checks her screen)
One moment. Let me see...
PAULA
It’s just a consultation, not a--
SABINA
I know. Here you are. I found you. Please have a seat, Mrs. Oberschenkel. I need you to fill out these routine forms.
Hands Paula a clipboard and a huge questionnaire. Paula takes a seat nearby.
SABINA
Dr. Kopay will be with you shortly.
PAULA
All right. Thank you. And it’s--
A melodic RINGTONE. Sabina answers.
PAULA (CONT)
(fading)
Miss Oberschenk...el.
SABINA
Beautiful You, Sabina speaking. How may I--oh, hello Linda!
(pauses)
I would, but he’s in a follow-up with Brent Reese. Yes, that Brent Reese. I haven’t seen them yet, but I’m sure they--of course I will. Can he what?
(pauses)
Well, he has a consultation this afternoon so today’s not--
Sabina rises out of her chair to study Paula, who’s engrossed in paperwork.
SABINA
Unfortunately, I’d have to say a fairly long one. Probably a... I expect we’ll be looking at extensive lipo, a rhinoplasty, a brow lift, tummy tuck, and more than likely--yes, that too. For starters.
(beat)
I just had a brain flash. What if he visits you during intermission?
Sabina laughs modestly.
SABINA
Intelligence has nothing to do with it. You’re very welcome, Linda.
Sabina hangs up. She gets up to check on Paula.
SABINA
Now, how are those forms coming, Ms. Oberschank?
DR. KOPAY (40’s and handsome) enters with scruffy hunk BRETT REESE (30).
Sabina can’t peel her eyes off Brent, who’s flexing his muscles. Paula follows her gaze.
BRENT
So, Doc, what do you really think?
Dr. Kopay professionally assesses Brent’s major muscle groups, especially his pectorals, which he pokes.
DR. KOPAY
They’re perfect, Brent. Stellar. I just took your God-given assets--your abundant natural resources--and refined them a little.
BRENT
Don’t be modest, Doc! You took this beat up ole’ corn fed clay and you re-sculpted it, baked it, glazed it, and here I am, Brent Reese model 3 point 0!
DR. KOPAY
I simply made you into a better you, Brent. Again.
SABINA
You’re you, but a more beautiful you...if it’s even possible.
Paula’s mouth drops in disbelief. She WHISPERS to Sabina.
PAULA
Is that--?
SABINA
Yes. Brent Reese. Starting pitcher for the Beavers.
PAULA
He’s a patient?
SABINA
A client. You don’t think Brent Reese became a media sensation on his own, do you?
PAULA
Well I...I never thought about it.
Dr. Kopay pats Brent on the back like a big brother.
DR. KOPAY
You’ll see, Brent. No more headlines claiming you wear Man Spanx like Brad Pitt.
BRENT
I hate those things.
DR. KOPAY
So did he. And no more silly man-boob jokes either. And that’s a promise.
SABINA
Your pectorals are...they’re perfect!
Brent flexes them for her.
Paula raises out of her seat to get a closer look.
DR. KOPAY
I’ve just given you five more playing years plus a career in broadcasting, not to mention modeling...if you lose your throwing arm.
SABINA
Pretty soon we’ll see you on a giant billboard in Times Square selling briefs, beer, or even Botox-- your personal trifecta!
BRENT
My Jockey ad goes up Monday!
(beat)
How can I ever repay you, Doc?
DR. KOPAY
Just lead the Beavers to one more World Series victory, Brent. That’s all I ask.
BRENT
I’ll do my best!
He flashes a charming smile at Paula, who swoons. He flexes.
BRENT
So what do you think?
Paula leans on Sabina’s desk to support her buckling legs.
PAULA
I...I think Dr. Kopay hit a home run! A grand slam!
DR. KOPAY
Sabina will call you to set up your next appointment. The process can’t be allowed to stall.
BRENT
Roger that, doc! Thanks again! Oh, by the way, Sabina-doll, Dusty sends his love.
Brent offers Dr. Kopay a “manly handshake,” turns to Paula and winks. Paula, still gobsmacked, melts back into her seat, Fans herself with the questionnaire.
Brent waves to the trio and leaves.
SABINA
Doctor, Linda was hoping you’d squeeze her in during intermission.
DR. KOPAY
Between acts? That’ll work. No one will notice any recursive augmentation with all the heavy green Elphaba makeup.
SABINA
Very good, Doctor. I’ll let the theatre know when you’re arriving.
Dr. Kopay picks up Paula’s chart, scans it.
DR. KOPAY
I’ll be with you shortly, Ms. Overschenkman. In the meantime, Sabina will bring you up to speed.
He heads back to his office.
PAULA
(as he leaves)
It’s...nevermind.
Paula turns to Sabina.
PAULA (CONT)
Did Brent say...did he mean Dusty McElfin? The Beaver short stop?
SABINA
Who else? Dusty needed a chin implant. With a dimple. Desperately.
(reflective pause)
Dr. Kopay works on all the top Beavers and we’re smack dab in the middle of Beaver season. They all have to be HD ready. Same with politicians, the bedrock of our industry. They’ve got gobs of money, and there’s a limitless supply of ‘em. And then there’s Linda Park, the Broadway starlet, Rance Rimrock, the country western singer, Morris and Freida Baum, the billionaire real estate tycoons, Tatyana Izmylov--
PAULA
The famous tennis player?
SABINA
Un-huh? Calf implants. Tatyana’s shooting her first movie next month.
She points to a golden TENNIS RACKET mounted on the wall.
SABINA
She gave her Wimbledon racket to Dr. Kopay right after the lip implants. Remember that Sport’s Illustrated cover when she won her first Grand Slam? That face was ours.
PAULA
Lip implants? But, she’s perfect!
SABINA
Almost perfect. She had skinny calves...and skinny lips.
PAULA
I had no idea! I never dreamed that plastic surgery was so-- I’m just here for a consultation, mind you. I would never subject myself to self-inflicted pain for the sake of vanity--
SABINA
Of course you wouldn’t. And just so you know, here at Beautiful You, we don’t call it plastic surgery. It’s human biological enhancement. After your fifth or sixth procedure, you’ll understand.
PAULA
(stunned)
My fifth or sixth--?
GIBBERISH on the intercom. Paula grows jittery.
SABINA
Dr. Kopay will see you now, Mrs. Oberschenkler.
PAULA
That’s Miss--
SABINA
Follow me, please.
Droopy Paula lags behind Sabina. They head to the Exam Room.
PAULA
Oberschenkel...
(slows way down)
Um. Sabina? I’m kind of having second thoughts. I don’t think...I shouldn’t have come here today. It’s a big mistake. I’m not in the same league as-- I think I’ll re-book.
Paula comes to a full stop. Like a mule. Sabina backtracks.
SABINA
Don’t be silly. Nothing happens in a consultation without your express consent.
PAULA
I know. But truthfully, I-- I’m really not comfortable with--
SABINA
(terse)
I won’t mince words, Mrs. O-- may I call you that? Dr. Kopay is brilliant at his craft. What you get at Beautiful You is the best of both worlds: arrogant hands and a humble heart. The doctor wants all his patients to be the best they can possibly be.
PAULA
(meek)
Even someone like me? A regular person?
SABINA
I’ll be honest. It’s not typical for us to take on an average Joe--or Paula--as a client. But we choose one or two of you every year as a way to give back to the community. To titivate the populated areas that are otherwise exceedingly...ordinary.
PAULA
Titivate?
SABINA
It means beautify. Like reclaiming a landfill or a dump, for a city park. Only a visionary with mad skills can do it. All I can tell you is this: If Dr. Kopay agrees to accept you into his amazing Beautiful You family, it’ll change your life forever.
PAULA
If he agrees?
SABINA
You’ll improve in ever conceivable way: physically, emotionally...intellectually.
Sabina approaches Paula, grasps her squarely by the shoulders. She’s gathering steam.
SABINA
You’ll be special--better than the rest of them. Lifted from the depths of the mundane, like fresh, sweet cream floating to the top. A beacon for the other poor slobs out there who want to be in your shoes, but for whom this shall always remain...the Unreachable Star.
Sabina reaches for a star. Then she SIGHS.
SABINA
Don’t look this gift horse in the mouth. It’s not a question of vanity. You hit the actual jackpot.
PAULA
It sounds too good to be true.
(half-hearted joke)
I don’t suppose Dr. Kopay can help me keep my librarian job. The city’s cutting back.
SABINA
Mark my words, you’ll be writing books for that library before we’re through. And booking speaking engagements. They might even dedicate a wing to you.
She moves in and peers at Paula’s face.
SABINA
Plus, he’ll take care of that herniated eyelid fat.
Paula pulls back turtle-like.
PAULA
Herniated eyelid-- ?
Dr. Kopay ENTERS.
PAULA (CONT)
Fat?
Dr. Kopay takes Paula’s hand and shakes vigorously, but warmly.
DR. KOPAY
Mrs. Oberschenklin? I’m Dr. Kopay, and I’d like to amplify your assets!
PAULA
Well I--
SABINA
She’s having second thoughts, Doctor.
DR. KOPAY
A little skittish, are we? Well, let’s just take a seat here in the atrium and have a chat.
He guides Paula to the seating area, sits beside her.
DR. KOPAY
Has Sabina explained the way things are here at Beautiful You?
SABINA
Mostly. But I haven’t made it to the warranty provision yet.
PAULA
Warranty provision?
SABINA
We can only prevent regression if our clients do their part, too. To keep the resequencing going.
Worried, Paula frowns deeply.
PAULA
Huh?
DR. KOPAY
When you frown like that, I can tell the symmetry of your face is severely compromised.
Her face contorts more. For a split second, Dr. Kopay looks disgusted. It pains him.
DR. KOPAY
Oy...don’t do that. Ugh! Don’t!
Then he composes himself. A few deep breaths. Meanwhile, Paula's face grows even more confused-awful.
PAULA
Do what?
Sabina to the rescue. She understands Doctor’s reaction.
SABINA
Were you a forceps baby?
PAULA
Huh? A what? I don't...I don't think I better...
Paula, distressed, gets up to leave. Sabina eases her down.
DR. KOPAY
(self-assured)
I can fix that, you know.
PAULA
Fix what?
SABINA
He fixed me. See?
She turns and shows her profile to Paula.
PAULA
There’s nothing to fix. You’re perfect!
DR. KOPAY
She is now. But that wasn’t always the case.
SABINA
That’s right. Before my resequencing I was like you: mousy, lopsided, homely, common. You could say ugly.
DR. KOPAY
(scolding)
I never said that, Sabina. I never used that word.
SABINA
It’s true, you didn’t. But I did. The one thing I had going for me was my sheer determination. My voracious appetite...to be better.
PAULA
And you think I-- ?
Paula’s in thoughtful reflection. And frowning hard.
DR. KOPAY
Stop frowning. Please stop. Please!
He gets up, needing to distance himself from Paula.
SABINA
What Dr. Kopay means is that, through modern technology, we can change the molecular trajectory of your humanism.
Paula stands, wrings her hands, tries not to frown.
PAULA
Change my what?
SABINA
(matter-of-fact)
Your humanism. Dr. Kopay specializes in transcending it. At Beautiful You, we really do shoot for the stars. And beyond. Take Brent Reese, for example. He’s nearing full integration. And Linda’s working on her biometric and intelligence quotients. It’s a comprehensive approach to--
PAULA
(nearing panic)
No! Stop! I don’t understand a thing you’re saying to me. It’s like you’re speaking in Chinese. I hear the words coming out of your mouth, but--
SABINA
I do speak Chinese, in fact. Manderin, and some Cantonese. Thanks to Dr. Kopay’s embedded linguistics protocols. And you can too, if you’re willing to work. Once you’re resequenced, you’ve got to strengthen all those spliced bonds to prevent regression. It’s a synergistic approach. We provide the technology, you provide the motivation. That’s written in the warranty provision.
Paula grabs her head in hands.
PAULA
This is so confusing. I can’t...I don’t...!!
SABINA
(ultra calm)
You can. You do.
DR. KOPAY
There, there, Mrs. Overshank. You’re experiencing a perfectly normal reaction.
(quietly, to Sabina)
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Sabina. She has to assimilate slowly. The first step is to get her into the exam room. Let her see that we-mean-her-no-harm.
SABINA
You’re right, Doctor. I just...
(to Paula)
If you only knew. Life with Beautiful You by your side is a life filled with meaning, unshackled by the boundaries of your own crude self-deceptions and cosmetic limitations.
Paula slowly regains her composure. Breathes easier.
DR. KOPAY
Sabina has a tendency to wax poetic. It’s an unfortunate carry-over from her former self.
SABINA
I can’t help it. Some people come to us nine-tenths of the way there, like Brent. But when Dr. Kopay has the opportunity to offer so much to someone like you who has so incredibly little...
(chokes up)
It’s hard for me to stand by and--
DR. KOPAY
(firm)
Sabina, take a breath. You’re reverting...
Sabina takes a yoga-like cleansing breath.
DR. KOPAY
(to Paula)
It’s just that she sees all the potential, where most people would see none, and--
SABINA
(mostly recovered)
Don’t throw this opportunity away, Mrs. O. You won’t regret it.
DR. KOPAY
You certainly won’t. That’s why I guarantee it.
Paula paces a time or two, thinking.
SABINA
But truthfully, this is just a consult. And--
PAULA
And you can’t do anything in a consult unless I expressly ask for it. Right?
DR. KOPAY
That’s right. Not a thing.
SABINA
He can’t touch your saddlebags or your jowls...
DR. KOPAY
I can’t even Botox your frown lines.
He looks away as Paula tries to smooth them away.
DR. KOPAY
Oh, dear God! Please, please don’t do that. Don’t!
(to Sabina)
We’re going to have to pull out all the stops with her.
Sabina nods in agreement.
Paula considers everything she's heard.
PAULA
It’s a lot to think about...but, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t...tempting.
(to Sabina)
You were once like me?
SABINA
Uh-huh. Just as saturnine. Just as pathetic--
DR. KOPAY
Incredibly stupid.
SABINA
Until I met Dr. Kopay.
PAULA
(to Dr. Kopay)
And you can fix my imperfections?
Dr. Kopay does a serious walk-around.
DR. KOPAY
Honestly? It’ll be a long, tough, uphill slog, but...I think so.
SABINA
Remember, in the end, you’ll still be you, but a better you. A more beautiful you.
PAULA
(softly)
Beautiful moi?
SABINA
(softly)
Oui!
Dr. Kopay smiles, nods. Then, remembering Linda, he checks his watch.
DR. KOPAY
But you need to make a decision, Mrs. Oberschenklinger. Elphaba’s window is closing.
Paula licks her lips, heaves a SIGH, comes to a decision.
PAULA
Well, maybe just a...a little...? A teensy bit of--of Botox? You have my consent, Doctor. I find myself somewhat...hungry.
Sabina claps, hugs Paula tight.
SABINA
Bon appetit! And welcome to our family! You won’t regret it, Miss O. I promise.
DR. KOPAY
No one ever has.
PAULA
Okay. I’m ready. Let’s get this show on the road.
Paula squares off with Dr. Kopay, sucks it in bravely. Points to her deep frown lines.
PAULA
I think we should start...here.
He takes her chin gently in hand, turns her head this way and that. Touches her lines. Nods.
DR. KOPAY
Yes. That’s an excellent place to begin. Shall we proceed?
Sabina links arms with Paula, and they follow Dr. Kopay to the Exam Room.
END
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Hahaha! Great story - very funny. I especially like Dr. Kopay's name. The dialog was smart and kept the plot moving. This could really be the start of a movie or a play! Loved it! Excellent job!
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Thank you, Linda K.! It was fun to write!
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