Day One

Let me tell ya, I was having one of the worst days. 

And had it not been all over the news, no one would’ve ever believed me.

The day started like usual, with me minding my own business, cruising down I-15. Aside from navigating through the nightmare obstacle course of construction - How long has it been? 10 years? I swear, I think they really have plans for it to never end…I see those guys everyday on my way to work, you got three guys watching, and maybe one guy working…I mean, come on!

Well, it gets better, this morning - never seen anything like it- yeah, birds do silly stuff, but this, I come up over the bend and there’s this BIG, swirling black mass of crows or something…looked like a school of fish in the sky. 

Everyone’s coasting, kinda slowing a bit, and I think whoa, I gotta film this, my girlfriend will get a kick out of this, I got my window down, filming to the side, I’m like, “Yo, Becky, check this sh*t out-”, when BOOM. 

Birds just dive bomb. It’s raining birds, pelting my car, I can’t see through all the poop splats and feathers, everyone’s slamming on their breaks…

Massive pile up.

I am just covered in bird doodoo, it’s in my hair, my eyes, some got in my mouth - that’s what I get for having my window down. Well, if that wasn’t bad enough- besides my car getting banged up, and having to wait what seemed like forever for them to start cleaning the place up - I knew my job was long gone. Tardy to a warehouse job with a point system, they’re just waiting to kick you to the curb after your final strike.

So, here I am, waiting for the bus, when some bozo OPEN-MOUTH coughed on me. This in some strange way felt like rock bottom, standing there, facing the music of even though I hated that job - I desperately needed it. And I definitely didn’t have the balls to call Becky, not that she would’ve ripped my head off or anything, she’s a real sweetheart, but, she’d already given me so many chances, and in a way, this was my last go, so, I’d have to make it up to her. 

Which was when I got the bright idea that I was gonna cook her favorite meal, abbacchio alla romana. Lamb, always made her feel so fancy. 

Getting on the bus, I smudged the grime from the now busted screen on my phone, and shot her a quick text about coming over later, and boy, was I feeling funny. As the bus lurched forward, I kinda got dizzy, like getting vertigo or something, wasn’t sure if it was from getting my dome rang, or just the anxiety, the stress, of not messing this up. 

My phone made the dying sound, 20% left, when I realized that the only charger I had, was in my now towed car.

Just my luck.

Walking into the corner store, man, the looks I was getting, you’d think I had two heads. 

The cashier girl, especially, acting like my groceries had the plague or something, when she finally asked, “You alright?” …Yeah, I was struggling to stand a bit, maybe it was the smells of the place, all that holiday crap. My head had all this pressure. Made me almost forget about a charger! 

Reaching for a cheap one, I bumped that spinny rack thing with the keychains and sunglasses, where I got a good look at myself in that tiny mirror up top.

I looked beyond busted. 

I’d been in my fair share of fights back in the day, but this was something else. 

No wonder everyone was so disgusted by me, hell, I was repulsed - I wasn’t even sure what I was looking at- just two glossy, red eyeballs stared back at me, like they were getting ready to pop. And I didn’t have any health insurance! 

I knew I had to get home quick- those puppies were about to burst! God, why did I get so many groceries?! 

Skipping the bus, I didn’t have all day to wait around, or the patience, I’d just try and book it to my crappy, multifamily apartment complex, through my hazy, failing vision and burping bouts of nausea. 

I bet I was a real sight to see.

Didn’t even have to tell people to MOVE, GET OUTTA THE WAY, nothing - the sidewalk of people naturally parted with my uncontrollable gurgling, or maybe it was my flailing, almost crab-like walk, but I made it work, and made it home in record time.

Plopping down the bags of groceries onto my kitchen counter, my eyes burst - talk about relief, besides blasting blood all over the cabinets. 

After the outer layer of eye goo sloughed off, it was like, suddenly I had super vision, my new eyes providing a strange depth and vibrance that I’d never witnessed before, my senses heightened…

I don’t know how much time had passed when I came to, but I was elbow deep in my trash can, gnawing on days old chicken wings, and slurping handfuls of last week’s pasta dinner buried at the bottom of the bin. 

I was turning into some kinda monster, I tell ya! You’d think that I’d recoil in terror - but, it tasted so good, that maybe I was ok with the new me - brain injury and all! 

“Stanley!” Becky’s voice hollered from my phone on the counter, did I call her? I didn’t remember answering, “Now you’re cancelling? …who do you have over there? I can hear them!”

I let out a guttural squawk - that’s not what I meant to say!

Between munching, I waddled towards my phone, attempting to hone in on my hyper vision, it was just too much, forcing me to close one eye, pecking at the buttons, as I tried to navigate through the cracked screen.

“Stanley, this isn’t funny…I’m over this.” She hung up on me! Nooooo, I chortled.

Now perched on the muck pile of a counter, my bristled arms had a mind of their own, outstretched at my sides like some kinda freak marionette. I desperately swiped at the phone, attempting to pick it up, tapping my transforming toes at the screen, eventually stepping on the tv remote among the mess, nearly cracking it in half.

The fizzle pop of the tv grabbed my attention from the living room, the channel tuned into the 5 o’clock news.

“Chaos on the I-15 today, prompting a ‘stay-at-home’ order for surrounding areas of the Milton Avenue exit, as hazmat crews work diligently to contain the highly contagious N2L5 Vulture Virus…” My eyes hyper-focused on the replaying footage of the flock of birds falling from the skies, the feathered carnage, and there I was…the shifting camera panned to the right, zooming in on my sputtering mouth, mixed with a little bit of defeated crying. The segment continued with an interview of the construction worker that had filmed the disaster that day.

My neck was bristling, looking at what was once my arms and legs, I erupted in a crazed state of helplessness - I was squawking my head off, careening into the tv, the walls, the floor lamp, totally wrecking my apartment- Becky already didn’t like my back hair, do they even wax feathers? How much was that going to cost?!

I was in the middle of shredding my faux leather sofa, when I heard a piercing whirring in the distance. My head jutted to the side, facing my apartment door.

Sirens.

A horde of police cars were rounding the corner from what seemed like ten or so blocks away, and quickly approaching…

So, I guess I’m in quarantine now.

Becky’s called me a few times since then, I’ve tried to answer, but I just can’t seem to get this beak or talons to click on the answer button. My phone's dead now anyways. 

I swear, I’m not trying to ignore her!

Hopefully this is just a 24 hour thing…

Becky, you’re the one, girl, and when this whole thing blows over, I’m gonna make it up to you!