Fatefully Fatal Plus Ones

Fatefully Fatal Plus Ones

           Rose petals scattered in the shape of a heart atop the hotel bed, the mood set by candles on the bedside tables. Soft music playing from the smart tv, a playlist that had been catered to the past however many years of the young couple that would spend their first night together in the most intimate of ways. These were the things that Kristen and Johnny had always wanted but started to think they’d never find. This was the most excitement either of them had experienced in so long, and to think: they were going to experience this together.

           Kristen took Johnny’s hand in hers, her body practically bouncing as he pulled and spun her, her blonde hair flowing and twisting around the curves of her neck and chest. “Are you as excited as I am?” she squeaked, readjusting her white gloves on her hands and fetching rope from her purse she had laid on the carpeted floor.

           “Never thought this day would come,” he said, grinning and reaching out with his bare hand. “I’ve never used rope before.” With this, he raised his brows in a way that made her want to do things that would never pass the Bechdel test.

           She rolled her eyes and giggled musically. “Oh, what would you have done without me?” she said, shaking her head and flipping the end of the rope over her wrist just out of his reach. She bent back down and rummaged through the various contents within her purse: tubes of red and black lipsticks at the bottom, a pink one near the top from tonight’s use, a condom she forgot she had been carrying around, a baggie of gummies—the best kind and the kid friendly kind mixed together for a surprise roulette—and a couple of miscellaneous vials. Then, of course, there was the spare set of gloves that she retrieved and held out towards the young lover boy that stood before her.

           He scoffed and took them, shook them out, and slipped them on over his hands. “You really come prepared, don’t you?”

           “It’s a good thing one of us did,” she said with a wink.

           It was, in fact, a very good thing. Even though this wasn’t Johnny’s first time, he was still fairly new at it; so was Kristen for that matter, but she had quite the passion for it as she had shown earlier that night while they awaited the start of the wedding ceremony. As the crowd awaited the two young lovers to take their place at the altar, joining the minister that would soon join them in holy matrimony until death do they part, Johnny and Kristen sat across from one another at one of the guest tables, only two other people sat with them, although they were engrossed in their own conversations with the tables near them.

           Johnny tried his best to stay focused, but his eyes kept flitting over to the innocent girl in the blasphemously white dress beside him. Had she no knowledge of wedding etiquette? Was she trying to upstage the bride, or was this some sort of virginal gesture for the potentially single or wandering eyed groomsmen that would later desire to not go home alone, or not go home with the partner they ought to go home with?

           Of course, Kristen was not oblivious to the glances this man was stealing. Part of her loved it, but another part of her wondered if he had suspected who she really was and what she was there for. Did he know that she wasn’t invited? That she was, in fact, crashing this otherwise holy ceremony?

           Johnny swallowed hard before making his first move, reached his hand over to the woman that dared distract him, and gave her a soft tap on her exposed shoulder. Her skin was so soft, and he wanted to do a little more than tap. “So,” he said, his heart skipping a beat when she gave him the time of day, “how do you know the happy couple?”

           She stared blankly into his eyes a moment, taking in their reflective blue. “We go back a bit,” she said. “What about you?”

           He let out a low laugh and slid a finger across that space between his lips and nose; he could never remember what that was called, but luckily it had never come up in conversation, so, like with many things in life, he managed to simply avoid it. “Same, same,” he said. A little voice in the back of his head wondered if he should just tell her. Ladies liked honesty, right? Maybe she’d even find it funny if she knew.

           Kristen, of course, couldn’t help but have her curiosity peaked, a brow raised, and head tilted. He may have said he was in the same boat, but surely there was no chance that was true. After all, she didn’t know these people one bit. Before she could say anything more though, the lights dimmed, and music slowly resonated from up front. It was finally time. Everyone’s eyes fled to the back to witness the procession of groomsmen and bridesmaids, but hers stayed momentarily fixed to the stranger she had just met. She leaned over, only room for God between their faces, but God didn’t want to be there. “I have a confession,” she whispered beneath the melody of Here Comes the Bride.

           “I’m not even Catholic” he whispered back, his breath carrying with it a fresh minty scent, “but I love those.”

           “I have no idea who any of these people are.”

           Johnny slapped his hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter and swallowed it down before he stole the attention away from the bride and groom’s ceremony. “You’re shitting me,” he mouthed, and Kristen shook her head. What an insane coincidence. “Me too,” he mouthed, pointing to himself, grinning from cheek to cheek.

           Baffled by this turn of events, they both took a moment to let it sink in and finally turned the attention to the walkway just in time to see the bride walking down. Her arm was looped through an older man’s arm that they presumed was her father, but honestly, who knew for sure? Well, probably anyone but them knew for sure, but that was beside the point. What was the point, however, was how gorgeous the bride was in her white wedding dress, its train gliding through the runway, her veil obscuring her face, but allowing her brown locks to peek out.

And then there was the groom, a traditional black tux, a bowtie, and a chin that was chiseled in a Greek version of photoshop. Under that tux and white button-down, he probably had a lot of rippling muscles, but if tonight went as plan, no one would be seeing those any time soon. With a couple like this, if Kristen had anything to say about it, this would be her most beautiful scene yet.

Johnny leaned over, eyes now moved to the bride and groom, but his mind stuck on the beauty next to him. “I still brought a present for them though,” he whispered, thinking back to the tracker he’d placed under their getaway car while everyone was inside preparing.

“I got them a little something,” Kristen whispered back, her eyes flitting between him and the background characters in their own wedding. She reached down into her purse and pulled out a small vial, playing with it between her fingers. She smiled, looked around to make sure everyone’s attention was where it belonged, and reached out over the neglected and exposed wine glass belonging to one of the other members of their table. With a hint of a tip, a drop dripped into the glass, its colorless liquid seamlessly blending in.

“Roofie?” Johnny asked.

“Even better,” she said. So much better, in fact, that in about two hours or less one of two things would happen. Option one: Mrs. Old Lady across from them would never have to deal with her partner’s wandering eye—the same eye that looked Kristen up and down not thirty minutes prior and made a “joke” about her chest while comparing it to his wife’s in her earlier years. Option two: Mr. Old Perv could learn what it was like to live alone and unwanted and his old lady could pass on before having to deal with whatever future problems they’d have. Kristen’s bet was on option one since the lady was out of her wine, and the perv was likely only in favor of sharing when it came to sharing himself.

The soon-to-be-happy couple’s speeches droned on though, and the two uninvited guests couldn’t wait for them to stop. The sooner they did, the sooner they could get to moving on with their night and to bigger and better things; More than that, a crossing thought, as if shared, entered both of their minds and they wondered if they could move onto each other as well, in more ways than one. But first, the “I love you’s,” the “I remembers,” the “light of my life’s,”—or the “blah, blah, blahs”—and, finally, the all too important “I do’s.”

Once they wrapped up with the boring bits, the middle-aged man officiating the ceremony looked out to the crowd and said, “Last chance, speak now or forever hold your peace.” At this, the groom lightly elbowed him, and the room burst into laughter, Johnny and Kristen joining in near last, but certain they were missing some part of these people’s relationship. “With that,” the officiator said with a grin, “I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride,” he said.

“I think we’ll be doing a lot more than that,” the bride said, and tugged at the back of the groom’s head, pulling him into a deep kiss that was nearly halfway to the hotel room they had waiting for them. More laughter, some “Get it girl!” and the like rippled through the venue, and finally, music played out while they headed down to various guests for photos and check-ins. 

Kristen rose from her seat first, Johnny looking up after her. “Where are you going?” he asked.

“Best to not hang around for them to find crashers,” she said, still fiddling with the vial in her hand. Johnny joined her standing, along with most of the spectators, and shot a smile that would sparkle if he were entered into a cheesy Hallmark Movie—However, like God, Hallmark was also not interested.

“I thought we were just starting to have fun though,” he said, reaching for her hand and slipping the vial into his own. “We haven’t even seen the cake yet,” he said, wiggling his brows and the not-roofie-but-definitely-poison.

Kristen squinted at him, at first waiting for him to say he was kidding, but it never came. “Oh god,” she said, “you’re serious?”

Despite God’s certain protests, Johnny invoked his name in his thoughts, for he was having an “Oh god” moment of his own. Was this woman not in the business of killing the blissfully wedded couple? Before he could answer or pivot away from his true intentions, Kristen revealed hers by snatching the vial back from him and checking glancing from the corner of her eyes. The attendees were enveloped in themselves, their suits and dresses mingling with one another, groups of some of their children running around and snatching complimentary mints from the tables, and a couple on their way to getting wasted using the event as an excuse to get a little too friendly with one another. 

“You’ve got a pretty face,” Kristen said, plunging the poison back into the depths of her purse, “but your brain isn’t doing you any favors right now is it?”

“Hey,” he said, straightening his tie as if somehow that would saddle his brain into place, “I’m not stupid if that’s what you’re saying.”

“Not stupid,” she said, “but clearly don’t care about getting caught.”

Okay, so she did have the same idea, right? Brain or no brain—and he assured himself, he did have a brain—he simply had to know. “Just to make sure, we’re both planning on ki—”

And in place of the big “K” escaping his lips, her lips were on his, a taste of strawberry entering his mouth. He could taste her all night, and all day for that matter, and then repeat it all over again. He didn’t want to separate, but she had other plans, pulling his face hard into hers, and then forcing it away, her fingers laced through his hair.

“Kissing?” she said, her eyes looking up at him like a doe in love, and he was already addicted. The word came out as less of a question and more of a read-along, begging him to use whatever it was that rattled around in that pretty little head of his to go along with it, and maybe even to pull her into him later as well.

“That’s exactly what I was going to say,” he said, and he slid his tongue across his lips as subtly as possible. She tasted as satisfying as murder.

“Maybe we should take this somewhere else?” she said as she took him by the hand, caressing his fingers until they interlaced with hers.

“But what about—”

           “Don’t worry,” she said, but Johnny did worry. He craved to be her partner in every dirty way—death included—but how could they seal this divine intervention in shared homicide if they didn’t wait to track their would-be victims? She was quick to alleviate his fears though, dragging him gently behind her as she led the way. “I know the perfect hotel for us.”

On the way to the hotel, they discovered they were more alike than they already thought. They both wanted to make a name for themselves, both inspired by true crime podcasts and unsolved murders, and both wanting to make a statement: Kristen’s desire to put a pin in what should be the happiest moment, and Johnny in—well, he actually hadn’t put as much thought into it, but he found himself aroused by the idea of the tales he had heard and wanted to see what it’d feel like to actually do it. Fortunately for him, it was even better in the act.

In the hotel room, the two waited behind the door, Kristen holding the rope, and Johnny ready to strike. At long last, they heard giggling, steps approaching, the click of a card inserting into the door lock, and a confirmation beep. The door cracked open, the two newlyweds entering, backs to the door as they prepared to consummate their marriage. The door pulled itself to a close and before they could hear a sound, Kristen and Johnny leapt atop them, crashing to the floor, wrapping the thickest piece of rope around their mouths, and binding them together, their third and final wedding ring tying them together until their impending end.

“Who are you people?” Mr. and Mrs. Whoever said, their words coming out garbled through their gags, but just clear enough for the two new lovebirds to make out. It was then that Kristen and Johnny realized, they had so entirely lost themselves in the miracle of finding one another and planning this lovely honeymoon scene together, they never even caught the others name.

“My God,” Johnny said, but God still preferred to not be involved in such a debacle. “I can’t believe it, I never even got your name.”

“To be fair, we’ve been rather busy with Mr. and Mrs. Who’sawhat’sit here,” Kristen said with a nudge of her head. “It’s Kristen,” she smiled.

“John, but you can call me Johnny,” he said with a wink. Their captive audience would have gagged themselves if they hadn’t already been gagged at this point, but such was their lot in life, and soon to be death.

The two forbidden partners-in-crime and seemingly destined soulmates each took a deep breath, and Kristen laughed. “I’m almost sorry I don’t know your names,” she said. “Hold on, there’s gotta be something.” She skipped over to her purse and searched for a pamphlet or anything she may have picked up from the wedding, but no such luck. At the time she hadn’t exactly been planning on this night being anything other than run-of-the-mill. “Oh well, what are you gonna do?” She tilted her head and rejoined Johnny at his side. “We should really thank you though.”

“Let us go,” they tried to say, but that was just silly.  Saying thank you was meant to be said, not releasing your victims. Johnny chuckled at the garbled plea and Kristen rolled her eyes.

“We can’t do that, but I can do you one better.” She stared into Johnny’s eyes as if doing so could transport them to the bed where they could make a right mess of the rose petals. “We can make this quick and easy on you.”

“Only if you do the opposite for me,” Johnny said, his demand like a dog begging for another treat.

“Only if you ask nicely,” she said, giving him a quick peck.

On this night, only one thing had been certain at the outset. Death had certainly marked this bride and groom before they had set down the aisle, but (not) God had something more in mind. Fate had led these two unlikely soulmates to each other, ships in the night with destinations set only for one another, finally giving them the plus one they never knew they had.