A night In The Gardens

I’ve always hated these big parties. Having to wear a tight and itchy suit while drunk strangers tried to talk to you about matters of absolutely zero importance in a crowded room that smelt of sweat wasn’t exactly my idea of fun. Well, at least the music was nice. 

The only reason I even came to this bloody party was for my mothers sake. She wanted me to be there to celebrate my brother's engagement to Ms. Eliza Swan (who was far too good for my brother if you asked me) and I couldn’t say no to her. I’ve never been able to say no to her.

As I sip on my fourth glass of champagne for the evening, I survey the overcrowded dance floor for familiar faces. I see many family members and their friends dancing throughout the sea of bodies that fills the room. I feel a twang of jealousy at their carefree love before squashing it down with a final swig of the champagne. Say what you will about my brother and his adulterous ways, but he does have a hell of a taste in alcohol. At this temporary tampening of emotions, I drag myself away from the window and its gorgeous velvet curtains that I have been spending most of the evening hiding amongst in exchange for taking a stroll across the overcrowded room. I might as well pretend to want to be here. At least for my mothers sake, and my own sanity considering the fit that she would throw if she found out that I had spent the entire night hiding amongst the furniture. Just as I manage to push past a herd of sweaty cousins that had apparently decided that the only way to spend the night was in a cluster of ruffled skirts and shrill laughs, the band finishes up the jovial song it had been playing, invoking a round of polite applause from the guests. I watch the band raptly as they prepare for their next piece, my attention mainly focused on their cellist. 

The tall, blonde man is Malcom Averbranch, talented musician, sunny socialite, and my closest friend for as long as I can remember. I find myself transfixed as I watch him wipe the sweat from his brow and laugh heartily at an unheard remark from the pianist. Apparently the next arrangement has no need for the cello, information that I am able to gather by watching Marcus leave the stage and grab a glass of champagne from one of the many trays that are circulating around the ballroom. 

After thanking the waiter with his usual effortless charm, he catches my eye from across the room and waves at me with a smile that could turn even the coldest of winter days into one full of sun. 

I feel my moody demeanor evaporate into nothingness as I watch him walk through the crowd towards me. It doesn’t matter how much I loathe the company I am with, or how uncomfortable I feel in this room, all of these feelings melt away when I see that stupid, beautiful smile.

It seems like they crowd parts for him, allowing him to get across the room easily. But that’s just the effect that he had on a room. No matter what was going on around him, or who he was with, it has always seemed like the world was dead set on showing off how wonderful he was. How an antisocial grouch like myself wound up lucky enough to be considered his friend was one of the great mysteries of the universe.

“Henry!” He calls out in his honeyed voice as he pulls me into a tight hug.

”It has been far too long my friend. Quite a celebration is it not?”

I smile gingerly at his seemingly boundless energy.

”Malcom, it is good to see you too, my friend. And yes, this is quite a party.”

He frowns when I say this, clearly able to sense the discomfort in my voice. I don’t know how, but Malcolm always had the uncanny ability to know everything that I was feeling no matter how hard I tried to hide it. Well… almost everything.

“Come on,” he says, grabbing my hand and gently pulling me along.

“I have been dying to check out the gardens, I hear that they are simply spectacular.”

I willingly let him drag me through the bright whites and golds of the crowded room into the muted blues and greens of the gardens outside. I have to say, the Swans do have quite an eye for topiary.

We stand in silence for a moment, admiring the beautiful night sky and fast expanse of plants, neither of us wanting to break the magical quiet between us. 

I look over at my friend as he admires the roses, guilt eating at me for my lack of communication with him. Ever since Malcoms wedding we had barely even seen each other. I told myself that it didn’t matter, that he was a married man now. And besides, it wasn’t like we could ever become anything more anyways, but every moment apart from him felt as if I was being stabbed by a hot poker. More than anything I wanted to tell him how I felt. Confess my undying love for him right here in my soon to be in-laws garden, but when I opened my mouth the three words that came out were not the ones that I longed so desperately to say.

”Shall we dance?”

At this he smiles that heart stopping smile at me, and gently grabs my gloved hand in his own bare one. Hands clasped together we sway gently to the slightly muted sound of the beautifully slow song that is wafting through one of the open windows. We were close, but not nearly close enough for my liking. I want to feel his heartbeat against my own, to be able to lay my head on his shoulder and sway as so many couples inside were doing right at this moment. I crave it with every fiber of my being, but, just as I always had, I hold him at arm's length. 

“Why don’t you visit anymore?”

Malcoms sudden words jolt me out of my fantasies. “What?”

“Why don’t you visit anymore? You used to come and see me so often, but ever since mine and Marie’s wedding you’ve been… distant.”

Ah yes, Marie. His blushing bride and a woman so sweet that she was impossible to hate, no matter how hard I tried.

”I don’t know.” I respond, looking Malcom dead in the eyes as I lie through my teeth. 

“I guess I just assumed that you would want time and space to settle down with your new wife.”

At this Malcom laughs. It is a big hearty laugh, one that sounds like the hills themselves are singing.

“There is no need to worry about bothering us my friend!” He says cheerily. 

“No matter what happens, you are always welcome in my home.”

I smile at this, but stay quiet. How could I tell him that I couldn’t bear to see him so happy with someone else. It would be cruel to rob him of such joy simply so that I could pretend for a little bit longer that we lived in a world in which he could be mine. I look at his face and see an eager look in his eyes. A look that I have always found entirely impossible to refuse.

“Of course.” I respond. “I’ll come and see you both as soon as I can.” 

I tell myself that I have to keep this promise, if not for him, than for me. As much as it hurts to see him with Marie, that is but a small drop in the ocean that I drown in when I don’t see his face.

His face softens at my words. “Thank you. I look forward to your visits.” And then quietly, almost as if an afterthought he adds, 

“I’ve missed you, more than anything.”

At this simple sentence, My mind freezes. Is this real? Does he actually feel this way about me, or am I just hearing what I want so desperately to hear from this statement. I look into his pale blue eyes and see so many emotions swimming behind them. Longing, fear, hope. Perhaps, just this once, I can take a leap of faith.

” I’ve missed you too.” I begin to say slowly and cautiously, never stopping our sway to the music for fear that I will go running if I don’t hold onto him. “You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life, and backing away from you has been torture.”

At my saying this he looks at me with pure relief. It seems like I wasn’t the only one who was holding back his emotions.

”Oh!” He chuckles slightly, a wide grin plastered across his face. “I.. I’m just so happy that you feel the same way.” He exclaims, relief spreading through his entire body.

”Of course! I’ve felt this way for years, I just always assumed that you were in love with Marie.”

”Oh no! Well I mean, of course I care for her, but not the same way that I do for you. And besides, She has much stronger eyes for her handmaids than she ever did for me.” He says with a knowing wink. 

“Thank Goodness!’ I exclaim much louder than I intended before quickly backtracking. “I mean, Marie is a wonderful woman, and I love you, but I would never want to do anything to hurt her.”

At this Malcom laughs once again. “See, this is one of the reasons that I fell for you, you care so much for how other people feel. Even if you put on this whole ‘I hate everyone’ facade.”

I playfully swat at his arm eliciting another chuckle from his perfect face.

“Oh stop it you.” I say to him, failing at hiding the grin that is slowly spreading across my face. 

We dance without saying a word, lost in eachothers eyes, until the song ends and I hear the party inside cheer for their performance. At this I am snapped out of this beautiful fantasy I have created with this wonderful man, and back to the harsh truth of my life. I sadly pull away from Malcoms warm embrace, staring down at my feet as I gather my thoughts.

”What’s wrong?” Maclom asks, his voice laced with concern.

”Nothing, it's just,” I take a deep breath before continuing my statement. “Look. I love you and I always have,” 

“I love you too!” He interrupts. I hold up my hand, quietly pleading for him to let me finish my statement.

”But, I don’t know how we can do this. There is no way we can be together publicly, and my mother is already trying to set me up with a wife. I just…” I trail off, my mind going a million miles a minute as I think of every possible way in which this relationship could end disastrously.

”Hey hey hey, look at me.” Malcolm grabs my face in his hands and gently turns my head to look at him. As I make eye contact with him, I feel tears start to form in my eyes. I don’t want to cry in front of him, but I can’t help it. I just got all that I had been wanting for years, and now all I can think about is how terribly this will end.

”Henry. It’s ok, well figure this out alright?” At this, he pulls me into a tight hug, I hold him close as I have been wanting to do for so long. 

“I know that things are not ideal, but I’ll think of something ok? I’m not going to lose you now that I have you. I will never let you go.”

We stand in the garden like that for a few more minutes, entangled in a warm embrace as we try to forget the disapproving world around us. After what feels both like an eternity and only a few moments, Maclom pulls away from me, claiming that he needs to get back for the next song. As he turns to walk away, I am suddenly consumed with an urge that I had spent years pushing away. 

“Malcom wait.”

He pauses for a moment, turning to face me just as I grab his shoulders and pull him into a kiss. He freezes for just a moment before his entire body softens and his gentle lips kiss me back. His hands find their way around my hips and he pulls me closer, deepening our kiss. At that moment, all of my worries for our future and what the world has in store for us disappear. I know that no matter what happens, I will always love Malcom, and he will always love me, and there is nobody in this entire rotten world that can take that away from us. As we finally emerge from our kiss I look him dead in the eyes.

”I trust you.” I say, holding his steady and lovestruck gaze. “No matter what happens, I will care for you and I trust you when you say that we will figure this out.” 

He smiles at my words and gives me one final gentle peck on the lips before turning and walking back to the party. I watch him as he leaves, grateful that I was able to find somebody like him. Once he is out of sight I sigh gently and look up at the endless sky filled with stars. I don’t know what the future holds. Perhaps we will find a way to keep our love a secret and spend the rest of our lives together until age finally decides to take us. Or maybe we will be found out, and stripped of all material possessions, tossed to the outskirts of society without a penny to our names. I have no crystal ball that can tell me where this story ends, but what I do know is that I will always have this night in the gardens with Malcom. And nothing can ever take that away from me.