Conquering From Within

"There is some sort of counter-intuitive truism stating that it's all your head. I am not quite a fan of this abstract, mainly because the harder I try to believe in it, the more obnoxious any situation becomes. When your heart is beating faster than the velocity of a Buggati Veyron, an accelerated breath and a feeling that I can collapse at any moment, it's vague to say that". I say this out loud to my therapist who gives me a deadpan expression along with a few nods after listening to my remark. "Seems like you're under the influence of performance anxiety", she utter, still with a straight face. Even though that was basic, I displayed a sense of oozing confusion. The perplexity justified the need to deal with the situation, since for a person whose life depended on a job that includes wide oration and public speaking, I couldn't afford to lose esteem be it before or during the event.

'Knowing that you can fully deliver what you're about to yourself and to your audience lowers your performance anxiety. This can be achieved with practise", she stopped looking at the clock and ended our session for the day. A feeling of uneasiness breezed through me for I knew that this wasn't enough. They say 'practice makes a man perfect'. but it's incomplete for 'practice along with showing up and delivering what you've practised perfectly makes a man close to perfect'. I let these thoughts go and started working diligently for the upcoming biggie; A presentation spech for my startup.

Then came the day. I was sitting in a small chair hiding myself behind the stage room in anticipation of giving out the perfect public presentation. The more I sensed the settlement of people in the room, the more spiky the butterflies in my gut went. 'What if I mess up', what if the company I'm under, fires me because of my terrible feat'. The anxiety had uncontrollably taken over. My super conscious was disgusted in myself for being so poignant at the instant. To add salt over the wound, something peculiar started happening to my legs which were evidently trembling. This gave me chills throughout my entire body. I was now on 'red-alert'. Nothing seemed straight.. My personal doomsday had arrived. After a few moments, my name echoed followed by my introduction and the venture I was on pursuit for' . Pushing the curtains aside, I started wrestling my way towards the podium. 'Good morning to one and all present her', I commenced. 'As per the success of our latest product launch, our sales have boomed on a drastic scale, even though it's fairly stable, we need to keep investing in the upcoming marketing shares'. I began speaking about something I had fully prepared for. Within five minutes, my body eased the tension and I felt optimum. 'And that's how why you should give chances to the startups for they are the future'. I ended boldly, after speaking for nearly fifteen minutes, feeling prouder than ever. A cascade of claps followed and I felt my purpose had been achieved. People at the backstage greeted me with back pats and appreciation. I felt like I had done enough. With a sense of calm,, I sat patiently waiting for the decision to strike a deal with my venture. I was confident everything would be okay and that maybe my therapist was right, everything indeed was just in my head. After an hour of patiently waiting, came the closure. The manager spoke, 'We at our enterprise wouldn't like to invest in your company, it just doesn't seem worth it'..... WHAAA! HOWW! In the world is this possible. All my bravery sank in that moment and I whispered okay with a stoned heart neither defending nor justifying. What in the seventh hell just happened. I couldn't fathom this defeat. Something that seemed so amazing at one instant turned out to be a failure the next. I was shattered. My mind had just betrayed me. I went home and sobbed for some time, fixing an appointment with my therapist.

'' It's all right, these events happen sometimes. It's all a part of life'', she said the next day in her sweet little voice. 'What! a part, no way. How can failure greet me if all I did was give my best and delivered something what my inner critic felt was great. I had to get that deal.' I uttered.

''Consider this as a stepping stone towards greatness and perfection. There are a lot of things that happen which are generally out of control. You gave your best, that's all that matters''.

'No it doesn't , it's not enough. I hate my life, nothing works out because of my stupid anxiety. I don't want to take this anymore.'

I blasted. ''Don't think what can go wrong, instead focus on what could go right. Visualise your success and avoid thoughts that pull you down''. 'Ugh you don't understand'. I passed a sullen comment. "What if I give you a homework that whenever you start feeling ill at ease, write down whatever you're experiencing physiologically and emotionally. Would you be able to do that". she spoke, ignoring what I had just said. 'Okay', I conversed and off went our session for the day again.

With a heavy heart and a lot of questions unanswered, I laid down, half asleep when a familiar ringtone of a phone met my ears. Picking up sternly, I went on rebuking with a 'hello'. 'Hello', greeted the other voice, Is this K speaking. I'm the CEO of the enterprise company, we rejected your offer today but we want to offer you the position of CFO at our company. We can work in collaboration whilst you can continue your own share of investments'. I couldn't believe that for a second, what, did you just say CFO. Are you serious. 'Yes', a recognisable other side explained to me how much they liked my venture and that it was a little hasty of them to decline abruptly. There was a bittersweet feeling looming. I couldn't fathom on how to react to it all. Was this really happening. I replied with a soft 'I'll return to you in awhile after thinking through', knowing fully well, I will not turn this opportunity down. I hung up the call and burst into tears. But this time that of joy and pride. Never in a million years had I imagined, I'd be offered a position as a CFO. I was lost in thoughts and suddenly no more tired. Is this how being the happiest feels like, I felt. I saw the official deal they had now agreed to sign up for in my mail that I shortly received afterwards. I was stunned beyond words. A few more tears fell when I took a flashback for how much I began doubting myself, being fully aware I had done a good job.

My eyes weren't exhausted anymore and my mind whispered back to itself ;see I told you, it was all just in your head. Oh how foolish I had been to let a defeat take over me so crazily! Later that night, after comprehending fully, I thought again of how a human takes a let down so seriously as if it's the end of the world. How one loses his own esteem, the minute someone else starts to doubt it. The real treasure lies in endurance, I stated. To have an immovable faith and to dare when all is lost, to go through the adversity like a warrior and allowing the fearfulness to be a part of being human. Who says that this is not greatness. Let those jitters be there. Instead of resisting them, embrace it and give your best whatever the result might turn out to be. The ultimate satisfaction lies in hard work, that in itself is the greatest reward. I could feel my eyes pack in and reach a dream like state after a long unexpected day with my body now finally dozing off. 'It's all in my head'. 'It's just in my head' . I whispered and took off for a snooze.

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