Journeys Collide

Lacing up my boots to my thick silver suit, I can't bring myself to lift my head up and look at my friends. When the news was first revealed to myself a few days early, they couldn't believe it either. My friends and I are the only ones capable of showing complex emotion. I'd guessed the administration was trying to gradually become better at developing us. However, despite their newfound creativity, they still can't seem to make names for the facilities in the building - which doesn't have a name either.

I’m Jonathan 2. Modelled in the image of the first Jonathan, which has become a role model in our small society. I haven't managed to live up to the name yet, but I've been given the chance to try. Today I'm getting sent to the moon. 

Deciding to look up I see my friends. Arnol 1, Noah 8 and Hayden 5. We're the only ones in the program that live together, and I believe it's because we're the youngest creations and they like to experiment, as always. Glancing at their faces I see stiff features and sweat lining their skin. I don't know what I'd be able to say to calm them down. I'm not even equipped with what to tell myself. 

I’ve always been terrified of the prospect of space, that’s not news to anyone.

Mustering up the widest smile I can, I sigh and mutter to the people before me what I've been trying to explain for the past week.

"Guys, relax. I'll be fine. I'll be up there and prove to everyone that I'm as talented as the one before me! And then, once you show them that you can do it too, you'll join me there. It'll be like nothing ever changed."

I'm not sure if I'm trying to convince them or myself anymore. 

However, Arnol, only a small girl of 6 years looks up at me - hopeful. Despite everything, my mouth manages to curl up into a small smile.

Noah, the same age as his assigned number, sighs and shakes his head. Since the day of the big news, it seemed he had become the most furious. He knew that I couldn't do anything, so all that was left to do was turn my head to Hayden.

"You're only fourteen. The age everybody before us has been sent was at least seventeen, it's not fair. Please, tell them not to send you, it's not too late... there's still a few hours before the launch. And if not, we can help you hide the suit! You'll tell them you lost it and it'll have to get delayed. It won't be 3 years, but it'll be something. We can do it again and again! They can't punish you, they won't... They aren't that evil. Please, I beg you, just try, please."

I've never seen outside our premises but I've always wondered if all eleven year old's manage to be so infuriating. The boy standing in front of me was so intuitive even I often thought about whether he was saying was the truth. 

Not about the administration being unable to punish me. They were very able to do so and many memories serve as reminders. Hayden didn't know that part.

What might be the truth is that it's not fair. The administration makes up their own rules; what's fair is up to them. We can't fight it so what's the point of thinking about it?

Sooner or later everyone here will become as mindless as the rest. Hopefully for the people in this room, they'll get sent to where I'm going. Where only the strong go.

Hayden averting his attention to my hand returns me to the present day. 

A shivering hand of scars betrays my prior thoughts. Where are my gloves? At least they haven't seen the worst of it yet, which forces me to instinctively cover my chest.

Sucking in a breath I begin to speak.

"Hayden..."

He should know I'll be fine. Everyone should. Why would I not be able to do it?

"I’m strong enough, I know you're concerned, someone like me isn't programmed to fail."

"You're scared, it's okay. We can help." Arnol chimes in with her sweet voice, emerging from behind Noah.

It's true, I'm terrified. I have been since I was told. I'm not as strong as the one before me, even though the admins tried. Denying what I tried confessing, dismissing it as lies and assuming I said it only so I'd be spared from the expedition. One time was enough to try and reason with our Head Admin Ava. How did I know? It became clear in my mind when she commanded the doctors to inject me with doses of various poisons. That's when my friends were sent to live with me. A tragedy masked with a blessing. 

Realising I've stayed too long, I attempt to compose my thoughts and pounding heartbeat. “Thank you, but I don't need it. I'll miss you guys.”

Even though I try to raise my voice, it emerges as a shallow whisper as tears prickle at my eyes. “I better see you guys up there with me soon. Bye for now.”

Quickly, I rush to grab the door handle, turning it and opening the door.

"We knew you could do it. We just wished it didn't have to end this way."

That's when I slammed the door shut and started leaving as fast as I could.

Noah's last words repeated in my mind. Was I too harsh? I loved my friends. They made me laugh and cry. They made me furious until my veins turned a deep, dark ivy green protruding out of pale skin. Still, there was little to do here. The biggest excitement anyone ever had was the huge yearly announcement. Exciting to everybody except the person that was chosen, of course. And even though they've kept me good company these past few months, even managing to celebrate Arnol's 6th birthday... Today it seemed as though none of it mattered. That, even though they knew I was powerless in the system, a mannequin controlled by higher power, I betrayed them. 

I picked up my speed, creating a boisterous clamor from my baggy suit as my feet hit the ground hard.

On the other hand, I shouldn't be so rough on them. Now that I'm gone, they'll be by themselves. Especially Arnol... I hope they'll take good care of her.

Slowing down and sighing lightly I try to ease up. And the rest of the journey to the site went by in a blur.

About ten minutes passed until I saw the uneasily familiar grand grey doors that led to the yard. Already I could hear the voice of Ava screaming at workers, although only mildly. Most of the sound was blocked off by the barricade. Approaching staff stood by the doors checking my uniform and number when at last they let me through.

"I have no time, I told you when to finish by. Who hired you? You're as useless as the rest of the outside."

A terrified man stares back into the deep green eyes of a situation he obviously had no knowledge of how he found himself in.

"I sense you won't be seen around here anymore."

Cue the tasers. 

I try my best to hide my shivering, although once she finds me and gazes into my own eyes, I'm convinced I look as pale as that dead man on the ground. Where are my gloves? Although I keep trying, my hands never cease but by some trick from a god, get much worse. As she gets closer I wish I had never left my room, I miss all my friends. It was safe there, the safest place I've ever been.

I can smell her scent in this new silence, lots of green plants. A forest, I think they called it. I was told nature was supposed to be calming, but in this moment I felt anything but calm. Too afraid to open my eyes I shudder and cry. I know everyone is staring at me. 

When the darkness seems too much to bear my eyes open. Wiping them with a hand, I notice how small it is in comparison to the suit I wear. As small as I feel in the middle of every other person stood here. 

"Are you quite done?" Ava asks as I look up at her. I nod slowly. "Dry your face. That won't do in the atmosphere." All the workers and staff in that moment decide to return to their jobs, filling the space with much needed chatter again. As she turns around I try my best to keep up with her as we approach the rocket, but I can't bring myself to look at it yet. Concrete sand moves slightly beneath my boot soles and I find strange comfort in it. This will be the last time I'll have my feet planted on earth. The people here, talking... the birds flying above us all, the light breeze. 

There will be people there, though, I was told. Every person is sent for a reason, to expand. However, none of us except the admins have heard anything from the people sent.

If we’re to believe them.

Nearing the object that would take me thousands of feet away from everything I knew, I now had no choice but to face it. Even though we were still around fifty feet away, my neck ached from craning up to face it - and I felt my nerves bubbling up again.

"Remember Jonathan 2, this is extremely important and you're needed to do your best once you get there. If we hear about any misbehaviour, you'll be begging for poison. Do you hear me?" 

Mustering up a small ‘yes’, I cursed myself as my voice shook. I've tried so hard, but it's evident I'm terrified. There was no point to attempt to hide it after that scene in the yard. Why could they have not waited another three years? Their calculations have never failed, but... I can't help to feel unsure. 

"I can see you’re confused, furious, scared. Get your act together, you're doing something the outside couldn't ever even dream of, at a young age too, you should think of yourself very lucky."

Keeping my head low was an invitation for more pleasant chatter.

"Don't think I'm stupid even for a second, I realise that many people don't like this place and would murder me if they ever got the chance, I also realise my methods may not suit everyone but none of you were put here for comfort. You're all modified to be the best. To the outside, this is where they'd love to be. To you, not so much. Even if you're frightened, I'd imagine you'd be thankful to say the least."

She was telling the truth. Maybe this is just me being gullible and naive but if anyone at my age was going to be sent for this mission, it would be me. Jonathan 2, the new hero modelled from the last. As she said, I can be scared, I am, but this is also an opportunity many people don't get and I should acknowledge it.

"You're right, I'm sorry."

Continuing on as if I had never said anything, we end up at the rocket. 

Sighing, I realise this is my time. As my hands don't cease shaking, I receive help to enter my shuttle. Once I'm left alone and the doors are shut, I stare over at my white seat and strap myself inside, checking my communication device. I grip on to it tightly and hold it against my chest. This is one of the last connections I have to the people below me.

Reaching into the left sleeve of my suit I manage to pull out a photo I took of my friends and I together with an old polaroid camera I found. Suddenly a tear rolls down my cheek and this time I don't try to stop it.

I'm not angry or worried anymore, I think my brain has tried blocking that as much as possible now. I just miss my friends. Thinking about it, I was stupid for not trying to end on a happy note with them. I hope they can forgive me, otherwise I'd never be able to forgive myself. Maybe I could find a way to contact them once I find a device... That would be the best thing ever. We would be able to have normal conversations as if I never even left in the first place.

Carefully, I set the communication device down and grip onto the photo instead, gazing out in front of me, thinking about whatever and waiting for launch.

‘When the countdown has ended, open the letter on your right and follow the instructions.’

The last message sent from the device seems to be the only thing running through my mind as I'm literally seconds away from the countdown. I've spent too long thinking about things of little importance, instead of about what to do when I'm launched into the sky. My thoughts are cut short however, when it begins.

"Ten..."

"Holy crap.”

"Seven..."

"Make everyone below you proud. Show them what it means to be Jonathan 2."

"Five..."

"Come on, come on, come on.”

"Two..."

I whisper, "For Arnol, Noah and Hayden."

Rumble.

Slamming my eyes shut, my nerves arise and my stomach drops to the floor - if we were still connected to it. As soon as I open my eyes I reach for the letter. Peering, it writes "For the eyes of Jonathan 2."

I want to open it but I start thinking about what's outside. It's strange, before entering this rocket I thought space was the most terrifying thing, though we were scared into loving it. That didn’t work.

Looking around myself I realise there are no windows. A packed space of countless chalky white or shimmering silver objects. The only other colour I can see around me is on my helmet, sat perched in front of me. While still in my room at the facility my friends and I once decorated it with a few drawings. Flowers, foods, animals. Luxuries none of us saw but heard about, even though Noah once tried convincing us he had seen a rose grow in the yard, which was obviously a lie because none of us actually know what one looks like. Nevertheless it provided comfort to be able to look at it, all smudged and fading. Cheap crayons don't mix well with sweat.

Once the boosters detached I finally decided to rip open the letter and read.

"Writing to you is Admin Kinsley, sent by Ava. You should be well on your way to your destination by now. I mean, you've already been on your way months ago."

“Everybody is told that the administration makes no mistakes and is very precise with calculations. When we tell everyone this, we aren’t wrong. We weren’t until you were made. Initially, you were the same as everyone else. Even if not as strong as Jonathan 1, you were normal in our expectations. Then, later we realised you were a mistake that should have never happened, a failed experiment.”

My trembling hands begin to make it difficult to read the paper.

"You've done nothing wrong, of course. It really all started when you decided to try and fight back against us. (Which was the most stupid thing anyone has done, emotions are a funny thing.) I guess it was a restless day when we injected you with those doses of poison. Somehow the dose was miscalculated, leading to a disaster you don't know about. If it's of any consolation, the doctor responsible for the procedure was fired. Personally I wish we could have experimented with you here longer but Ava was adamant on sending you away on your due date." 

"We aren't sure exactly how it works yet but it's fascinating. Thankfully we were permitted to collect enough data to continue research when you're gone. You see, the poison somehow created divisions in your mind... creating hallucinations of a sort. Now, this is not a confirmed theory, however the way we mixed your emotions might have had a part in this too. What I think is the different feelings we tried to depict in you got separated into different beings you saw, with the help of the poison. Vulnerability, rage, curiosity, eagerness. Not quite what any of us expected. Even if you weren't the way we wanted you to be, you certainly weren't a waste of time... thousands of more experiments will be conducted in your name. If Jonathan 1 was a hero, Jonathan 2 would be remembered as a martyr of science. So, if you haven’t grasped it yet, whoever you thought lived in your room with you was not real.”

Tears fight over space left on my face, dropping onto the sheet of paper.

"Arnol, Noah, Hayden... All results of my messed up brain? I was alone all this time and they decided to finally depose a nutcase." 

Anger I tried expressing came out as almost a whisper.

“Finally, your destination isn't the moon, it's the ground. Or the sea, wherever you hit. Not enough fuel was added to your tank, so you’ll return to where you were terrified of leaving. Count it as a blessing, I wouldn't want to spend my time up in that cold dark place for the rest of my life either, especially with that mind of yours. Who knows what crazy things you'd come up with next.

Regards, Admin Kinsley.” 

That's when I lost all control of my arm and let it fall to my side, watching the piece of paper float still in the atmosphere. Tears stopped falling due to gravity and just stung, stabbing at my eyes.

My stomach would drop to the floor after all.