No chicken tenders, no multi versus

🐈‍⬛ Karen B. ★☆☆☆☆ Sep 11, 2023

My advise... stay away!!! Place does NOT have multi versus, not even one. And rude. They laughed when I said I was waiting for date and had reservation. Made me sit alone at bar. Super expensive plate tasted like sand vomit. Don't know why its still in business. U act like ur all special but don't have diet coke and not even have chicken tenders. Seriously? And manager tried to kiss me. Gross. Not hygenic.

🌌 Response from Felix S. of Parallel Dine 49 (Business Owner)

Sep 12, 2023: Hello Karen, First off, no one in Parallel Dine 49 tried to kiss you. That's a serious accusation, and we do take it seriously. We have reviewed the security camera footage at all of our locations and have found no evidence of anything close to that occurring. We would kindly appreciate it if you would rethink that part of your review.

Second, we're truly sorry if anyone embarrassed you by laughing. That was not our intention. It was simply surprise. We were surprised by how you so brazenly pushed past security. We were also surprised by how you claimed to have a date with Ryan Reynolds and demanded chicken tenders while you waited. Sometimes, all one can do in moments like those is laugh.

Please understand the we are not trying to act special when it comes to requiring reservations. Everyone, even Ryan Reynolds, needs to make a reservation months, if not years, in advance. It takes time to arrange the finest gastronomic dining experience in the multiverse, to coordinate the most intimate tête-à-tête with all possible versions of oneself.

For example, let's hypothetically say Ryan Reynolds has indeed dined with us on more than one occasion. Imagine all the wrangling that must take place in order for that to happen: the keeping track of filming schedules across 49 universes; the maintaining of focus all while being starstruck by 49 versions of Reynolds' unmatched, simply phenomenal sense of humor; the preparing of 49 divine dinners whose flavors complement each other in such a way that they allow the Reynolds to commune with their innermost selves across the multiverse. It takes a lot of work to get it right.

That is why we can't accept walk-ins, Karen. Honestly, we only let you sit at the bar and gave you a complimentary hors d'oeuvre because we felt bad for you. Now, we realize that the maple-caramelized figs topped with smoky bacon and infused with raspberry nanoflakes that we set before you were not chicken tenders, but that was no reason to spit them out on the floor. And that is why you were politely escorted off the Parallel Dine 49 premises.

Lastly Karen, we wanted to say that, frankly, it's amazing that all 49 versions of you haven't discovered spellcheck. Yes that's right, every one of you somehow posted this same one-star review across the multiverse (we checked). Seriously, it's astounding that all of you showed up at our restaurants at the exact same time with identical Ryan Reynolds stories and chicken tender demands.

Think about it: That's like flipping 49 coins repeatedly and having them all land on heads over and over again. Is it possible to be so utterly predictable that all laws of probability across the multiverse break down? Your exploits have shown that the answer is a resounding yes.

In honor of this truly impossible achievement, all 49 of our locations have posted this same response to your review. We salute you Karen, and we wish you the best of luck in finding your chicken tenders elsewhere.

You have a private message from Felix S. of Parallel Dine 49

(Business Owner)

🌌Felix S. (Sep 17, 9:34 AM)

Hello Karen, Thank you again for dining with us and for your review! We are so sorry to have disappointed you and have removed our previous response. That was rash of us to lash out like that. It was not professional. It was disrespectful. We hate ourselves for it.

Twenty-two of us, myself included, are sending you a direct message, while the other 22 are posting public apologies as we speak. As for the other five of the Parallel Dine 49… they are gone.

You see, I think we've done something horribly wrong. I think it started with our identical encounters, followed by your identical reviews, which we foolishly exacerbated by posting identical replies. I think we're somehow squeezing the multiverse out of existence with our sameness.

Please realize I'm not talking about just five restaurants shutting down. Trillions of lives have been snuffed out. Five universes are gone, Karen.

And the astrophysicists can squabble all they want over some grand unified theory, but both you and I know what really happened. That is why we who were once the Parallel Dine 49 seek to undo what has been done, to reverse this awful convergence of space and time.

We hope that we can help by issuing these individualized apologies, but we need your help to make it right. I and my counterparts suspect that you are a constant across the swirling chaos of the multiverse. Possibilities collide and spiral and multiply throughout the ever expanding cosmos, yet you remain unchanged.

But it doesn't have to be that way. You could do something the other Karens won't do. You could change your earlier review. Please consider it.

Additionally, I wanted to share with you that all of our remaining locations have agreed to add chicken tenders to our menu.

🐈‍⬛ Karen B. (Sep 17, 9:43 AM)

And diet coke??

🌌Felix S. (Sep 17, 9:47 AM)

Yes, you're quite right. All of our locations will now carry diet Coke as well. Thank you for the suggestion, Karen!

In terms of achieving divergence for the sake of the multiverse, may I suggest that you do something the other Karens likely wouldn't do? From your picture, I gather that you like cats. May I suggest that you get a dog? Alternatively, have you thought about getting a tattoo? Or perhaps you could remove or change your earlier review?

🐈‍⬛ Karen B. (Sep 17, 9:49 AM)

No. Say I'm not boring. Tell how u wanted to kiss me but got scared when Ryan Reynolds showed up

🌌Felix S. (Sep 17, 10:23 AM)

Okay. We're sorry we said you were predictable, Karen. You are certainly not boring! And you're absolutely right that I wanted to kiss you. My God, the way you walked in there like you owned the place was intoxicating. I was also terrified when Ryan Reynolds showed up, just like you said he would.  

🐈‍⬛ Karen B. (Sep 17, 10:24 AM)

And u wet ur pants🙄

🌌Felix S. (Sep 17, 10:25 AM)

Come on, Karen. We're both adults.

🐈‍⬛ Karen B. (Sep 17, 10:25 AM)

Say u wet ur pants or I wont change my review

🌌Felix S. (Sep 17, 10:39 AM)

Okay, you got me. I was hoping you hadn't noticed, but I couldn't help it with the way Ryan Reynolds was towering over me. And when he made one of those off-the-cuff jokes that frequently foreshadow a series of violent acts in his films, it was bye-bye bladder control.

Are you satisfied? I would greatly appreciate if you would modify your earlier review.

🐈‍⬛ Karen B. (Sep 17, 10:41 AM)

No say it so everyone can see

🌌Felix S. (Sep 17, 10:44 AM)

Please. This restaurant is my life. I can survive a bad review, but this would ruin me. This is about more than you and me. The entire multiverse is at stake. Please Karen?

🐈‍⬛ Karen B. (Sep 17, 10:45 AM)

NO there is no multi versus.

🌌Felix S. (Sep 17, 10:46 AM)

Screw you Karen.

🌌Felix S. (Sep 20, 4:45 PM)

Hello again. I'm sorry for my earlier outburst. I see you've updated your review for Parallel Dine 49... as have all the other Karens.

Those reviews now include screenshots of our private conversations. And you know what the truly terrible thing is? Those screenshots are all identical. Yes, the 22 of us who sent your personalized messages somehow wrote the exact same message. As for the 22 who posted public apologies, they're gone along with their respective universes.

Way to go Karen! Also, it's simply amazing that you're tech-savvy enough to post screenshots but still don't know how to use simple spellcheck.

🌌Felix S. (Sep 20, 4:52 PM)

I'm sorry, I meant that last part as a compliment. It just came out wrong. Obviously, our current approach isn't working.

So… how about I set you up on a date with Ryan Reynolds? I was being facetious earlier when I said he might have dined with us a few times. He's a regular customer. No, he's more than that. He's a friend, and I know he would be delighted to meet you.

🌌Felix S. (Sep 22, 10:37 AM)

Karen? I'm surprised I haven't heard back from you. I do hope everything is all right.

I wanted to let you know that Ryan Reynolds has confirmed he's available for 8:00 PM this Wednesday. I've told him all about you, and he can't wait to meet.

Would you mind sharing your address? He would like to pick you up himself.

🐈‍⬛ Karen B. (Sep 22, 12:46 PM)

Hes married idiot

🌌Felix S. (Sep 22, 12:49 PM)

Don't worry, his wife's in California. Also, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but they're thinking about separating anyway.

🐈‍⬛ Karen B. (Sep 22, 12:52 PM)

Ur lying. Blake and Ryan are BEST couple. And I'm not cheater😡

🌌Felix S. (Sep 22, 1:11 PM)

So you showed up to my restaurant with a story about having a date with Ryan Reynolds, but now that I've actually gone through the trouble of setting up a real-life date with him, you're "not cheater"? In what multiverse does that make sense? You're either a cheater or a liar. Pick one.

🐈‍⬛ Karen B. (Sep 22, 1:19 PM)

U r stupid

🌌Felix S. (Sep 24, 9:30 AM)

Okay, I explained our predicament to Ryan Reynolds. He did one of his deadpan jokes. I won't even try to tell it because it wouldn't be nearly as funny. In fact, I'll let him tell it to you because… Guess what? He and his wife have already split!

You just haven't heard about their divorce yet because they want to avoid the paparazzi.

That means you're in the clear, Karen. It's not cheating.

Also, don't worry about providing your address. I realized it might seem weird to give that out online, so Ryan Reynolds will just meet you at the restaurant.

All you have to do is show up at Parallel Dine 49 at 8:00 PM this Wednesday. And I think you're going to love our new menu!

🌌Felix S. (Sep 28, 3:37 AM)

You stood Ryan Reynolds up, Karen. He's distraught. Zero jokes from him since that night. I didn't want to tell you earlier, but he actually left his wife for you.

Maybe you don't owe me an explanation, but you could've at least done him the courtesy of calling.

🌌Felix S. (Sep 28, 2:07 PM)

Karen?

🌌Felix S. (Sep 29, 1:39 AM)

Oh, well played, Karen. Well played.

You saw through our ruse, and now 40 of our brethren have fallen into the black hole of boring that is Karen.

You've won this round but know that we who remain, the Parallel Dine 9, are done playing nice.

Just. You. Wait.

🌌Felix S. (Oct 5, 8:32 PM)

Hello again, Karen. The three of us who remain have done as you asked. Please check our replies to your reviews.

We have agreed with all of your screenshots. We have gone into great detail about how we peed ourselves before Ryan Reynolds. We have expressed our irresistible urge to kiss you and have let what remains of the multiverse know that you are the most interesting woman alive.

We have groveled before you. We have exposed our soft underbellies in hopes of your impossible mercy.

We have done all that, but somehow I don't think it will work.

I have not told the others, but I cannot bear to be the last. I cannot bear the sense of sameness creeping into my being.

For that reason, this message will be my last. Perhaps I retain some small hope that by vacating this universe I will have created enough of a divergence for these last three universes to survive.

I can only pray that the others are not harboring this same hope.

Goodbye, Karen. You are the lowest common denominator toward which all things gravitate. You are a force of nature, and for that I can bear you no ill will.

I hope that the next time you bite into a chicken tender, you will taste something beyond overcooked meat shrouded within crispy layers of lies.

I hope you will taste of the ultimate truth.

And in that moment of wonder, I hope you will think of me.

🐈‍⬛ Karen B. (Oct 6, 6:07 PM)

 Ugh 🤮 fine I will change my review if u just shut up!!

🌌Felix S. of Parallel Dine 49 (Business Owner) user profile is inactive and can no longer receive messages