Science Fiction Funny

๐Ÿˆโ€โฌ› Karen B. โ˜…โ˜†โ˜†โ˜†โ˜† Sep 11, 2023

My advise... stay away!!! Place does NOT have multi versus, not even one. And rude. They laughed when I said I was waiting for date and had reservation. Made me sit alone at bar. Super expensive plate tasted like sand vomit. Don't know why its still in business. U act like ur all special but don't have diet coke and not even have chicken tenders. Seriously? And manager tried to kiss me. Gross. Not hygenic.

๐ŸŒŒ Response from Felix S. of Parallel Dine 49 (Business Owner)

Sep 12, 2023: Hello Karen, First off, no one in Parallel Dine 49 tried to kiss you. That's a serious accusation, and we do take it seriously. We have reviewed the security camera footage at all of our locations and have found no evidence of anything close to that occurring. We would kindly appreciate it if you would rethink that part of your review.

Second, we're truly sorry if anyone embarrassed you by laughing. That was not our intention. It was simply surprise. We were surprised by how you so brazenly pushed past security. We were also surprised by how you claimed to have a date with Ryan Reynolds and demanded chicken tenders while you waited. Sometimes, all one can do in moments like those is laugh.

Please understand the we are not trying to act special when it comes to requiring reservations. Everyone, even Ryan Reynolds, needs to make a reservation months, if not years, in advance. It takes time to arrange the finest gastronomic dining experience in the multiverse, to coordinate the most intimate tรชte-ร -tรชte with all possible versions of oneself.

For example, let's hypothetically say Ryan Reynolds has indeed dined with us on more than one occasion. Imagine all the wrangling that must take place in order for that to happen: the keeping track of filming schedules across 49 universes; the maintaining of focus all while being starstruck by 49 versions of Reynolds' unmatched, simply phenomenal sense of humor; the preparing of 49 divine dinners whose flavors complement each other in such a way that they allow the Reynolds to commune with their innermost selves across the multiverse. It takes a lot of work to get it right.

That is why we can't accept walk-ins, Karen. Honestly, we only let you sit at the bar and gave you a complimentary hors d'oeuvre because we felt bad for you. Now, we realize that the maple-caramelized figs topped with smoky bacon and infused with raspberry nanoflakes that we set before you were not chicken tenders, but that was no reason to spit them out on the floor. And that is why you were politely escorted off the Parallel Dine 49 premises.

Lastly Karen, we wanted to say that, frankly, it's amazing that all 49 versions of you haven't discovered spellcheck. Yes that's right, every one of you somehow posted this same one-star review across the multiverse (we checked). Seriously, it's astounding that all of you showed up at our restaurants at the exact same time with identical Ryan Reynolds stories and chicken tender demands.

Think about it: That's like flipping 49 coins repeatedly and having them all land on heads over and over again. Is it possible to be so utterly predictable that all laws of probability across the multiverse break down? Your exploits have shown that the answer is a resounding yes.

In honor of this truly impossible achievement, all 49 of our locations have posted this same response to your review. We salute you Karen, and we wish you the best of luck in finding your chicken tenders elsewhere.

You have a private message from Felix S. of Parallel Dine 49

(Business Owner)

๏ปฟ๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 17, 9:34 AM)

Hello Karen, Thank you again for dining with us and for your review! We are so sorry to have disappointed you and have removed our previous response. That was rash of us to lash out like that. It was not professional. It was disrespectful. We hate ourselves for it.

Twenty-two of us, myself included, are sending you a direct message, while the other 22 are posting public apologies as we speak. As for the other five of the Parallel Dine 49โ€ฆ they are gone.

You see, I think we've done something horribly wrong. I think it started with our identical encounters, followed by your identical reviews, which we foolishly exacerbated by posting identical replies. I think we're somehow squeezing the multiverse out of existence with our sameness.

Please realize I'm not talking about just five restaurants shutting down. Trillions of lives have been snuffed out. Five universes are gone, Karen.

And the astrophysicists can squabble all they want over some grand unified theory, but both you and I know what really happened. That is why we who were once the Parallel Dine 49 seek to undo what has been done, to reverse this awful convergence of space and time.

We hope that we can help by issuing these individualized apologies, but we need your help to make it right. I and my counterparts suspect that you are a constant across the swirling chaos of the multiverse. Possibilities collide and spiral and multiply throughout the ever expanding cosmos, yet you remain unchanged.

But it doesn't have to be that way. You could do something the other Karens won't do. You could change your earlier review. Please consider it.

Additionally, I wanted to share with you that all of our remaining locations have agreed to add chicken tenders to our menu.

๐Ÿˆโ€โฌ› Karen B. (Sep 17, 9:43 AM)

And diet coke??

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 17, 9:47 AM)

Yes, you're quite right. All of our locations will now carry diet Coke as well. Thank you for the suggestion, Karen!

In terms of achieving divergence for the sake of the multiverse, may I suggest that you do something the other Karens likely wouldn't do? From your picture, I gather that you like cats. May I suggest that you get a dog? Alternatively, have you thought about getting a tattoo? Or perhaps you could remove or change your earlier review?

๐Ÿˆโ€โฌ› Karen B. (Sep 17, 9:49 AM)

No. Say I'm not boring. Tell how u wanted to kiss me but got scared when Ryan Reynolds showed up

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 17, 10:23 AM)

Okay. We're sorry we said you were predictable, Karen. You are certainly not boring! And you're absolutely right that I wanted to kiss you. My God, the way you walked in there like you owned the place was intoxicating. I was also terrified when Ryan Reynolds showed up, just like you said he would.ย ย 

๐Ÿˆโ€โฌ› Karen B. (Sep 17, 10:24 AM)

And u wet ur pants๐Ÿ™„

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 17, 10:25 AM)

Come on, Karen. We're both adults.

๐Ÿˆโ€โฌ› Karen B. (Sep 17, 10:25 AM)

Say u wet ur pants or I wont change my review

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 17, 10:39 AM)

Okay, you got me. I was hoping you hadn't noticed, but I couldn't help it with the way Ryan Reynolds was towering over me. And when he made one of those off-the-cuff jokes that frequently foreshadow a series of violent acts in his films, it was bye-bye bladder control.

Are you satisfied? I would greatly appreciate if you would modify your earlier review.

๐Ÿˆโ€โฌ› Karen B. (Sep 17, 10:41 AM)

No say it so everyone can see

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 17, 10:44 AM)

Please. This restaurant is my life. I can survive a bad review, but this would ruin me. This is about more than you and me. The entire multiverse is at stake. Please Karen?

๐Ÿˆโ€โฌ› Karen B. (Sep 17, 10:45 AM)

NO there is no multi versus.

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 17, 10:46 AM)

Screw you Karen.

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 20, 4:45 PM)

Hello again. I'm sorry for my earlier outburst. I see you've updated your review for Parallel Dine 49... as have all the other Karens.

Those reviews now include screenshots of our private conversations. And you know what the truly terrible thing is? Those screenshots are all identical. Yes, the 22 of us who sent your personalized messages somehow wrote the exact same message. As for the 22 who posted public apologies, they're gone along with their respective universes.

Way to go Karen! Also, it's simply amazing that you're tech-savvy enough to post screenshots but still don't know how to use simple spellcheck.

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 20, 4:52 PM)

I'm sorry, I meant that last part as a compliment. It just came out wrong. Obviously, our current approach isn't working.

Soโ€ฆ how about I set you up on a date with Ryan Reynolds? I was being facetious earlier when I said he might have dined with us a few times. He's a regular customer. No, he's more than that. He's a friend, and I know he would be delighted to meet you.

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 22, 10:37 AM)

Karen? I'm surprised I haven't heard back from you. I do hope everything is all right.

I wanted to let you know that Ryan Reynolds has confirmed he's available for 8:00 PM this Wednesday. I've told him all about you, and he can't wait to meet.

Would you mind sharing your address? He would like to pick you up himself.

๐Ÿˆโ€โฌ› Karen B. (Sep 22, 12:46 PM)

Hes married idiot

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 22, 12:49 PM)

Don't worry, his wife's in California. Also, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but they're thinking about separating anyway.

๐Ÿˆโ€โฌ› Karen B. (Sep 22, 12:52 PM)

Ur lying. Blake and Ryan are BEST couple. And I'm not cheater๐Ÿ˜ก

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 22, 1:11 PM)

So you showed up to my restaurant with a story about having a date with Ryan Reynolds, but now that I've actually gone through the trouble of setting up a real-life date with him, you're "not cheater"? In what multiverse does that make sense? You're either a cheater or a liar. Pick one.

๐Ÿˆโ€โฌ› Karen B. (Sep 22, 1:19 PM)

U r stupid

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 24, 9:30 AM)

Okay, I explained our predicament to Ryan Reynolds. He did one of his deadpan jokes. I won't even try to tell it because it wouldn't be nearly as funny. In fact, I'll let him tell it to you becauseโ€ฆ Guess what? He and his wife have already split!

You just haven't heard about their divorce yet because they want to avoid the paparazzi.

That means you're in the clear, Karen. It's not cheating.

Also, don't worry about providing your address. I realized it might seem weird to give that out online, so Ryan Reynolds will just meet you at the restaurant.

All you have to do is show up at Parallel Dine 49 at 8:00 PM this Wednesday. And I think you're going to love our new menu!

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 28, 3:37 AM)

You stood Ryan Reynolds up, Karen. He's distraught. Zero jokes from him since that night. I didn't want to tell you earlier, but he actually left his wife for you.

Maybe you don't owe me an explanation, but you could've at least done him the courtesy of calling.

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 28, 2:07 PM)


๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Sep 29, 1:39 AM)

Oh, well played, Karen. Well played.

You saw through our ruse, and now 40 of our brethren have fallen into the black hole of boring that is Karen.

You've won this round but know that we who remain, the Parallel Dine 9, are done playing nice.

Just. You. Wait.

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. (Oct 5, 8:32 PM)

Hello again, Karen. The three of us who remain have done as you asked. Please check our replies to your reviews.

We have agreed with all of your screenshots. We have gone into great detail about how we peed ourselves before Ryan Reynolds. We have expressed our irresistible urge to kiss you and have let what remains of the multiverse know that you are the most interesting woman alive.

We have groveled before you. We have exposed our soft underbellies in hopes of your impossible mercy.

We have done all that, but somehow I don't think it will work.

I have not told the others, but I cannot bear to be the last. I cannot bear the sense of sameness creeping into my being.

For that reason, this message will be my last. Perhaps I retain some small hope that by vacating this universe I will have created enough of a divergence for these last three universes to survive.

I can only pray that the others are not harboring this same hope.

Goodbye, Karen. You are the lowest common denominator toward which all things gravitate. You are a force of nature, and for that I can bear you no ill will.

I hope that the next time you bite into a chicken tender, you will taste something beyond overcooked meat shrouded within crispy layers of lies.

I hope you will taste of the ultimate truth.

And in that moment of wonder, I hope you will think of me.

๐Ÿˆโ€โฌ› Karen B. (Oct 6, 6:07 PM)

ย Ugh ๐Ÿคฎ fine I will change my review if u just shut up!!

๐ŸŒŒFelix S. of Parallel Dine 49 (Business Owner) user profile is inactive and can no longer receive messages

October 07, 2023 03:27

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.


Kevin Logue
16:25 Oct 07, 2023

Poor Felix, or Felix's got Karened out of existence. This was really fun Robert, and flowed so well. The angry turned grovelling owner is unfortunately so common on review sites, I guess the universe found the ultimate Karen, the single constant. Behind the humour is a wonderfully witty sci-fi, it could be the basis of a Rick and Morty episode. Good stuff! Keep them coming!


Robert Egan
20:07 Oct 07, 2023

Thanks Kevin! I had fun writing this one, although I ran into some extreme formatting limitations with the site's text editor here (bold format doesn't even work). In the end, I had to scrap the cat and cosmos thumbnails that I'd lovingly designed for Karen and Felix, but I guess we still have emoji ๐Ÿ˜‘


Kevin Logue
21:08 Oct 07, 2023

You having fun with it shone through. The cat and cosmos thumbnails still worked a treat ๐Ÿ‘


Robert Egan
02:54 Oct 08, 2023

Thanks, and I just reread your previous comment. "Karened out of existence." That's great!


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
William Duke
16:26 Dec 07, 2023

Great conceit Robert. Extrapolating from the "Karen" that we all know, to a multiversal Karen that is so constant she becomes a black hole is delightful.


Robert Egan
22:31 Dec 07, 2023

Thanks William!


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Sarah Saleem
13:33 Oct 24, 2023

This story is hilarious! Loved the multiverse part!๐Ÿ˜‚


Robert Egan
21:27 Oct 24, 2023

Thanks Sarah!


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
10:14 Oct 19, 2023

Absolutely hilarious! The ultimate Karen Vs The Multiverse! This had me in stitches all the way. Thanks Robert!


Robert Egan
00:19 Oct 21, 2023

Thanks Derrick. Looking forward to checking out your latest!


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Karen Corr
15:39 Oct 14, 2023

Hello Robert, I'm almost afraid to leave a review because of my name.๐Ÿ˜‚ Your story was hilarious!


Robert Egan
21:38 Oct 16, 2023

Hello Karen... I'm happy to report that your stellar review has doubled the current multiverse. Please do not remove or revise your review ๐Ÿคฃ


Karen Corr
23:49 Oct 16, 2023



Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
Jeanne Egan
01:12 Oct 14, 2023

Great quirky sense of humor had me laughing out loud in the spirit of Douglas Adams.


Robert Egan
21:33 Oct 16, 2023

Thanks for reading โค๏ธ


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Andrea Corwin
01:07 Oct 12, 2023

Hilarious and just like a Karen, right? Great job!! We were transported to the online review universe.


Robert Egan
01:20 Oct 12, 2023

Thanks for reading and liking the story Andrea! I'm still desperately hoping that someone with the name Karen will leave my story a review so that we can create a universe within a universe.


Andrea Corwin
18:02 Oct 12, 2023

๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ you are hilarious!! That would be something!


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Show 1 reply
20:41 Oct 11, 2023

What a creative take on the prompt! Not just the setting, but managing to get a story through via reviews and responses. Karen sells this piece. Great voice when she speaks, but her tactical silences also do a lot of work. And as the premise with the multiverse became clear, it occurred to me that in many ways, she was the luckiest woman alive. Identical across all realities, only wanting chicken tenders and diet Coke, she was in constant gastronomic communion with herself. "U r stupid" - ah yes, the silver bullet of diplomacy :) "You ...


Robert Egan
23:11 Oct 11, 2023

Oh, "tactical silence." I like that! And yes, Karen is Karen no matter what. I also appreciate how you saw a bit of sadness in this story (it's possible Karen's right and "there is no multi-versus"). Thanks for reading Michal, and your comments always make me feel better about what I was trying to do!


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Danie Holland
16:25 Oct 11, 2023

Robert, There was so much that was absolutely right about this story. And how do I explain this... it feels as though Ryan Reynolds himself wrote this. I laughed so much. One minor teeny tiny complaint though.... Ryan and Blake are BEST COUPLE. Don't joke about separation. I will literally cry if that happens because I love them both. Their relationship is like the last string holding this world together. If it snaps, no felix in any of the multiverses will be able to save us. Anywho. REALLY loved the sense of humor. Thanks so much ...


Robert Egan
23:00 Oct 11, 2023

๐Ÿคฃyou know, initially I didn't mention Blake anywhere (was worried it could take things too far), but my partner had that same complaint. So, I tweaked Karen's response to let everyone know that, yes, Ryan and Blake are BEST couple!! Thanks for checking out the story Danie, and glad it made you laugh!


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
Audrey Knox
21:49 Oct 10, 2023

This was so fun to read. The world-building and vehicle for conveying the interaction was so creative!


Robert Egan
22:53 Oct 10, 2023

Thanks Audrey!


Show 0 replies
Show 1 reply
RBE | Illustration โ€” We made a writing app for you | 2023-02

We made a writing app for you

Yes, you! Write. Format. Export for ebook and print. 100% free, always.