A Maury Christmas

“Laura, you’re on rice and beans,” Shelly barked out. “If one grain’s even a little mush, I send it back. Nathalie, you’re doing the strip this year.”

“Gross,” Jose let out with a scrunched face.

“Babe, I swear to God. Strip steak! If it’s one degree past medium, I send it back.” She gave Nathalie a wave and sent her off. “Jonathan and Myra, potatoes. Georgie and Georgia, dessert. Anthony-”

“I think you’re out of milk,” Georgie and Georgia said in unison, followed by a gooey ‘aw’ that made the others cringe.

“I love you.”

“I love you and some more.”

“Okay, okay. Anthony, you’re on missing supplies. Get a quick list from the others and go. Don’t get the wrong stuff or-”

“Or you send it back,” he interrupted with a finger snap and smile.

“No, or you don't eat. Now go.” Shelly waved everyone off, turned to her’s and the three boys’ parents, and placed a hand on each of them with a smile. “Mom. Dad.” Both returned ear to ear grins, enthusiastic to be part of the chaos this holiday. “You guys just sit, relax, and let us handle everything.”

Their grins faded.

“Oh,” their Father, Matthew, replied. “Are you sure?”

“We really don’t mind,” their Mother, Nelly, said with a half smile. “We can help with prep. Maybe a small side?”

“No, no. You’ve been so great for years and years and years. It’s time you stay out of the room with 4 burners, an oven and two air fryers going at once. We don’t want last year to happen again.”

“It was just a little heatstroke, Dear,” her father argued. “What do you expect with ten people doing everything at once? That’s the fun.”

“Living room. Both of you. I won’t hear another word. Babe, make sure the prisoners stay in their cell.”

“Yes, Warden Ma’am,” he yelled, escorting her parents out with a salute and march.

Shelly intended to be an extra hand for her siblings and in-laws, coordinating and doling out supplies to avoid the usual thrashing around one another and swiping seasonings from each other. If there was anything the salt shaker being accidentally refilled with sugar taught her last Christmas, it was that someone had to run the circus. Before she could take her post though, the doorbell rang.

She looked around. Three brothers, three significant others, husband, parents, one cousin. Everyone had been accounted for at least another two hours. It was not like the rest of their relatives to even show up on time, let alone early. She opened the door, peeking her head around. “Hello?”

“Hi,” answered a boy fitted with a backpack, and bundled up in a heavy black coat and matching beanie.

“Can I help you?”

“Um, my name’s Noah. And, uh, I’m looking for Guidas? Is he here?”

“I’m sorry, honey. We’re all Guidas here. Do you have a first name, maybe?”

“Oh.” His head dropped. He shook his head, letting out a deep sigh. Shelly scanned him up and down. She’d never seen him around the neighborhood before. He couldn’t be older than thirteen though. Had a small frame; could be tall one day with enough milk. Harmless looking enough for her to want to help him out a little. 

“Come inside a sec.” He passed through into the foyer where to the right was a large opening to the dining room that connected to the kitchen, and to the left was the same type of opening to the living room, which flowed into a hallway of bedrooms. Noah stood in front of a wall that was part of a zig-zagged staircase, rubbing his hands together to warm up.

“EVERYONE TO THE FRONT DOOR NOW,” Shelly exploded to the ceiling. She gave a thumbs up to Noah, whose eyes widened like someone who was trying to walk in the dark without a shred of light around them. He came to this house with a purpose, but it did suddenly dawn on him that he walked into a stranger’s home without thinking as hard about it as he should have. Shelly seemed nice enough though. He hoped. 

The Guidas piled into the foyer, all noticing the extra guest, who was doing his best to avoid their gazes. 

“Okay, guys. This is Noah. Does anyone here recognize Noah? He’s looking for a Guidas but isn't sure which.” Each member of the family swiveled their heads to see if anyone knew the boy. No takers. Shelly looked back at Noah, throwing her hands up in defeat.  

“Well, Noah,” interjected Laura. “What’s your last name? Maybe we know a relative or someone and can go from there?” Shelly’s hands were still up, with her face this time letting Noah know there’s a chance. 

“Mancini.”

Jonathan and Georgie looked like they were walking in the dark now too.

“Mancini, wait, wait,” their Father said with realization on the tip of his tongue. “I know that name, ah. Where have I heard it? Where…ah! Erika. Erika Mancini.”

“The one Anthony dated in college?” Shelly asked. 

“That one, yes.”

“That’s my mom.”

 It was as if a librarian walked into the foyer, shushed the room, and walked out. Shelly, mouth gaped open, swiveled her head around the room. All the Guidas had the same thought in their mind, conjoining into one singular thought bubble between them. Was it the same nose? Are their cheek bones the same height? Same tone of tan skin? 

“Hold on,” Laura finally broke the silence with. “We’re all jumping the gun a bit here, come on. We don’t even know if the times match up, if the kid has a dad already. And Anthony wouldn’t just not know right…or not tell me if he did?” She took a deep breath. “Noah, how old are you?”

“Twelve.”

Laura looked at the others for confirmation. They replied with a head tilt and head nod. 

“And who are you here looking for?”

“My dad…”

“Well, that was easy,” Jose said, trying to break the rising tension.

“Babe, I swear…” 

Jose cowered behind the parents. 

“Okay, um…let’s wait for Anthony to get back before we keep going on this Maury themed Christmas Carol,” Shelly said, taking control of the situation. “You guys get back to the kitchen and keep going with the food. Noah, go to the living room with our parents for now.”

The Guidas stood still for a second, not sure if they should keep going as usual. Shelly then let out a succession of thunder claps that forced the herds out the foyer. She took a second for herself after they cleared away. Christmas for the Guidas has always been chaotic, but never soap opera chaotic, which she was unsure on how to proceed. Of course, she didn’t have to wait long for the situation to do the work for her.

“Hey, Shelly,” Jonathan whispered, backtracking quickly and grabbing her arm. “I need to see you upstairs for a second.” She fought to keep her balance as he rushed her up the stairs into the bathroom.

Jose, the parents, and Noah in the middle, sat together on the sectional. “So,” Matthew said, “growing up fatherless, single mother. Things must’ve been…well tough.”

“My mom’s a lawyer actually.”

“Ah…long hours I imagine. Must be lonely sometimes.”

“She’s a remote lawyer. I saw a man get 25 to life over her shoulder yesterday.”

Matthew did not know how to follow that up.

“WHAT?” Shelly shook the house. “How? How, how, how, how? Jonny, why?”

“She came to get her stuff after they broke up,” he defended himself. “He wasn’t here and I was the broad, sturdy shoulder that helped her get through a dark, dark time in her life after Anthony left her. I brought a sweet light to her life for a beautiful five minutes.”

“Gross,” she replied with a scrunched face.

“I don’t know what to do if the kid’s mine. I can’t be a dad. And Myra, she’d be crushed.”

“Well, imagine how Laura must feel right now,” she argued.

“The band-aid’s ripped off though. And she loves kids. She might be coming to terms with this already.”

As Laura mixed her steady stream of tears into the pot of black beans, she reflected on her and Anthony’s relationship, playing out what the near-end may look like for them both. 

“So,” Matthew started again, “coming up on those teen years. What does it mean to be a man, manly?”

“I haven’t thought about it that much.”

“Hm…ah. Of course, maybe having some funny thoughts about your friends for the first time? ‘What do I do with all these new emotions?’” Noah shook his head, sorry that he wasn’t giving Matthew what he was looking for.

 Matthew let out a sigh and dropped his head. 

“I need this kid to be Anthony’s, Shelly.”

“What am I supposed to do about that?” she answered dumbfounded. 

“Just…back me up if things go down. Follow my lead.” 

She rubbed her temples aggressively back and forth. “Ugh, fine. Just…go.” Jonathan clapped with a smile, leaving Shelly a kiss on the cheek with an audible ‘muah.’ She took another second to herself before she followed him downstairs. Although she agreed to run the circus, the extra attractions were not listed in her contract. But, if she could focus on getting things back on track, avoid getting anymore involved, and pull off a delicious dinner, well, that’d be nice. That…would have been nice. 

“Hello?” Georgie asked, stretching his neck around the door frame. “Is that my, dear, dear older sister with her infinite wisdom and kindness.”

“What do you need, Georgie? She replied with a small sigh. “Are you missing something else?”

He walked inside, a smile on his face trying to reach each side of the door. “No, no. Nothing like that. You just seemed stressed after that kid showed up,” He grabbed the back of her shoulders and applied a little bit of pressure, “and I just had to make sure you knew it’s all going to work out.” 

Shelly wasn’t going to unravel, but his words provided some sense of relief, even momentarily. She turned to give him a hug. “I’m fine. Just more breaking news than I expected today.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, at least it’s just the kid, right? No other…extra surprises? Unless you know something else all of a sudden that you learned since then? Hm?” She grabbed his shoulders and pushed him at arm's length. 

“Georgie…did you know?”

“Um…”

“Did you know!?”

“So, funny thing…”

Clanking pots and knives chopping against wood could be heard from the living room, along arguments over space and supplies that were being ‘hogged.’ “Lively, isn’t it?” Nelly said to Noah. “Nothing like a big family during the holidays. Sorry if it gets to be a bit much.”

“It’s okay. My mom had to take a couple of walls down in our house so we could have enough space for the rest of the family to fit when we have parties. She had the basement redone for me and all my cousin’s to have our own space from the adults too. I’m used to the noise.”

“Oh…that’s nice.” 

“This kid is doing better in life with zero dads than I did with two,” Jose blurted out. Matthew gave a nod of agreement and disbelief. 

Another ‘WHAT’ interrupted them, shaking the house again. “That’s not good,” Jose worried.

“HOW?” How, how, how, how do I have two slimeball brothers?”

“I know, I know.” Georgie backed away from his sister, afraid she would unravel on him. “It just sort of happened. It was an accident.” He looked past his sister, bringing up the memory of that day. “It was a summer day. Anthony had just dumped Erika, and she showed up to our house to pick up the last of her stuff.”

“How much shit did she have?”

“She was barely dressed in a crop top and short shorts. Her skin…it was so…revealed. I was twenty years old and a late bloomer who felt he had an untapped potential.” Shelly began to feel nauseated. “She was sweet to me. Made me feel good. The guilt consumed me immediately when I realized where it was going. But, those ninety seconds made it all melt away…and she did this thing with her tongue-”

“Stop!” 

“I’m sorry. I just…I don’t think he’s mine, but I don’t know. Jon said it happened with him before me too. It’s just so messy. And what would Georgia think? What do I do, Sis?”

She paused for a moment. “I…don’t know.” She found herself wrapped in a secret between brothers and, although she knew telling one the truth was right, it was a messy truth she didn’t want to see what disaster it would spiral into. It felt like a matter of time before it was out regardless, but she was burdened until it was. 

“I got the stuff,” Anthony yelled out, followed by a slam of the front door. 

“Ah, shit,” Georgie panicked, hurrying out the door, Shelly slowly following behind.

Everyone gathered to the foyer again at the sound of Anthony’s voice, Noah leading the way out the living room. “Hey,” Shelly gave with a friendly smile down the stairs. “Easy trip?”

“I think I got everything.” He noticed Noah. “Who’s the kid?”

“Well, um-”

“My name is Noah. I’m twelve years old.”

“Cool,” Anthony returned with a nod. “Good stuff.”

“My mom is Erika Mancini.”

“Interesting stuff…” he said with curiosity.

“I, um…think you’re my dad?”

Anthony was now in the dark with his brothers. “And that’s…that’s some stuff.” He put down his bag of groceries and took a look around the room. “Well, uh, I just have a couple of questions if you don’t mind, Noah.”

“Everything matches up,” Shelly informed him. 

“Well, okay. Okay, okay, okay.” He looked over at Laura who was hugging herself and avoiding anyone’s gaze. He noticed, but decided to have that conversation in private. He gave his attention to Noah again. So, do you want to go to the other room and talk?”

“That’s probably a good idea,” Jonathan threw in.

“Yeah, I think so too,” Georgie agreed. 

“Actually.” Noah reached around for his backpack, digging through the multiple zipper pockets until he took out a sheet of paper and a pen. “Do you think you could sign this?”

“Huh,” let out Shelly. 

Anthony read the paper. “‘I hereby give permission to go on a George Washington Middle School field trip to the Smithsonian Museum of NYC to my child Noah Mancini. Please see below for parent/guardian signature.’” Anthony lowered the paper. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Well, my mom won’t let me go on the trip because I got a C on my last history test. But I really want to go, and they won’t let me if I don’t have a parent sign.”

“That’s what you came here for?” Shelly burst out. “I thought you wanted to connect with him, or at least try to get some money out of him.”

“It’s actually twenty dollars too,” Noah said sheepishly. 

Anthony stared at Noah before finally letting out a deep breath. He signed it with a couple of flicks of the pen and grabbed a bill out of his pocket. “Where do you live, Noah?”

“515 Arnold Street,” he replied, taking the paper and money. 

“Right across town. Okay, I’ll uh, be seeing you soon.”

“Sure. And thanks.”

“Yeah.”

Noah put everything in his backpack and made his way out the front door. “Merry Christmas, everyone,” he said with a wave as he walked away.

The foyer went back to silent. 

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that,” Anthony broke the silence with after a moment. 

“Nope,” Shelly added on. Anthony walked towards the kitchen after another moment.

“What was I going to be on, Shelly?”

“You’re on clean-up with me.” Shelly dropped her head into her arms that were resting on the banner. “Jesus Christ.”