Bones Like Broken Bread

I spent Pride in a cemetery in a storm. My rainbow was consumed by vibrant, natural greens and greys. My senses were overwhelmed with rain hitting the grass and the sky rumbling and rolling overhead in a summer tantrum. 

           I’m here because often the only time I feel safe is under a sheet of rain in a secluded space. I can marvel at the way my skin turns blue and gray under the storm and I nestle privately to the way my brain feels separate from the body it controls. This is comforting to me in a way that only a deep bone aching apathy can in the 21^st century.

           As I settled barefoot and soaked facing my sister’s gravestone, I spent some time marveling at the staunch sense of realness that consumed me. I looked around at my surroundings and pondered the rare beauty and privacy of the environment.

          Tombstones are spread out over rolling grassy terrain surrounded by a dense forest that muffles the sounds of the city and the cows meandering the fields. I can’t hear anything except for the rain and storm. I am confident that there is no one else around me because what kind of crazy fuck comes out to cemetery during a storm. Certainly not someone I would like to meet.

           I smiled as my mind lit up in a brilliant moment of inspiration and I decided that it was time for me to run away. A moment of clarity that screamed - Move! Get away from here! Start a new life somewhere else and don’t say goodbye to your family or friends! No one cares whether you stick around or not! You have no one!

          Which isn’t accurate – I do have 3 beautiful cats, so the feeling passed as it always does but it was fun while it lasted. 

          I began a meditation; feeling shielded and consumed by the summer storm billowing around my body. Without fail, in the liminal space between a meditative state and some bullshit fleeting thought about my busted truck door a vision flashed before my eyes of a great beast. An intimidating animal that resembled a hound - It reminds me of the old depictions in the Hounds of the Baskerville story that my grandmother let me read far too young. 

          It stands over me, black coat and voided, sunken eyes speckled with the visage of a galaxy I vaguely recognized from an old dream when I was a child. It bares its teeth and snarls, the folds of its mastiff-like mouth seeping globules of foaming drool into the corners of my mind where presumably the ground is. If one’s subconscious has such a thing. 

          I let the familiar beast stand over me while I wrestle with riotous thoughts against the vague, overwhelming systemic parasite that looms over us all, all the time only to ease back into my breath and the summer rain pelting my skin, much colder than one would expect from a southern climate. 

          I tease the demonic dog by reaching out a hand as if to pet the curve of its skull between the infinite eyes. It huffed, offended, and left my sight to circle around me. I could feel its presence but I was used to it and the distant threats no longer scared me.

          I remained like this for an indeterminate amount of time before the rain began to ease up and I opened my eyes, feeling more grounded than I had in a long time. 

Something to the left caught my eye, my head snapped, immediately my delicate sense of Zen and earthly oneness shattered, and I was overwhelmed with anxiety and self-consciousness. I huffed as I realized that it was just a small American flag flapping in the coattails of the Eastbound storm.

Relieved, I glanced around, and a soft shuffling brought my attention to the tree line 20 or so feet away. I smiled. There were a lot of wild rabbits in this area and I was always happy to see them. 

However, instead of a tan bunny with perky ears and a nervous demeanor, a dark figure began to emerge from the tree line. It arose out of the darkened curve of the earth, indistinguishable from the tangled tree roots and the vibrant green canopy. It toppled sluggishly out of the forest. Twigs and branches tore and snapped around it until a single, elongated hand extended out and clutched into the soft mud. 

The humanoid form crawled into the open on all fours. The joints of the creature were visible under loose, tissue paper like skin and were disjointed, broken, hanging loosely from the bones resembling an old-fashioned toy that had been tortured and strung up by a bored child. The legs crackled and flopped behind it, weakly attempting and failing to gain footing against the saturated ground. 

The wrinkles and creases in its skin were blackened and melted away in the light rain like a charcoal drawing, splattering the grass around it only to be washed away. The skin hung down heavily from its boney frame leaving a skull wrapped tightly in a translucent, veiny outline. A vacuumed of membrane emphasized its empty eyes, missing nose and a mutilated jawbone that hung distended from its upper teeth revealing a swollen black tongue. 

Its throat contracted and a choked gurgle bubbled from its maw as red tinted saliva trickled around the bulbous organ and dribbled down into the dangling teeth still attached to the lower gums. 

It sluggishly crawled towards me, the joints in its fingers popping and crackling as it struggled over the muddy ground through the light rain. Despite the creature’s sullied form, it moved with focused intent and I was left frozen in its path. 

I watched paralyzed as it approached, hoping that it was like the hound that visited me during meditations. It stopped just inches from my face, and it curled its deformed back limbs underneath it with a pained, muffled groan. Now close, I could hear it’s labored, wheezing breath from behind the swollen tongue. A sweet, rotten smell invaded my senses and I was overwhelmed with nausea until I could no longer differentiate the creature clearly from my reality.

It reached over with its elongated right arm, bending the joint over its head to cradle the opposite cheek. The jagged, dirt covered fingernails then began to scratch lightly into the tissue like skin just above the hole where it’s left ear should have been. It scratched and it scratched, tearing a straight line into the flesh which shredded away like boiled, rotten meat from bone. Soon the scratching became a digging motion, driving the fingers deeper into the meat and peeling back to expose a pearly white strip of skull. It tugged and tore the flesh away, flicking it into the grass only to continue its self-mutilation. 

Finally, its fingernails struck against the bone. The hand seized, clutching around the right side of its head. It strained in effort, the fingers struggling and popping in protest as the creature grinded into the side of its head. After a painful amount of time, a wet crunch signaled that it finally broke through and the skull splintered under its nails. 

It gurgled and coughed around the tongue. Lulling its head around a few times as if in recovery. 

It sawed through the side of its head, the skin hanging from its hand being shredding in the process leaving torn bits of flesh in the sharpened points of the fractured skull. It curled its fist around the hole, sinking deeper into its brain and, finally, with a gargled scream it jerked its dislocated arm and ripped the top of its skull off, splitting its eye sockets in half and tearing the remaining skin holding it in place. 

It proudly held the bowl-like piece of bone in its hands, still seeping fluids from the torn veins that webbed through the skin. Something filled the skull and both the creature, and I leaned in to see what was inside.

A murky, viscous fluid pooled in the bottom of the fractured skull. Black with an unnatural sheen that reflected my own bluish gray visage. Floating within the liquid small bits of what I assumed to be brain matter bobbed around like dollops of meaty Jell-O. 

The creature lifted the piece of itself up and poured some of the contents into its mouth. The decomposing rot flooded around its tongue and it swallowed hungrily, its throat contracting and pulsing with effort. It shook its head and the fluid that did not make it past the engorged organ spattered against my skin along with a few teeth from the broken bottom jaw that continued to swing haphazardly.

It coughed. 

After a few moments it gestured towards me with its distended arms, holding the top of its skull with the remaining organic substance still settled in the bottom. It tapped its neck forward and bowed politely. 

I choked on bile that hit the back of my throat, still struggling to make it past the overwhelming stench of rot. 

The creature grunted and nudged the bone vessel against my hands. 

I fell into compulsion and I opened my palms to allow the creature to cradle its broken piece into my fingers. I gazed deeply into the chunky fluid remaining and saw my face staring back at me, a warped reflection deeply flawed by the floating bits of brain intersecting the image. 

I took a deep, unobscured breath and tilted it towards my mouth. I gulped down the remaining matter even as my stomach and body rejected it. Immediately, I was reconnected with something primal. Something long forgotten and buried deep in my bones. The taste was earthy, sour, metallic and a vision of dirt saturated by blood and maggots brought me back down to my body.

My stomach lurched and contracted but was unable to expel the foul liquid. 

          The creature observed my reaction with empty, halved sockets and its head tilted to the side stretching the broken jaw until the still hinged right side seemed to curve up into a gaping, satisfied grin. 

          I looked away from it, noticing for the first time that the rain had stopped and the storm clouds which had invigorated my imagination earlier in the morning were now a distance wall of navy blue on the horizon. I was left in its wake, changed, full, and forever tainted by the staining black sludge of inevitable interconnection no matter how hard one tries to avoid it. 

           I decided maybe I should see more people.

           Maybe I should be alone less.

The next meal that I share I would like to be less devastating on a primordial level which is why I have decided to open applications up for a potential roommate. If this experience spoke to you on some level, please see below.

***

Roommate wanted to share a two-bedroom apartment 20 minutes away from downtown. I have 3 cats and would be willing to split rent, utilities, groceries 50/50 as well as a communal TV in the living room. Another cat or small dog (Landlord stipulation) welcome!

There is NOTHING in the closet. There is NOTHING hiding in the unlit corner of the second bedroom where the light does not reach, and the spiders will not go near.

I keep a clean home and would be willing to cook meals as needed (Vegetarian / vegan options available although I do eat sustainably sourced meat products). (Due to recent circumstances I have decided that I am not comfortable with soups in which I cannot see through to the bottom of the bowl.)

If you like DnD, bad B movies, doing puzzles, or watching the local wildlife we might get along!

Please Email any applications / inquiries to spookyboi42@hotmail.com

(Please be aware I work full time so I may not reach out to you until after business hours)

Serious applicants only!

LGBTQ+ applicants will be interviewed first!

I look forward to hearing from you and the many potential experiences we may or may not have together!

Happy Pride, my friends ;)