The best English assignment of my life.

      I sit and I stare at the assignment. My English teacher thought it would be a great idea to make our winter break assignment all about new years resolutions. And I had tried to write it before Christmas. But that wasn’t a thing. It has to been a list of five things with explanations about why we want to accomplish each one. 

         I was usually a by the book, stick to what you know and things you plan kind of person. I stayed to myself, stayed out of trouble, got good grades, I was never one to rock the boat. Looking back on my last year it was kind of a hot mess. And not in the cute or ironic way either. More like in the “everything I thought I knew is suddenly in question” way. I was stumped. What even did I want to do? 

I didn’t get into the college program I wanted to go to. And I would have reapply to the same college if I wanted to try to go the first year as undecided and attempt to get into the program the next year. Even though I had the grades, I was lacking in extracurriculars and there were other applicants who were more qualified than me. I didn’t even know if that program was even something I wanted to do anymore. I wanted to do it because its what my dad had always encouraged me to do. He wanted me to go into a STEM field, he thought it meant I would get a good job and be set for life.   

Me and my boyfriend had broken up. We had been together for over a year before we broke up. Tragically enough we had almost every single class together. And so we did the awkward avoiding each other even though we had been a public couple for most of our high school experience thing. So we each brought our “box of stuff” to homeroom and exchanged it. And of course the box didn’t fit in my locker, so I had to carry the box to every one of my classes that day, a public display of my shame. 

My former best friend hated my guts, and her new best friend wanted to make my life a living hell. We used to spend literally every day together. She practically lived with me, she slept at her own house maybe one day a week. Her parents were strung out druggies who didn’t care what she did or where she was. Her and her friends were anti social stoners, so I guess you could say that I was too. I had to become one to fit in with the people I had made my life revolve around. I have no idea what to do with myself. 

I feel like this is not how your senior year is suppose to go. We were suppose to all go to prom together. Get ready for graduation together. Celebrate all of the small moments and “lasts” of our senior year. Together. At the beginning of this year I thought I had everything figured out. I had a solid color coded five year plan. I am not even kidding about that. I had it in a binder with tabs and sheet protectors. Car, college, good job, wedding, home ownership, and kids. I created this path for myself. And I thought the people I had by my side at the beginning of this year would be the ones who would do it with me. But now I’m not even sure about who I am. And my five year plan is as good as fucked. 

Making this stupid list has lead to some serious soul searching if I actually wanted it to mean something. I could google “new years resolutions” and just pick some that sound good. Or I could just scroll down my Facebook feed and copy someone who looks like they have a lot of fun. But that just feels like cheating. And its all fake anyway. I would rather be genuine or why bother doing it to begin with?

         Resolution One: Figure out college. I have a scholarship. So as long as it’s a college in Indiana I wouldn’t have to pay for it. And my grades are decent. Just not good enough to get into the program I wanted. There isn’t a school in Indiana that teaches the major I would actually love to go for. Genetic zoology. Its states away. And if I live in a dorm that means living with some stranger who I might want to murder. I need to figure this out fast. Because I know if I take a gap year I will never go back. So resolution one, figure out what to do about college. 

         Resolution Two: Meet new people. I had lost my boyfriend and my best friend in one fell swoop. And the saddest part of that is I don’t even really think I liked them, as people I mean. We didn’t like the same things or have any similar hobbies. Neither one of them could even come close to saying they “got” me. Half the time we didn’t even get along. We were only friends and only together because of location and circumstance. Because they approached me when I was lonely, at the time it was easier to hang out with them then to be alone with me. It was time for me to let that go, let them go, and get past it. So resolution two, meet new people. Who I like, and who like to do the some of the same things that I do. 

         Resolution Three: Create more art. I love art. I love making art. I write, and I draw, and I do ceramics. But I never spend the time I would need to for it to actually improve. And its something I actually want to do. But no one else did. Everyone in my friend group was too busy getting high, and “relaxing” to do anything even close to being productive. That’s why I never took the time to. Because I needed to belong to them so badly that I wasn’t going to break rank for even a minute. So resolution three, create more art.

         Resolution Four: Be real about my feelings from now on. I never addressed how I felt with people in the past. My friends, my boyfriend, even my family. I knew when things weren’t alright. I could feel all the changes and I tried to hide it from even myself. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I let my dad move out of state with his wife without telling him I so badly for him to stay. He didn’t even take the time to say goodbye in person. My mom and I have had a questionable at best relationship for my entire life, and neither one of us have addressed it even though I lived with her for almost two years. So resolution four, actually address my feelings. 

         Resolution Five: Focus on me. I think that may be the point of this assignment after all. The reason behind why people write new years resolutions year after year. Because we get so wrapped up in everything and everyone else that we never really stop and look at our selves. We don’t ask ourselves what we actually want. So people set aside a special time of year when its okay to look at their selves for once. Most people focus on things like losing weight, or quitting smoking, or taking a cooking class, or going to the gym more often.

 But I think its so much more than that. If you really want to be happy you cant just ask yourself these questions once a year. And if you aren’t happy and you want to be, you are going to have to make changes. And change isn’t always the most comfortable. But its what we have to do if we ever want life to look like we want it to. So resolution five, focus on me. 

None of the things on this list are easy. But easy hasn’t ever really been my style. And for a long time I stopped caring about “my style” and I lost myself to what everyone wanted. And so, for the new year I want to find myself and be me. Because no one else is going to care about it if I don’t. So in writing my resolutions I ended up with a question, Who is me? Sometimes I think English teachers are secretly wise old wizards who know everything. So thank you wizard for the sage advice, I think I get it now.