Not Enough

I‘d like to do that more often. Speak to people about depressing topics because it seems I‘m drawn to those. All thanks to that core belief: I‘m not enough. Don‘t do enough or do this too much, always this hyper judge. Your paper is on an angle. Don‘t do that. It has to be orthogonal. And then more and more they push you to that one template. Everyone has to be the same even though nature has high regards of diversity. Depressing topic. Here we go. Maybe there is something you should write about. As you are looking for a topic. It has always been on your mind.

That educational system. That gruesome institution that kills away creativity. And then expects you to be unique. But there are people far more competent to write about such a topic. You search online if anyone has ever written anything on the school system and criticized it. Few hours later you know a bit more, feel there‘s enough been written about it and it would take so much effort to find that niche where nobody is. Write what you want and see where it goes.

What is powerful? The stuff that resonates with a lot of people. Hit a universal truth that lasts for centuries. It still is possible. Do I need a plan on what I‘m writing? Have you thought about it? How you would do it? No, because I bet there‘s someone who wrote and thought about it before and that fact alone makes the person more competent. Take the opposing side and decide to not search online but to think with your own head to begin with. But instead of doing that you‘re looking for something or someone to tell you what to do. How to write a book. How to write a novel. How to write poetry.

The poetry was destroyed in school by dissecting it word for word to see what the author had meant by putting those words in his order. Instead of exploration there is a predefined interpretation everyone has to see to fully understand what the author has written. But is there really just one solution? How do we expect to solve world problems if there really is only one solution taught in school? But there are far more competent people that think about those topics and do so publicly and they have degrees. Isn‘t university just another form of school? According to one plan you have to learn this and that. Have someone to tell you what to do and only pass if you meet the requirements.

Is that true though? Well it felt like this when I was in school and college. I didn‘t finish. I didn‘t have fun doing it anymore. Everything‘s for credits. Everything is evaluated instantly. Every line you draw, every word you write. Instantly yes or no. Instantly A or F. Black or white. Nothing in between. There is no discussion. There‘s judgment. Stop. There are far more competent people who think about this. People with scientific backgrounds who have a degree and lots of experience. Why do you think so poorly of yourself? Actually I don‘t. I bet there actually are a lot of people who can do things better than me.

Is that realistic or undermining any confidence I might have had? Or both? But is that an ultimate excuse to not do anything? Someone else will do it, someone else will think of this, someone else who is far more competent than me. So did I lose all my courage? And isn‘t it that people who write books or accumulate knowledge somehow started out like me and based his/her/whatever knowledge on the words that someone else had written before? Who was probably far more competent than them? You see that theory doesn‘t work but what do I do with it?

How about you don‘t plan what you write about and just let the words flow, see where it goes. But doesn‘t everybody say you need to do this and that to be successful and have a plan, an outline of your story? But does that work for you? How would you do it? How would you find a topic to write about? Don‘t give in to that temptation. Your smartphone is in reach for that quick online search for the person who is far more competent than you.

Think with your pen, enjoy the bench you‘re sitting on while the park enjoys the evening sun. You‘re safe. Paper won‘t say anything. It sits quietly in front of you listening to your thoughts without judgment. Paper doesn‘t judge anything you put on it. It‘s always you. By giving those words meaning. You see by not speaking your mind by not creating publicly you‘re making yourself part of this system that you deemed shallow. There‘s nothing real if you don‘t show and make yourself vulnerable. You need to be brave for the good stuff.

Oh not enough of that. Not enough. The next judgment comes along. So how about you try to answer the question about depression. But I‘ve been trying to determine for years whether I‘m depressed or not because I have good days. Usually when I created something or stood by a decision for more than two weeks. And then I lose interest. Completely. I stay in bed day after day hiding away in those four walls of a motel. Sounds like you need therapy. Maybe I do but then again I‘d have to convince someone else that I need it.

But how can I determine for real that I‘ve got depression because if I myself am not convinced and don‘t believe this, how could I expect someone else to believe me? And I don‘t want to steal away the spot that someone else needs who is far more competent at being depressed. What if I started to believe that I am depressed? Would that make it true? What about all the affirmations then? Wouldn‘t that be counterproductive to healing? Say one day: I‘ve got a mood disorder, talk about it to everyone, do this for weeks, even years and then try to use affirmations to get rid off it? Isn‘t ‚I am depressed‘ another affirmation? No. Affirmations are supposed to be positive. Whatever that means. But look at the concept of it. You repeat it constantly. I am depressed. I‘ve got a mood disorder or however you express it. You start to believe there‘s something wrong with you and you need pills and therapy. Bold thesis coming on: if you are not feeling depressed in this world you are not feeling at all.

We are surrounded by neglect. School teaches you there is only one way, neglecting the other path that you would‘ve walked, confusing you what‘s right and wrong. And those smartphones and virtual realities, virtual lives that are being lived don‘t really support deep human connections without technology. How do you expect to be okay when you don‘t agree with the rules and ideas of what is expected of how to live in oh so modern society?

In the real world I‘d like to meet someone but I don‘t go out because I‘m afraid of it. Contradictions. Lots of them. Is that stemming from that one day in elementary school? Where you sat down in the corner realizing that the world is not cool at the age of ten. Then believed it so much that any attempt to persuade you of the opposite has no chance in the first place? You are still sitting there. You are still sitting by the basement window at the corner of the building. Watching from the sidelines, judging the world without letting anything in. Because you believe. It doesn‘t matter how you‘ve come to the conclusion back then. It is about finding out if that thesis was true? So is it true?

What now? That I‘m still that little girl? That girl that decided that the world wasn‘t cool so to protect myself from it I‘m not taking part. Neglecting my needs for human connection. Ask questions like this. Write about it. Yes, be sure there are far more competent people but that doesn‘t excuse you to not write about things that matter to you. Yes, maybe you are an introvert with a bit of social anxiety and thyroid problems and depression but that is not allowed to stop you from trying to make the world a better place. It is about the greater good.

What questions do you need answers for? There it is: empty head. This happens quite often. It‘s like my hands are up as if someone threatens me with a gun and then I say ‚I don‘t know anything‘. Because I don‘t. For years, for decades it was believed that genetics determine everything, whereas recent studies show that that is not the whole story. So how is it that I could be sure of anything? You can‘t. And that‘s the beauty of it because it gives you all the topics in the world to write about. But how do I choose? Do what you feel.

Actually I feel like I need to have a beer. But really it is just the idea of what I associate with beer. The substance itself makes you feel crappy in the long-run. I associate it with being in good company, an enjoyable moment to have that first sip, that beer after a hard day of work, like heavy lifting. It is that feeling of accomplishment, I deserve this. My candy at the end of the day. Though only the first sip feels amazing. I can‘t stop. It is only the first sip that is great. But you want it again, that moment. Have the next bottle, but that is not working.

You need more and more and much more after that and you start to project your feelings on others, perceive them as hostile but it really is you who is hostile towards yourself. While the others have their own problems to think about. This constant battle is exhausting because I bet even in dealing with addiction there are people who are far more competent than I am. It is discouraging. Sabotaging.

Maybe it is depression. But wouldn‘t I use this term wrongfully and insult others who are better at it? Am I not just a scam pretending to feel bad even though there are people in much worse situations than me? Not good enough. Not depressed enough. Not feeling bad enough. I neglect all my experience and knowledge. As if there is absolutely no value to it because somewhere someone else is better at living than me. Your thoughts have value but then there is this theory that one shouldn‘t read too much into them, or take them too seriously. I still don‘t understand. But. No, there is no but. I don‘t understand. Period.

Maybe I should go home, had enough sun.