A Fire In The Storm

Tayet shoved her black winter jacket into her cramped closet and slammed the weak door behind her. Breathing heavily, in outright distress, she panted heavily in a metronomic rhythm. After many silent minutes of eerie tension, she loosened her sense of tightness and began to close her eyes, finally sighing as she lowered her chin and lowered her palms away from their attachment to the closet door. It was another winter day here in Chicago, with heavy bouts of snow unfurling in anger outside. The cloudy atmosphere added an additional dampness to the interior environment as minimal amounts of light made their way past the glass windows into her wood-floored apartment. She had been working in the city as a waitress at the local pancake house, and regularly felt the financial chains of restrictions brought upon by a $10/hour paycheck. Yes, tips gave her an additional surge of income but the highly variable nature of the pay made her feel vulnerable, unstable, unsteady. She was unable to purchase items to fulfill her heart’s content. Like an annoying monkey on her back, or an itch that she just could not reach or scratch, she felt the eternal horror of being unable to buy the more expensive but better tasting ice-cream, or the fine salmon and shrimp that she knew was healthier than the cheaper but unhealthier chocolate bars and muffins in the bakery. On this last day of the year, in the dead of winter, in a seeming normal one-bedroom apartment, in a callous and unforgiving world, Tayet finally decided that it was time to make New Year’s Resolutions that would transform her destiny.            

           “My whole life is a joke” …she wrote down in her recently purchased journal. “I must change, and I will change. There are no two ways about it.” For years, she had played the role of nonchalant daughter, drifting through life without seriously considering her future ambitions. Her parents, Haurun and Pakhet were distant and unattached parents. They sent her to school, they fed and clothed her, but there was never a sense of unconditional love between parents and daughter. Reflecting back on her entire life, Tayet felt a sense of lost time and vanished love. She felt incomplete—always subconsciously thinking of the past as it could have been but never was. She felt robbed of joy, laughter, and happiness. There seemed for her no way to amend for lost time. The priceless moments of fun and merriment were instead dull and drab episodes of studying and isolation. At the time, she lived day to day in survival mode. The universe for her seemed to be in stasis. She was an outside observer to the regular metronomic qualities of life. Cars would whiz by on the streets below her apartment…she would go to school…listen to lectures…take notes and quizzes…she would return home…eat…study…sleep. The cycle repeated itself for ungodly eternity. She honestly felt institutionalized in this repressed system of mediocrity. She felt trapped, a prisoner to her conditions. She did not even dream of breaking free, for she felt that this was life. No one ever told her to dream, to be an original, to be unique and to let her own voice shine in a crowd of robotic sameness. Now, finally, after a year of independence from the rigid, predictable, and monotonous system of life that pinned Tayet down to a repressed and oppressed routing of mundane life, she finally wielded an ink pen and made contact with paper, in hopes of releasing herself from her Chateau d’If.

           “I want my freedom, I want my freedom, I want my freedom.” Feverishly writing verses in a chant-like vigor, Tayet resolved to unshackle the chains of her prison word by word. “I hereby resolve, from this day forward to never, ever take my life for granted. I will stand on my own two feet. I will earn my freedom.” She proceeded to close her eyes and dream. For the first time in her life, she gave herself the initiative to dream. The pain of waiting food and drinks for 8 hours a day and only getting paid $80-$90 a day made her miserable. She looked outside and observed a white seagull, braving the harsh winter snow and flying in the distance. She wondered where it was flying to, and how it had the fortitude to continue flying against the friction of an uncompromising Chicago winter. Something in her body suddenly felt alive as she started to think about this bird and other animals. “They live in the moment. They do not worry about the past or the future, or so it seems to me. They are happy as they are. They are driven by a desire to survive and go about unconcerned.” Channeling this additional surge of energy, Tayet began to furiously scribble in her journal, “101 Goals I Want to Accomplish In My Life”. “1. I want to climb Mt. Everest. 2. I want to earn $1,000,000 in 3 years. 3. I want to be an actress. 4. I want to move to Los Angeles. 5. I just want to be free…”

           With each word she wrote, Tayet breathed easier. Her spirits soared. She smiled. She suddenly started to believe that all her past was merely a training for her beautiful future. All the good, the bad, and mostly ugly were all part of her education. Like the seagull outside, she too could brave the winter storm of her life. She could build herself up from her current situation towards something new, something different, a brighter future. She realized all she had to do was to start. Turning her journal page, she scribed a title, “My Declaration of Independence”. In the dead of winter, she had finally found her path to salvation. In her seemingly overwhelming despair, she had found a well source of strength. In her mind, she was journeying to warmer climes. All who wander are not lost…she had found a path towards a verdant paradise full of warm weather and sunshine. The weather outside was all death, darkness, and coldness. But deep inside her, Tayet had found her paradise, her own El Dorado, her own Atlantis. Now, there was no stopping her. The fire inside her was slowly transforming into an eternal flame that would shine bright forever.