Always look on the bright side of life

28 December, 1991

Burscott Farm, Cornwall

Dear Aunty Pat (Or should I say ‘Fat Pat’ as Dad refers to you, but I didn’t say that.)

Mum said I had three choices: 

Pick up the phone and say thank you for my Christmas present;

Go and see you and say thank you for my Christmas present;

Write a note to say thank you for my Christmas present.

I clearly chose the latter as I’m not picking up the phone as it’ll be just so awkward. I’m not being funny, but I don’t know anything about you, and you don’t know anything about me which is clear from the choice of colours on the jumper you sent me. I’m not actually convinced it is something to wear as its huge. I’m going camping with my friend next summer so we could always use it to sleep under. Did I mention I’m not that large?

I’m sure as you read this, you’ll be watching TV and talking to your smelly cat.

Harsh I know but my hormones are all over the place and I’m what mum and dad refer to as ‘their biggest nightmare’. They’re so dramatic. 

Anyway, I’ll bin this note and start again,

Milly

Dear Uncle Kieron,

This is probably the only genuine thank you card I will write this year. Thank you so much for coming along on Christmas Day and entertaining us. I always look forward to seeing you even if mum and dad look a bit anxious. I’m always surprised that you don’t have some glamorous lady on your arm but mum says you’re just like Aunty Pat and forever single. I’m sure that can’t be true. You’re much cooler than Aunty Pat. Even her cat Tinks is cooler than her. I have to say I think your performance on Christmas Day was the best I’ve ever seen. I’ve only seen the Irish River Dance performed at the royal variety performance on TV and not in real life. I did wonder if you’d started celebrating early when you said you’d been down to the club with the boys. I hope you’ll take me down to the club when I’m older…hopefully when I’m sixteen as I’m sure all the boys you know are as handsome and funny as you. I suspect that all that red wine Granny gave you really gave you the confidence you needed and stopped you from hurting yourself when you tripped over Teddy’s tail and fell on your bottom. I do hope you’re not too sore and hope to see you again soon. Perhaps you can take me down the club before I’m sixteen? What about next week? I do think it was the most I have laughed all year so thank you. I know mum and dad are looking forward to your next visit. Not!:-)

Lots of love, Milly (thirteen and a half but almost sixteen:-))

Dear Thomas, 

Thank you so much for my handmade Christmas card. I was a big fan of Thomas the tank engine when I was three but I’ll forgive you as you’re only five. I also loved the Lego table you made me. You are a very annoying little brother at times especially when you run into my room and think it’s funny to run out with my Marks and Spencers knickers on your head, but I did enjoy watching the look on your face when you opened your gift from Father Christmas. So pleased Father Christmas listened to your request and brought you your bright green bike.

Your loving and responsible sister,

Mills

Dear Aunty Sylvia, 

Thank you for my unicorn stationary set. Did you not get the memo that I’m thirteen and not five?

I don’t have anything else to add to this letter,

Milly (aged thirteen and a half)

Dear Keanu Reeves,

Thank God for you. You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen and when Christmas day was just too much, I retreated to my room and lay on my bed looking at my picture of you I’ve blu-tacked to the ceiling. I have seen all your films and can’t wait for another Bill and Ted film. I dream that as soon as I’m 18, I will fly to LA and we’ll go on a date at the Viper Lounge and you’ll introduce me to all your friends and we’ll be the cool couple. Of course, if you marry someone like Winona Ryder, I wouldn’t mind as she’s very beautiful.

Love your adoring fan, Milly (looks like an 18 year old)

Dear Bestie Jo,

Thank you sooooooooooooooo much for my amazing presents. I love my Keanu poster and my copy of smash hits is amazing. I cant wait to learn the words to the latest kylie song and work on a dance routine to when we next see each other. Hope you’re having a lovely Christmas. Miss you millions.

Your BFF,

Mills

Hello Jo,

I’ve not heard from you so wanted to check you were ok. Have you had chance to listen to the Now 91 album I sent you? I love it. So many good songs including your mums favourite girl group…salt n pepa. Love them. I hope you’re ok? Was it just the three of you on Christmas day or did your mum take in any strays this year?

Love you BFF,

Mills

Dear Mills,

I'm so sorry its taken me so long to write to you. It’s been tough here. I think mum and dad are going to split up. They keep fighting in their room ans they think I can’t hear but dad keeps calling mum ‘pathetic’ and then she looks all red and blotchy when I see her. I really hope they don’t divorce. There is only the three of us and I want us to be together forever. I love my present. Thank you for my album. I keep playing it on my new pink cassette player. I keep playing the monty python song ‘always look on the bright side of life’ but then find myself crying. Anyway, write to me again with th latest news of your crazy uncle. Perhaps he can take us down the club in the summer? We definitely look 16 when we wear those little black dresses. It sounds like you had a wonderful Christmas. Youre so lucky to have a large family who think about you and even if they’re not what you deem ‘cool’ genuinely love you.

Lots of love, your bestie JO.

Dear Mum and Dad,

Thank you so much for being my mum and dad and thank you for all my pressies including all the presents in my stocking.

I’m so thankful to have you, lots of love, Mills.xx