A Place For Me?

March 15, 1963

Dear Depths of My Heart,

Red enveloped me today as I set foot in a land I have never known before. Though its contents are a mystery, I feel an excitement and eagerness to explore what gives this place life and interest! Perhaps, after all these years of searching, it will be the place I can call home.

The ground beneath my feet is red. A fine-grained texture runs through it. Many thin streams rush by and the liquid that they hold is thick and red as well. Some streams run up a slope while others run down.

As I take in my surroundings, I know there is much to learn here, but I cannot dig deeper alone. This journey requires that I have a companion, and the only person who has explored this land is Bridgett Gwynet.

Today, I followed Bridgett for just half a mile before we sat down and rested. I was hoping to go further but she claims this place is best explored one small piece at a time.

She told me about her family and friends, and I felt quite shy as I tried to politely keep eye contact during our conversation. She has striking blue eyes that are outlined by thick black lashes and whenever her irises catch the sunlight my cheeks flush with color.

I enjoyed the stories she told me about her family. I can tell that she misses them. She’s been far away from them for so long, but she has been on a journey to discover new things, and I am honored that she has opened an invitation for me to explore the things she has discovered.

March 19, 1963

Dear Depths of My Heart,

This morning, as we were walking along, we came across what appeared to be a smooth red canal. The thick, red liquid that runs through most of this land was rushing through it. As I took notes in my mind of the things I believed made this place so special, I listened to Bridgett share more of her experiences. In an instant, I found a moment to drop a humorous comment in our conversation. Bridgett laughed and looked at me. Her bright blue eyes sparkled. All at once, the liquid that was running through the canal immensely quickened in pace and the ground below my feet started to pulse fiercely. I nearly lost my balance! It was then that I realized there had always been subtle pulses in the ground, I just had not yet noticed them.

March 21, 1963

Dear Depths of My Heart,

Each day as I’ve studied these new surroundings I have found myself falling in love – with Bridgett Gwynet that is. She has such a calm aura about her, and she is so sure of her decisions! She is always determined to learn more and excel in what she is learning. I’ve adored her company and hope that our traveling will continue for a longer time. There is a lot more territory to cover!

April 16, 1963

Dear Depths of My Heart,

I can no longer hold my tongue. I must tell Bridgett how I feel! Our time together has been short, but she has been so open and willing to guide me along as she explains the intricate details of the atmosphere that surrounds us. She is so skilled in the knowledge of this land. I can tell she has studied it thoroughly and has given her studies much thought.

I want to build a home here, and I hope that Bridgett will have an interest in pursuing the dream I’ve contrived. 

I will tell her all tomorrow. Truthfully, I am frightened to know her answer. I want her to feel the same feelings I have, but I don't know her mind completely. I do have reason to believe that she has at least some interest in me.

After all, yesterday she smiled widely at me as I trekked down a slope, stepping over small streams as I went. Once I reached her, she stretched out a hand and grabbed my own, giving it a quick squeeze before letting go.

“You made it, Steven! I thought you were going to stumble head first for a second,” she said with a chuckle.

I smiled, but said nothing, still dumbfounded by the imprinted sensation her touch had left on my hand.

April 17, 1963

Dear Depths of My Heart,

I am numb. Bridgett does not feel the same way I do. I asked her why, but she stumbled in her words and would not give me a clear answer. She told me she thought I was wonderful, though, but I suppose that isn’t enough.

A strange awkwardness arose rapidly between us and Bridgett politely concluded that she would not be my guide any longer. She kindly advised me to go no further into this unknown land because I had never explored it on my own before, and without her, it would be nearly impossible to discover the secrets that lay within.

I walked away feeling sheepish and stupid. I wish I would’ve never said anything about my affections. But most of all, I wish Bridgett would give me a clearer understanding of her response to them.

My curiosity has stirred in me for hours, and I have concluded that I will spend one more day exploring this land before I quit. Though I will not be able to know what direction to go, and I won’t be able to find the hidden places, I will perhaps at least settle my mind by feeling like I have fully finished my exploration.

April 18, 1963

Dear Depths of My Heart,

I have had a grim conclusion to my expedition.

While walking along a section of land, I came across a large formation made up of a soft but firm substance. Three, what appeared to be tunnels, set atop it. I found an opening near the bottom of the odd configuration. My inquisitive nature took over, and I entered.

The walls that surrounded me were pulsing in time with the ground. Streaming up them was the peculiar red fluid that I had become so familiar with. I looked at it in awe, wondering how the rushing liquid could defy gravity and run upwards.

The sudden sound of someone clearing their throat made me jump. I turned around and saw a man. He was tall, had dark hair, brown eyes, and a chiseled jaw.

“Who are you?” I questioned in a surprised tone.

“Joey Allbrook. Who are you?”

Who am I? The realization sunk into me, making me stumble back. I fell against the rushing liquid. Its current was fierce, and in a moment, I was lifted up from the ground and pulled towards the opening of the tube above me.

I looked below and watched Joey Allbrook grow smaller and smaller.

Who am I? Well, I can tell you who I’m not. I’m not the keeper of Bridgett Gwynet’s heart.

I looked up as I was pushed through the end of the tube. The red liquid engulfed me. My mind whirled. I had to get out or I would drown in the overwhelming torturous turmoil. I collected my thoughts and realized the only way to survive was to accept the truth and make peace with it.

“I am not the keeper of Bridgett’s heart. I am not the keeper of Bridgett’s heart.” I repeated this to myself over and over until I believed it and realized I had to live with that factuality.

In the moment of what felt like my last breath, I closed my eyes and when I opened them the liquid was gone. I gasped in the air and frantically looked at my surroundings.

I was sitting on the bench at the park where I had last seen Bridgett walking with a man named Joey Allbrook. 

I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my chest. It was true, even after all my exploration and deep desire to learn all I could about that beautiful blue eyed woman, I could not succeed in making her heart my home. In fact, it was impossible to succeed. Joey already resided in the place I had hoped for.

And so, dear depths of my heart, I am back to searching for a place to rest you.